If You've Ever Spent a Summer in Dallas!
I lived in Dallas for many years. More than anything, I remember the summers! Hot and...well...hot. I published a book many years back called "LOLOL". It was some of the funniest e-mails I'd ever received. This was one of my favorites called "Dear Diary":
Dear Diary
May 30th:
Dear Diary…
Just moved to Dallas. Now this is a city that knows how to live!
Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place!
Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my home. I love it here.
June 14th
Dear Diary…
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I’m turning into a sun worshipper.
June 30th
Dear Diary…
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me.
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th
Dear Diary…
The temperature hasn’t been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it’s kind of windy, though. But getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer than I expected.
July 15th
Dear Diary…
Fell asleep by the pool. got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ole’ sun in a climate like this.
July 20th
Dear Diary…
I didn’t see Morgan (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Morgan had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $2,000 leather upholstery. I had to tell the kids she ran away. Now the car smells like Kibbles and bits. I learned my lesson, though. No more pets in this heat.
July 25th
Dear Diary…
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant blow dryer!! And, it’s hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th
Dear Diary…
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. $1,500 in house payments and we can’t even go inside. Why’d I ever come here?
August 4th
Dear Diary…
It’s 106 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85, but this humidity makes the house feel like it’s about 95. Stupid repairman peed in my pool. I hate this stupid city.
August 8
Dear Diary…
If I hear another wise crack, “Hot enough for you today?”, I’m going to strangle him. Heat! By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!!
August 9th
Dear Diary…
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts and sat on the black leather seats in the ole’ car. I thought my butt was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and butt. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried butt and baked cat.
August 10th
Dear Diary…
The weather report might as well be a recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It’s been too hot to use the toilet for 2 months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn’t it ever rain in this desert?? Water rationing will be next. So might $1,700 worth of cactus just dry up and blow into the pool. Even the cactus can’t live in this heat!
August 14th
Dear Diary…
Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 115 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, “Hot enough for you today?” My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment just to bail me out of jail for assault. Texas! What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?!?