Those Damn Millennials

After you're done, care to read Part Two? I have crafted a response to the comments on this article -- click below if you'd care to read it.

"Those Damn Millennials: A Rebuttal."

Ah, Millennials: the lazy hacks of the world, the perpetual children, the spoilt apples of the workforce barrel. We have somehow come to be known for mooching off our parents, an irrational sense of entitlement, and a glowing screen always within six inches of our faces. I am proud to announce that while there are most certainly those who fit the stereotype, there are those of us who grew up understanding how to work hard, network well, and earn respect rather than demand it. After all, you were the ones who raised us.

I am a young person searching for the door into my dream career and an active job-seeker. I am also a member of a generation that has lived through the most drastic changes in hiring strategy and job hunting. There are many challenges for us in this new landscape of post-college employment opportunities, which is vastly different from 10-15 years ago when we were searching for our first jobs in high school. I offer a few insights to keep in mind when considering applicants of the Generation Y, also known as Generation Y-Should-I-Leave Home or Generation Y-Do-I-Need-A-Job.

- Online Applications Only

But you're Millennials! You're all attached to your phones, incapable of normal human conversation, and never took a penmanship class, so you might as well type, right? Don't send in a normal, black and white résumé, you'll never get noticed. But don't get crazy! No one likes a show-off -- if you're not in an art or design field, don't use a fancy layout and don't use color. But use the Purple Cow method: do something they'll never expect. No phone calls. Do not reply to this email. No follow-up necessary. No paper applications will be accepted. Unsolicited attachments will be automatically deleted from our system.

In truth, having the internet as the only avenue for job-seeking is distressing at best, cripplingly ineffective at worst. It is impossible to infuse a one-page digital file with the true essence and ambition of a person who is dying for the open position at your company. The Kings and Queens of the Almighty HR Department have successfully isolated themselves, sitting high on their MacBook thrones, and are ruthless with the pleading, job-seeking serfs below. "Let them eat cake, and apply online!" I am seen as nothing more than a pest when attempting to call a hiring manager, or send an email asking, "it's been 6 weeks, has the position been filled?" With each attempt to deviate from the system, I have been viciously shooed away and chastised for trying to circumvent the red tape that guards the man in the corner office from the dirty mobs below.

In addition to being purposefully ignored, the applications themselves are longer and more tedious than ever for the applicant. I have slaved for two years over 45-minute long questionnaires, editing tests, proficiency tests, personality sorters, and 10 page applications to apply for jobs online, all resulting in nothing. The time spent uploading a resume and then filling out 300 information fields (which request the exact information that is on that resume) does not include revising a cover letter for each individual company, and the research time it takes to do so properly. All of my information is then sent away through the internet to someone I have never had the opportunity to shake hands with or smile at.

With so much time poured into finding our career paths, combined with months of no feedback other than auto-responses, a vacuum is created which sucks away our motivation and hope. I have never completed an in-person meeting that did not result in an interview or employment offer -- I have even been offered an interview on the spot at a garage sale. But after a certain amount of time trying to mold ourselves to that which the internet desires, we are reduced to coffee-guzzling zombies who are so confused by the chronology of our own work history that we either find religion or give up.

- The Impossible Internship Challenge

Where's my experience, you ask? How silly that we expect to work in your company without an impressive amount of direct experience in your field! I can no longer keep track of the number of "entry level" positions I've seen that require 3-5 years of experience. Internships used to be an excellent way to gain new knowledge, crucial hands-on experience for your chosen trade, and networking connections that could serve a person well later down the road. The only problem is that they are now logistically infeasible, and rarely worth the sacrifice.

Interns now may be expected to relocate themselves across the country for a term of only 3-6 months, with little to no travel or lodging compensation. Many internships now are unpaid as well, in addition to having either full-time or "on call" scheduling, thus eliminating the option of holding a second job for ancillary income. An internship is also no guarantee of a full-time position in the ranks of the hosting company. I have even seen internships that require 1-2 years of prior experience.

