You're Somebody Else

"Well, you look like yourself, but you're somebody else, only it ain't on the surface. Well, you talk like yourself. No, I hear someone else, though. Now, you're making me nervous." - Flora Cash

Have you ever felt like somebody else? Like there was somebody else bubbling underneath the surface of who you are? I think that many of us have this, or at least I like to tell myself that I am not alone. I lived in Japan for almost 10 years, and my Japanese was pretty good. Funny thing is that I often felt a slight disconnect between my personality in Japanese and my personality in English. Maybe because I was storing all those Japanese words in a different part of my brain, or maybe because a different language and culture was just a good opportunity to express a different side of myself and who I am.

Since the first lockdown on March 17th last year, when Covid first began around here, I have had this same cd playing in my car. Now, I have a tendency to compulsively listen to the same music in my car for long periods of time, but not usually for over a year. I have had my Flora Cash cd playing, though, since before Covid started. There is something about the song, "You're Somebody Else" that just syncs with me right now. Maybe it is the confused feelings that this year has brought. Maybe it is a mid-life crisis, and due to the fact that my work which seemed quite secure and stable, has suddenly shifted beneath my feet. What if I was no longer "The Thinking Man's Circular Knitting Machine Mechanic", what will my next incarnation be?

For almost 10 years I worked as an English teacher in Japan, and I was a good one. I taught a variety of students and ages, but mostly younger children. I enjoyed my job, and was still remembered well 19 years later when my son returned and worked part-time at my old school. My picture was still hanging on the wall. I was Manager of Foreign Staff and had around 20 hours of teaching time weekly. It was an enjoyable job, and I was popular with the schools, parents, and my students. But, it was so different than what I do now. You can't even draw any comparison between the two lives. I was in ways a different person.

My son is grown up, waiting to get the definite word on whether he is accepted to Oxford University for his Ph.D. or not. It leaves me with a wistful feeling, as part of me wishes that I had gone on to university after high school, rather than getting married and moving to Japan. I mean, I don't care about having a degree, except that too often in the last few years I have had to deal with inept professionals, and it is depressing. Yet, the idea of going back to school at my age when we are so secure financially, seems scary, risky, and unfair to my wife who would have to keep working full-time while I became a student. Am I somebody else, could I be somebody else? This question nags me in the back of my mind. Perhaps why this song seems to speak to me so closely.

I who have a tendency to be too easily contented, suddenly feel a nagging sense of discontentment, that I can't completely shake off. A need to do something different, experience something new, or forge a new path. Another factory job doesn't appeal to me, as the mill where I work has been a unique experience, but I probably can't recreate the same thing anywhere else. I don't want to try and recreate the same thing again somewhere else.

It is my long-term goal to write a book about my experiences in the knitting mill, but it is still too early for that. Ideally, I would like to have been there till the end. The book itself will be easier to write when I am no longer in Truro, the stories easier to tell. It is that other side of my personality looking to spread it's wings and define itself. My writing is leading somewhere, but I have no clue where it is leading to. And, I suppose that I am not the first writer who imagined that his writing would lead somewhere.

So, perhaps these are just the ramblings of a middle-aged man, going through a type of mid-life crisis. I am the right age for that, I guess. But, I suspect that I am not alone, and that others of you are going or will go through similar phases in your lives. No one has the answer for me, and no one has the answer for you. We've got to find our own way in this life, we've go to forge our own path. We need to discover again who we are and where it is we want to go. Sorry, I've got no answers, if you've been hoping for some wise insight at the end of this article. I'm still searching for that insight. When I find it, you can trust that I'll let you know. pEACE oUT thom

“The journey is difficult, immense. We will travel as far as we can, but we cannot in one lifetime see all that we would like to see or to learn all that we hunger to know.” ― Loren Eiseley