So I cried

Recently, I had a pretty profound experience of public vulnerability.

Right at the time, in the moment, I was absolutely mortified the ‘ugly cry face’ had come out in front of 150 of my BDO colleagues. The colleagues I’d been working so hard with over the last year or so to earn their respect. To convince them I’m worth listening to. To convince them that yep, this early-30s-girl-not-a-partner-from-Adelaide really knows what she’s on about.

And then I go and bawl my eyes out in front of everyone.

For context, we had just had the privilege of Peter Baines OAM closing the BDO National Business Services Conference #TheAttractiveAdviserBDO. At the end of a long 2.5 days talking all things growth, revenue, services and GP (and to be fair, lots of business critical, but #firstworldproblems we struggle to make decisions about, like any accounting firm), Peter dropped some epic truth bombs. He talked to us about how critical leadership was in the immediate aftermath of the 2004 Boxing Day Tsunami. He challenged our view of success and impact, subtly questioned our big-firm-long-committee-based-decision-making-process. He reminded us that leadership is critical always, that you don’t just get to tap out of leadership, and that perhaps the things we’re leading are really not that hard. He brought us right back to the raw reality of life, back to #humanity. Back to what actually matters. And I’m so grateful to have met this fabulous human.   

I sat with my colleague and friend and sobbed for most of the 45 minutes, overwhelmed by the gravity of the role Peter’s leadership has played in people’s lives, by the tragedy of some of the decisions he’s witnessed, and by the sheer beauty of humanity.

It was my job to MC this particular afternoon, and of course this meant getting up on stage following Peter, attempting to say something intelligent, and then thank him profusely for his contribution to our conference, and indeed, our world. 

Not even 2 words in – I lost it. One thought of my 2 beautiful humans who I had not seen for almost a week and I was history. Crying, struggling to breathe, my face literally melting.

Upon reflection, I thought about a couple of things. 

The Ice Queen

You're a fraud, just like Mike Ross....

Firstly, I thought about how far my own personal strength has come. My younger self would have dug a hole and lay in it for at least a week after an event so embarrassing, absolutely mortified that there was some image other than a perfect prim and proper one portrayed to the world, that the illusion bubble was somehow burst, that I was out, I was a fraud, I was exposed.

I’ve always had the nastiest lizard voice, you know the one that says, "they’ll find out, they’ll know you’re a fraud, just like Mike Ross…" never any confidence in my own ability.

I remember a series of conversations in quite a poignant time in my life/career. I clearly recall having coffee with a random LinkedIn stalker (pffft, called himself an Accounting Futurist ;) ) who fundamentally changed my view of myself in the world. This stranger told me “You’re the only one who thinks you can’t do this Shaye.” At the time – I thought he was a whack job. He didn’t know me, how could he? We just met! But as these couple of years have gone on, I’m reminded of this conversation regularly, and am thinking he might be around the mark.

The second thing the mascara running down my face made me think about was just how far our profession, our industry, has come in its human-ness. 

I grew up in a highly successful mid-tier and EVERYTHING was about perception. I recall my amazing manager, and mentor for many years - “You must manage the perception, Shaye”. WTF? Why couldn’t I just be awesome at what I do? And why couldn’t I be recognised for it?

“If you wanna be the boss, you gotta dress like the boss.”

“You need to have your game face on”

“Always keep business and personal separate, and personal very private”

“Don’t let anyone at work behind the veil”

“Hair up, makeup on, heels on”

“Must wear a suit jacket when entering and leaving the building” (felt a bit like private school)

Etc

What a robot

This ‘managing of perception’ is precisely why I hid my first pregnancy for 26 weeks, silently tolerating the looks and whispers about how much my ‘shape had changed’ (let’s face it, I wasn’t fooling anyone, I was an elephant). 

Its why I worked til 7 every night, even though I started a 7am, because no one saw the early starters, only those that worked back. 

Its why I wore pants 99% of the time. 

Its why I never wore my long hair down. 

Its why I drank beer at work functions, even though I hated it.  

Its why I was considered an ‘ice queen.’ 

What. A. Robot.

And years later, I was called on it. For so long thinking this was the way things were done in the accounting industry. I was called on it. A former employer got right stuck into me, “we don’t even know who you are Shaye”, “why do you wear this mask at work”, “loosen up,” “you’re so fake”. At the time I was mortified, and definitely thinking, (with great ice-queen arrogance) “well clearly she doesn’t know how the world works”…..

Gosh I was wrong.

Our Industry Evolution

There is a real feeling of human and family

Through a couple of tough years, I’ve grown up a lot. I’ve learnt how to identify those that are worthy of my time. I’ve learnt that (holy moly!) I’m worth it – just as I am. Hair down, jeans on, sans makeup, mum, waterskiier, crier #nofilter. And I love the change we’re seeing in the accounting industry.  It’s no longer all this bravado and (#sorrynotsorry) boys-club-chest-beating-appendage-measuring…  

There is a real feeling of human and family. 

Realistically – there’s more than enough clients to go around (over 2.24 million actively trading businesses in Australia in June 2017, according to the ABS!). Are we competitive? Absolutely! But this doesn't come at at the expense of our human-ness anymore. So many of us have similar ambitions, and we are challenged, and share, and cry together. It’s beautiful. 

Can I just say – thank the universe for this evolution. And thank the universe for those championing this change – legends like Andrew van De Beek putting authenticity first and Xero with their amazing values #human and #beautiful. I would definitely of exited stage left of this industry had it not been for this evolution. 

Anyway, this is a really long way of sharing with you all that I did the ‘ugly cry face’ in front of 150 of my colleagues – and not only survived, but I’m super proud of it. I managed to squeeze out a couple of half intelligent comments for our national leadership group to reflect upon as I thanked Peter and to be honest, there was many an ugly cry face when I looked around that room. We were all in it together, we were all bawling bumbling messes, thinking of our loved ones, overwhelmingly inspired by the power of humanity. 

It’s not suit-and-heels-wearing-ice-queens that are succeeding, that are connecting on a real level with clients, that are mentoring our up-and-comers, that are really enjoying their work. It’s us – as we are. It's me - just as I am. It’s you – as you are. It’s the hipster, the baller, the super-geek, the dad, the mum, the golfer, the knitter, the yogi, the cross-fitter. The #human.

Oh and if you haven’t in a while, have a go at a good cry. It’s very liberating.