In college, students commonly joked that the only people who could afford to pursue an internship, or much less likely, multiple internships, were those who subsisted on Daddy's money -- and by "joked" I mean tossed about in a jealous, self-loathing manner. No longer is it simply a matter of marketing yourself, fighting your way to the top, and having a shimmering, exemplary work ethic. The biggest component that determines our ability to participate in these highly demanded, elusive internships is hard cash. Moola, greenbacks, Franklins, quid. When you're a college student surviving solely off of Top Ramen and instant oatmeal packets, internship opportunities are promptly thrown out the window. Additionally, there seems to be a large gap between demand for internships and companies who offer them. This study from Millennial Branding in 2012, which surveyed over 100,000 U.S. companies, uncovered some interesting numbers:

91% of employers think that students should have between one and two internships before they graduate, yet 50% haven’t hired any interns in the past six months. Students that have the required internships haven’t received job offers from companies since 79% of employers have hired 30% or fewer interns into full-time positions."

So Millennials, we have to have internships -- the employers say they're crucial. But no one is offering internships right now, and no one is going to pay you for the internships they're not offering, nor will they hire you after you complete your unpaid internship. But really, get those internships! They'll look great on your colorless, but still exciting résumé.

- The Stigma of Y

"Well, if you'd just get off your mother's couch and start looking, you'd have a real job!"

At the risk of sounding like a whiny Millennial, this is a real problem. Lately, statements similar to this have increased in volume, whether they are muttered not-so-quietly under breath or whipped directly at me by Boomers, X-ers, and even a few Silents. I feel compelled to reassure my elders that I do not live with my mother and have a steady job which satisfies all of my financial responsibilities. But it's apparent that even though I have an office and a desk, it will always be assumed that my "place" is part-time on the bean line at Taco Bell. For those of us like myself who are staying afloat but searching for a job that we actually enjoy, we are caught between the rock of "get a real job" and the hard place of "be thankful you have a job."

We are often degraded for our attachment to technology as well, which I have seen to be a hypocritical stance by many. I have taught older co-workers how to save an email draft, what a "hard reset" is, and how to change a desktop background to a picture of a daisy. I have been asked by strangers in the grocery store, "young lady, would you mind typing this text for me? I've forgotten my readers." I am often asked for my opinion about programs or apps that someone's grandkids are using. I have given advice regarding whether or not someone would enjoy an iPad for Christmas, and then set up that iPad when it was decided that it could be an enjoyable item. We are belittled for our phone-in-hand way of life, but are expected to assist other generations when they themselves are in possession of sophisticated technology.

In a recent Forbes.com article, author Sanjeev Agrawal makes the distinction for Millennials, who, having been raised in a world of ever-developing technology, can be a workplace resource rather than a societal nuisance:

I don’t know anyone over the age of 50 who doesn’t complain about how fast the world is moving these days. However, in the case of job performance, that’s a very very good thing...Give a millennial employee a research assignment on your competitors and you’ll get the project back in 24 hours. Twenty years ago the same project might have taken a month to complete."

I would like to offer a suggestion on behalf of the wheat of my controversial generation: forget the chaff. We are being buried alive in the disappointment of our progenitors for the actions of people who do not matter; we are guilty by age association. You can see the difference, I'm sure of it -- you know the résumés that come from those who are drowning in Doritos and Mountain Dew in their mother's basement, and you know the ones coming from bright-eyed college graduates who, while maybe not perfectly up to par on cover letter formatting, are willing to work their fingers to the bone given the chance.

In the workplace and on the job hunt, we crave your mentorship, your wisdom, your advice, your lessons learned. We value our elders and many of us realize what excellent resources you can be. We long to hear, "if you'd like, I can show you a better way to do that," rather than the familiar, "these damn Millennials can't do anything right." My fellow members of Generation Y and I have been labeled as "lazy," "incompetent," and "entitled," and this stigma has bled into the workforce, tainting our chances at proving our worth as an employee. Considering this, I would ask: are there not members of your generation who could be labeled the same?