If You’re Thinking About Mixing Friends and Business, You Need to Think Again

The following is adapted from F*ck Me Running (a Business)!

Before I started my business, I had never managed anyone. Once I started hiring people for my company, I had to figure out what to do with them. In my infinite, 23-year-old wisdom, I figured the best way to manage them was to look at what I wanted from a boss when I was an employee.?

I didn’t consider that I was never a typical employee. My attitude had always been, Don’t manage me. Just tell me where we’re going, and I’ll get us there before you can even ask how it’s going. During my first years as a business owner, I assumed everyone I hired felt the same way. So, since everyone thought like me, I decided to do what was most convenient: hire my friends.?

Maybe you’ve had the same idea. Maybe (like I did), you assume other people think like you, work like you, and want the same things you want.

If so, then I want to stop you from making what could be a huge mistake. If you’re thinking about hiring your friends, you need to rethink that. And, if you still decide your friends will be a great fit after hearing what I have to say, you need to think about how to set the relationship up so that they are empowered to do their best for you (don’t worry, I have some tips about how to do that as well).?

You Have to Maintain Accountability

As I found out, the problem with hiring friends is insidious and potentially damaging to your friendships and the company. A successful business relies on the accountability of its people, from the CEO to the executive team, management, individual contributors, and even the part-time receptionist.?

As the boss, when something goes wrong that your employee (who is also your friend) could have fixed, guess who gets to have the difficult conversations and pick up the pieces? Yep, you. Those talks are painful enough to begin with, but now you have to tell them they’re not getting that bonus, they could be demoted, and you might even have to let them go. How is that going to play out in your office?

I’ve had these conversations. Despite what you say or how pure your intentions, people hear you as a boss—when they thought you were their friend. A sense of betrayal hangs over those conversations like a dark cloud. There’s discomfort, awkwardness, and tension, and no matter how many times you go out for beers afterward, the feeling persists. It’s baggage that never goes away.

These situations aren’t just bad for employees and the business, they take a toll on you too. Deciding how to handle them and dealing with the stress around them takes an incredible amount of time and emotional energy that you should be spending on your business. You can avoid it, though. Just don’t hire your friends.

Pitfalls of Mixing Friends and Business

Hiring friends is tempting for a lot of reasons. Unless you’re seed-funded and have millions in the bank, you’re starting off on a tight budget. I started my company with $5,000 in my checking account after taking out $1,500 to cover the basic business startup costs.?

Recruiting people you don’t know is tough when you can’t “show them the money,” but friends are a lot more trusting. They believe you won’t scam them, and of course, you don’t want to scam them.

Bringing on a “friendly audience” makes starting a business a little less scary, too. Friends won’t criticize you. They won’t tear you down and deflate your confidence. Friends tell you you’re doing a great job, sometimes even when you’re not.

None of these are good reasons to hire friends. In fact, they are reasons you should not hire them. Want more reasons? How about how difficult it is to give serious feedback to an employee who also happens to be your friend? It’s usually a choice between holding back because you don’t want to ruin the friendship, or barging ahead and destroying the relationship.?

Or, what about favoritism? Other employees will start to feel like your friends get more support at work and can get away with doing less work (whether or not that’s true). Those are just a few of the downsides of hiring friends—and left unchecked, any of these issues can take your business down.

Communicate Based on Respectful Candor

Jack Welch, the former CEO of General Electric, had a lot to say about being a good leader. In conversations with your staff (whether they’re your friends or not), he recommended being honest and direct while remaining open to the other person’s perspective. Welch advised approaching people with candor as if you’re their coach.?

In some ways, I think of “coach” as another word for “candor” because a coach has to communicate openly about their expectations and each player’s commitment. A coach’s candor also prevents them from being overly empathetic. They understand the person’s point of view but don’t allow a player’s emotional excuses to overwhelm the reason for holding them accountable. A coach is candid about where a player isn’t measuring up.

Don’t confuse being respectfully candid with having a license to ignore employees’ feelings. You’re not there to vent, commiserate, or empathize. You are the leader, and ultimately, the problems are yours. It’s your job to lead the person toward a solution.?

When you talk to your staff about failures, keep your emotions intact and don’t just dump the problem and all the consequences of it on them. Give them a chance to respond. And leave the word “you” out of the conversation. Otherwise, your words can feel like an attack.?

Lead With Respect

At the end of the day, it’s best to avoid hiring your friends. There are very few good reasons to hire a friend, and hundreds of reasons not to. However, if you do hire your friends, you have to set boundaries and lead them with respectful candor. In fact, that’s how you should lead everyone who works for you, friend or not.

Establishing a relationship with each of your employees based on respectful candor allows your staff to see you differently. They don’t fear you; they respect you. They don’t take advantage of you or try to “gaslight” you, because you’ve made your expectations and their responsibilities clear.

For more advice on how to manage your staff successfully, you can find F*ck Me Running (a Business)! on Amazon.

Nolan Garrett is the Founder and CEO of Intrinium, a firm dedicated to providing clients with comprehensive consulting and managed services in security solutions and information technology. Voted Best Place to Work Inland Northwest for three consecutive years, Intrinium has distinguished itself as a leader in IT solutions and workplace culture. Nolan is a member of the Forbes Technology Council and the Information Systems Security Association, among other organizations. With CIO and CISO experience and a background that includes multimillion-dollar cybersecurity transformations, Nolan provides specialized insight for businesses large and small in a variety of industries.