You're Thinking Yourself Out Of Human Connection

Stop being judgmental.

Feel connected, not separated.

Rule your thoughts, rule your relationships.

It's not too often I publish a seminal piece that involves a big paradigm shift. Adopting this shift has massively impacted my quality of life. I hope you enjoy.

2016. Jacques' first corporate job.

He didn't like the people there. He judged them. They were 'normies' and he was 'different.'

See, back when I was immature (still am), I judged people a lot. I made up stories about others. I found the differences, instead of the similarities. I told myself "These people are not entrepreneurs like me." It led to a lack of belonging, fewer relationships forming, and less motivation.

Today, I want to show you how to overcome this pattern of thinking. Yes, being judgmental relies on thinking. In the next 5 minutes, I am going to explain the relationship between your thoughts and your feelings of disconnection.

I promise to revolutionize how you relate with others.

...

There are three human mental states.

There's doing. There's thinking. There's being.

Most of the time, humans exist in the doing or thinking state. Doing is characterized by a tunnel-vision focus on a certain task. Do-ers are preoccupied. They miss the roses and the rainbows, because they're in a rush. Busy achieving and checking off their to-do list.

Thinkers are distracted. They are disconnected from their sensory experience and the physical environment, but not through intense focus. They are lost in thought. Whether daydreaming, planning for the future, or replaying the past, thinkers are not present. They are not 'here.'

At last, being. Being is a state of immersion in one's sensory experience. Being is about breathing the fresh air, taking it all in, and fully noticing the experience of life, without pollution by thoughts. Be-ers are really here and now. You'll notice it when you're with them. Be-ers are not in a rush, nor are they distracted. Be-ers don't exist in time. They exist in the now.

Adopting the state of being increases empathy and intimacy with virtually anyone you meet.

There are two situations under which being improves your relationships. 1. When the human is present in front of you. And 2. When they are absent. Let's begin with #1.

When you're fully experiencing another human's company, it's very difficult to get angry at them, separate from them, or triggered by them. Let me explain.

Being is about watching thoughts, feelings, and reactions emerge and disappear; I will refer to these as waves for short. These waves are fleeting experiences in your body and mind. When you're in a state of being, waves do not control your behavior or connections. The fact that the human in front of you triggered an uncomfortable wave in you does not have any influence over your interaction with them.

Let's zoom in. Let's say you're socializing at a party and someone comes up to you and playfully insults you. "You must have a big ego if you're dressed like that." In response, let's say the feeling of defensiveness and the thought 'this person is an ass hole' arise in you.

There are two ways your interaction can unravel. 1. You can give power to the waves, close yourself to this person, and maybe even walk away. 2. Or you can adopt the state of being, witness the gradual disappearance of the waves, and respond with curiosity and humor.

Being prevents waves, originating in your neural patterns, from interfering with your connection with the human in front of you.

Let's say, you're now driving home from the party. The person who insulted you is not present.

This is the second case where being can prevent separation and judgment. What I've found in my life is, in the absence of the human, I often think skewed thoughts about them. My mind comes up with reasons why they are different, inferior, or incompetent. I will think my way into not liking them. I will find faults. Just like I did at my first corporate job.

Default psychology is to find the negative traits in others.

Being is the antidote. Being is about riding the waves and witnessing them dissolve, and then bringing your attention back to the now. So, adopting the state of being prevents you from thinking up false realities about the people you've related with.

Let's talk about judgmental humans. They are professionals at thinking up reasons to not like others. They are hyper-heady, suffering an inner monologue that creates separation. 'I don't like A, B, C about this person.'

I'm an advocate for being judgmental, in doses, because I believe that the people with whom you surround yourself predicts your well-being more than anything else. But, being judgmental does create separation. The question is, do you want to separate yourself from this person right now?

Being judgmental with intention is powerful. 'I am looking to meet people who share my values today, so I am going to be on the lookout for signs.' I am in this mode almost all the time. But less so than in the past.

What I believe today is this: Every human can nourish, intrigue, and excite me. I just need to apply some effort to make them safe. Whether they share my values or not, I have found this to be true while globe-trotting.

Let me give you an example.

I lived in Miami for 1 month with a team of blockchain conference planners. This was our last day at the conference.

They didn't share some of my values of health and personal growth. Regardless, I found the parallels, joined their team, and created amazing experiences with them—including taking them to the roof of a skyscraper and leading a dance.

So it turned out to be one of the most meaningful periods of my 8 month journey.

Let's summarize.

We defined the three states of human consciousness.

We discovered that there are two ways we can apply being to deepen our relationships with others.

We explored intentional judgment as a mode of relating, and how being can help us become less judgmental.

Final Recommendation

Start catching the waves (noticing them before they cause you to disconnect).

10 seconds. If you're feeling thankful, could you like or comment this article? What wisdom do you have to share with other readers? We'd love to hear your additions.

If you liked this, you'll like my blog about social skills, health, and happiness. Sign up for?access to my best facilitation tools.

Thanks for spreading healthier human connections ??

— Jacques The Party Scientist, BSc. Pharmacology

I help innovative workplaces design their internal meetings to generate more well-being and psychological safety. Forward [email protected] to leaders who want to try new approaches to preventing burnout & turnover.