The Zen of Turning a Wrench

This morning I finally started working on a conference abstract that is due next Wednesday. I've been planning to get to it for the past month and have even blocked out dedicated time on my calendar to write it up. I've had the sample abstract open on my desktop all month along with notes that I've jotted down. All of my planning did not lead to me starting my process any earlier. I can't help but wonder how it is that I am still dealing with procrastination despite my efforts at changed behavior. When I step back and analyze my own "root cause" I’ve come to the conclusion that I am afraid of getting in over my head. I am fearful that I will start writing this abstract and it won’t be good enough, or I’ll decide I can’t do it. I had an experience last night that finally shifted my energy around this. You know what I did last night after work? I took on a project and got in totally over my head, I'm still here to talk about it so clearly the outcome wasn't as bad as I had feared.

This past Saturday my dream car arrived. No, it isn't the Audi R8 or a Tesla, my dream car is a 50-year-old Ford Maverick. I had one in high school that I've been missing it ever since I wrecked it 28 years ago. The car is everything I wanted, it’s the right color, has the V8 engine with just the right sound when I put my foot on the gas and is possibly the only one of its kind in the state. One of my favorite parts of the car is how easy it is work on. No electronics or computer chips, most basic maintenance can be accomplished by tools I have in the garage. Last night I decided to replace a burned-out light bulb in one of the grill lamps. The 2 orange grill lamps were a feature of the "Grabber" package for the Maverick. It turns out you have to remove the grill from the car and disassemble the light housings in order to replace the small light bulb. I talked myself through it, and vowed to set each screw, nut and washer down in order as I worked. What I had not taken into consideration was 50 years’ worth of work arounds that previous owners of the car had put into place. Most of the hardware I pulled out wasn't the right fit, none of it looked the same. I was left with a miss mash collection of nuts, bolts, washers and clips. One of them needed a shot of WD-40 before I could even get it to budge. With the grill apart and the burnt-out bulb exposed, I replaced it with the new one. Now the other lamp that had worked before my grill operation wasn't lighting up. I pulled that one apart and switched out the bulbs. Still no light. I put the old bulb back in, still no light. I wiggled the wires behind the lamp, which also seemed to have a few "work arounds" in place. Still no light.

I looked down at the pile of various hardware I had on the ground and then up to the sky. The sun was starting to set, and I was now up against a deadline to get the grill put back together. For a moment I seriously doubted if I would be able to get the job done. None of the nuts, bolts and washers made any sense. I decided to save the light that wasn't working for another day and prioritized getting the grill back on. I started by putting back together each light assembly and in the process remembered which screw went where. I then moved onto the grill and its collection of various hardware. I found myself in the garage pulling out my own nuts and bolts so I could improve on the previous owners work arounds. With each turn of the wrench, I was becoming more confident that I would actually get the car put back together and be able to park it back in the garage. Right before dark I was able to step back and admire my work. I had done it; I was able to put the entire grill back together. It was still attached to the car this morning.

My end goal of getting both grill lamps working didn't happen as planned. The magic that occurred last night is that I found myself totally in over my head and I was able to get myself out of trouble by taking one small step at a time. As my confidence increased with each secured bolt, I believed I was capable of the end goal. Now that I've finally started on the writing project I've been putting off, I am also starting to believe I can accomplish the goal of submitting the abstract. Luckily, I still have time to revise and edit before the deadline, one turn of the wrench at a time.