Zen Tennis At Work

Turn the war at work into a game

As those in the room grumble about the change in policy, Bob, the #1 to your #2, neglects to mention the advice you offered just last week: “We really need to let everyone know.” To assuage the grumble Bob’s, “We’ll do better next time” nods towards mea-culpa but also leaves the impression the oversight was yours.

Bob sent a first serve your way.

“That’s a terrific idea,” says Linda, your Head of School. “Is it something you would like to run with?” You want this to feel good about this offer except that Linda always says something ambiguous like this, never offers more concrete support.

That’s today’s return from Linda.

Bill, the oldest person on your board, who spins most conversations back to his time in the C-Suite of a Fortune 500 loves to “follow up” with emails detailing all you--a woman in her first big job--should be doing for the non-profit you run.

Bill’s barely in his court, charging the net.

How might you respond to Bob or Linda or Bill?

First, as “Zen Tennis” suggests, can you lower the stakes and see such interactions as something other than life or death? Something other than a war? Because that’s how our feelings, that atomic furnace of righteousness, need and exposed wounds most of us are most of the time wants to do.  

• Muscle out of the meeting with Bob and clench hard on that “F. U Dude” for thirty minutes at least and maybe for a lifetime.
• Lose sleep over Linda’s evasiveness and mark tomorrow as another of worry about next year’s contract and this as a career.
• Plan a non-too subtle way of getting Bill kicked off the baord with just enough public upset and that he shall know your wrath.

But if you play tennis, rather than go to war, the lowered stakes also make it likely you get more of what you want too. Maybe your response can’t be “game, set match” but you can respond more as a player wanting to make the game “win-win” rather than a soldier caught up in the life and death struggle our feelings often tell us work and life is.

Start here: That ball coming at you?

• The passive-aggressive attack? That serve?
• The uncertain judgment of a return?
• The incapacity to empathize and stay on the decent side of the net?

Treat it as information.

• What is Bob saying about communication?
• What is Linda telling you about her job?
• What is Bill conveying about being old?

 Did Bob serve you a bus to throw you under because he’s a jerk? Maybe. But maybe he is happier with spreadsheets than emotions? Is he threatened by the fact that the crew likes you more than they do him? Was he embarrassed he did not remember your forewarning and so he stumbled in the meeting?

Is Linda playing you? Trying to look supportive and kind without ever being either? Perhaps. Or perhaps she just has too many initiatives to deal with, too many ideas that go nowhere and for which she ends up on the hook. She wants to be supportive but fears getting burned by a system of indeterminacy that makes her work and security just as precarious as yours.

Is Bob saying you are terrible at all you do? Especially because he’s the man and you are the woman? Or because you are young and he is old? Or is it closer to: “I want to feel useful the way I once did?”

Remember, none of these folks lack their own atomic furnace of hurt and need, fear and doubt.  They often forget to make life and work a fun win-win rather than a survive or die war. Remembering that this might be what’s giving them direction, rather than their own title or role might help you think about who’s on the other side of the net and thus what kind of shot to play.

“What did you think of the meeting Bill?” You might ask, seeing if he returns with a sense it could have gone better. If so, after a little back and forth, you might approach a winning shot: “Let me set the agenda, keep the troops happy, make you look good.”

“Thanks for your support, Linda. If we get ten people into this optional program I propose can I come back to you and talk about it again to see what a next step might be?” A clear shot like that might force Linda to commit to this rally.

“Dear Little Boy Bill: Rather than openly addressing your obvious five-year-old need, and before using ‘tone-deaf man’ as a way to usher you off the board I am going to think of a way you might actually be useful to me and get you to play that from your court.” To walk the baseline with that in mind might improve your next board meeting.

Three more points about Zen Tennis implied from the above:

A good shot, as already suggested, does not change everything and suddenly make you Wimbledon champ, but it may well shift the back and forth in such a way that brings a little more calm, fun and effectiveness to what was fraught, painful or stuck.

Second, sometimes all you can do is be a wall. That’s your best play. To respond with the protocol or whatever costs you the least energy. But if that is your most common interaction and all you do all day, then something about the court you are playing in or those you play with is amiss.

Because (third) ultimately you want to be around people who make the back and forth fun and productive. In an office of trust, with great bosses and colleagues, your Federer drop shot or Williams serve is less necessary and more appreciated by the crowd.

Zen Tennis:

First: Treat what comes your way as information.

Second: Remember to see the shot from the perspective of the person on the other side of the court and recall that like most of us, they play such games from their little child. atomic furnace self of feelings too.

Third: With clear, low stakes shots, make it easy and fun for those on the other side of the court to hit their return.

Do that with some consistency and the battles become a game, the losses go from unbearable to tolerable, and the true win of playing well together spreads from you to others. And that’s good for your day-to-day, as well as your career.