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Why does my partner (also the father of our children), keep putting demands on our autistic/PDA-er child, when I have told him about PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance)?

I’ve asked him a hundred times to back off with the demands when our child is getting stressed and/or heading towards a meltdown.

He continues to dish them out at a time when our child needs us more than ever, as the parents and the people in their life that they are wired to love no matter what we do or don’t do, to see them behind the behaviours

“You’ve just lost your device for a month”

”You’ll be paying for that damage”

“You’ll be cleaning that up before you do anything else”

How would you feel if you were a child and your entire being (body, brain, mind) was overcome with something you have no control over?

How f&cking frightening and confusing for our children.

These are extreme vulnerable moments for children.?For parents.?For family units.

Our children are experiencing moments when they are feeling out of control/petrified/ostracised/scared/overcome with fight-flight-freeze-fawn.

In these horrific situations, they have the people they look to for unconditional safety, security and love…turn on them.

It’s not just the Fathers, we Mothers do it too.

This child has lost the ability to access the part of their brain that would help them make decisions that they can make when they are not feeling unsafe, threatened, demand avoidant…

They literally can not access the parts inside them that will help them.?In that moment, in that split second, our children can not access internal help.

They need us.?They need our help (and help looks and feels different for every child and family).

How would you feel if you were getting punishments and consequences coming at your left right and centre when you felt both scared of yourself and scared of your parent?

I know how that felt as a child who was undiagnosed autistic/PDA-er with a parent that only knew punishment/consequences/fear based parenting.

I have lived the outcomes of that childhood trauma. and lived the outcomes of it spewing out into my marriage and parenting.

I have been the undiagnosed autistic/PDA-er parent dishing out punishment/consequences/fear based parenting to my undiagnosed autistic/PDA-er children.

I have lived the outcomes of that trauma along with the outcomes of it spewing out into my marriage and parenting.

I am now the diagnosed autistic/PDA-er parent of diagnosed autistic/PDA-er children who has swapped the ‘punishment/consequences/fear based parenting’ for ‘leading from my heart’ and ‘connection over control’ and ‘circling back to love as soon as I can’.

We don’t do punishment in our home.

We don’t dish out consequences.

My husband and I know that our children already punish themselves both internally and externally.

We know that they are experiencing the consequences and outcomes every day of what they have done.

That is already too much.?Too.?Much.

They are children.

They are not equipped to make sense of what they do when they are anxious, overwhelmed, angry, stressed.

They do not have full control.?At all.

I am 46 and I don’t have full control of myself so why should I expect my children too?

We’ve been shunned, criticised, judged and projected on for our way of leadership.

Yes, by a few we love.?We know now it’s not personal.?It’s their stuff coming up, not ours.?Yes, it still hurts. A lot.

In August 2022, my husband and I are bringing our community a 9 week journey for parents of autistic/PDA children.

Just imagine having the linchpins that you both need to lead your family out of arguing, disconnection, projection and blame?

When both parents on are the same page more and more, your child is going to feel so much safer both in their home and in themselves.

When you and him have a clear and simple plan of where you are going as parents and why, your home is going to be different.

What you both don’t need as parents is someone telling you what is best for you and your children.

I remind you that Scott and I are both PDA-ers and so are our children.?The last thing you are going to get is us making out we know everything and we are the expert in your family.

As the mother and father within your family, you two are the experts.?We are the guides.

We will guide you to dig out and build ‘The Culture of US’ in your relationship and family.

You will have the important anchors around language.?The language you both use needs to feel comfortable and make sense to you.?Not Scott and I.?We get to bring an infinite number of tried and tested examples/scenarios/experiences both lived and with past clients/ for you to sift through (and maybe keep up your sleeve for later..or not).

You get to get clear as a couple around the boundaries you both desire in your family unit…the non negotiables that are unique to you.?Scott and I are here to help guide so you can get clear – together.?And dads, you may be pleased to know that Scott speaks waaayyyyy less than I do and uses different language at times.?He often says that some of the things I say make him uncomfortable so I get to take that on board (I do speak woo woo a bit too much to him and he lets me know to stop).

You will be, with our help, creating the things that will make the difference in your partnership….

Communication – how do each of you prefer to communicate – how – when – how much notice do each of you need to discuss something….

Commitment – when was the last time you named your commitment to each other now that you are parents and now that everything has gone to sh*t and you are trying so hard to make it better and it’s not happening like you hoped it would? You will get to do this and no, you won’t be declaring this or that to everyone on the journey.?This stuff is yours and your privacy is a priority for Scott and I.?No one will be doing anything they do not want to do #PDA.

Safety – this is a biggie…what is safety that to you both, to your children, what does it look and feel like and how to bring more of it into yourselves and your home.?You will be able to identify when you are not feeling safe and be far more confident naming how you are feeling as you will have the communication tools that you both need to be able to do that.?This is life changing.?

So many Parents of PDA-er children are experiencing a form of hell.?Scott and I know it.?We lived in our version of hell for years.?Literally.?About 7 long years.

We have been out of hell for a few years now.?We do enter the dim and dark at times and we know with every cell in our body that hell is no longer part of our story.

We have created this so you don’t have to spend another year going in the same direction you have been.

The Fathers will be with Scott every 2nd week and the Mothers with me.?We will all come together as one on the other weeks.

This is SYNERGY PDA PARENTING.?When 2 or more entities come together to make something greater than what is possible as 1 entity.

SYNERGY is the outcome that you will get as parents.?

Applications are now open for this online parenting journey of a lifetime.?I will need to have a talk to you to see if we are a fit for you and you are a fit for us.

Funding options include payment plans, NDIS (depending on individual plans), early bird…just ask when we are on the call.

There is a price to pay to continue going in the direction you are going.

There is a price to pay to change it.

It takes time, energy, commitment and investment.

The outcomes you, your partner and your family will gain will actually literally be price-less.

You matter.?So does he.?So do your children.

The sessions will be weekly and on zoom.?The separate Fathers and Mothers sessions will not be on the same day or time so someone is available to hold the forte.

Reach me on messenger, comment below ‘contact me’ or email [email protected]

I know you have been asking for this for so long and there are so many parents in need of this specialised support.?If you don’t want what is happening in your family in 2022 to continue into 2023 then contact me.?It’s not a sales tactic when I say we have limited numbers.

We got you.

Big love

Me