Zina & Fedya D. Letter #6
Dear Fyodor,
who were you writing for?
They say you must know who your reader is. King is writing for his wife. I am still deciding who I write for, but I like watching my children read what I write.
The eldest reads intently, with his eyebrows knitted together, without moving. I can "catch" his sincere reaction when he finishes reading, puts the laptop away, and looks at me. That moment when his eyes reflect raw emotions is so precious for me.
In a second, his face will acquire its usual calm, slightly mocking expression and devoted admiration will appear in the eyes. He is reserved and taciturn. Getting him to show his feelings or provide feedback is hard.
His actions are the best feedback. "Mama, I liked your article. You're making progress; keep going. I transferred you some money; have fun."
My youngest is a total opposite, thank God. A walking fountain of emotions, stubborn, empathic, and sensitive, he values freedom above all else. I think God said, "She complained about her childhood; let's give her a child like her and see how she raises him." It's not easy, especially now that he is a teenager, but it's fun.
He sits comfortably, prepared to enjoy the experience. He reads slowly, prolonging the pleasure. Sometimes, he asks me to translate a word or explain something he didn't understand.
Then he laughs. Oh, that laughter is the most rewarding sound. He likes it when I call you by different variations of your name, Fediusha.
I haven't talked much with my kids about the hell I've been through, especially with my youngest. I didn't want him to get upset. Now that he is older, he asks questions. We discuss our misunderstandings, reactions, and the triggers from my past.
When he read the previous letter to you, he laughed a lot. But when he got to the last paragraph, his body language and facial expression changed. Surprised, he turned to me and asked: "Wait, what? Where is the rest? You haven't finished the article?"
"It's finished."
"Wait, how? Wow, what? You can't finish it like that! What happened next?"
"You will have to read my book to find out, dear."
"But what were you thinking there? What did you feel?"
"I only prayed that they don't lock the door before going to sleep. I didn't even feel cold."
"You must have been in shock. You know, mama, I've been thinking, if the consequences of your past are so destructive, how bad did you feel when it happened to you?"
He kept asking questions, not being able to comprehend.
"You know, it's good that you don't understand. It means I did a good job raising you."
I was proud of myself as a mother.
I felt the same when my oldest said that he's the only one among his friends who doesn't have any psychological issues and doesn't need therapy. I managed to raise mentally healthy kids despite my issues. It's the most significant accomplishment in my life.
领英推荐
"I understood why you ended your letter like that—mic drop. You're like NF."
Oh, wow, when your teenager compares you to his favorite rapper, know that as a parent, you rock.
"NF has this song in which he talks with his fear. It's called Intro III. Let me find it for you. The lyrics are similar to your writing, with the same vibe. He opens up about his fears through music, you - through writing."
Yes, the song is good. I wanted to insert the lyrics here, but it's too long.
I'm glad I started writing to you, Fedya, and included that paragraph in the letter. It wasn't easy, you know. It's not because I'm ashamed of my past, who I am, or what people might think. I'm afraid I will not be able to handle the monster inside me once I open that door.
It's funny how people think that I walk away from some fights because I'm too kind or weak. I wish. It's because I know I won't stop. I'm like those movie characters who live far away in the woods, alone, hunting and fixing rare cars. And then someone comes and asks for help. I know that feeling very well. I've been in those shoes. You say no, move to a different country, start a cake business, but they still find you.
In one of my previous articles, I wrote that when evil or a monster threatens people, you need another monster to fight it. When a monster raises you, and you live among them, you know them so well. You don't need special training to spot them; you know how they think, what they "eat," and what they fear.
I've been thinking that maybe it was time to admit that protecting people and their businesses is what I do best and get back to it when my son's question distracted me.
"Do you remember the song about his mother?"
"The one that made me cry so much?"
"Yes, it's called "Mama," but I found out that there is one more—"How could you leave us?" He's even crying there."
And we listened to both songs, and I cried, of course. But it's ok. As my friend, an old lady, likes to say: cry, it's ok, you'll piss less.
Pssstsss: in case there's YouTube in heaven, here are the links
Intro III:
How could you leave us:
Mama: