You’re Not Saying ‘No’ Near Enough and Here’s Exactly How To Start

Over a decade ago when I first walked into the rooms of anonymous programs, I heard someone say:

“NO is a full sentence and should be used as such.”

At the time, I had no clue what boundaries were - I was a people pleaser to the absolute max, and hearing this powerful statement seeded the fact that I could make a different choice. I’ve since expanded it out but it’s something that I’m still actively working at.

Do you ever feel frustrated because you feel like you “have” to do something? Maybe it's a dinner, an errand or a phone call but you feel drained afterward.?

Why do you say ‘yes’ when what you really mean is ‘no’?

I understand the social pressures; feeling obligated because they would do the same for me, wanting to show people that you care about them, etc. But does doing these things actually help the relationship with the other person? Over time, you might quietly start to resent these people that you’re saying ‘yes’ to when it should be a ‘no’. It could actually damage the relationship not only with the other person but the relationship that you have with yourself.

When we say ‘yes’ when it’s actually a ‘no’, you’re telling yourself that your needs are not as important as other people’s needs. Jay Shetty said something to the effect of:

“You can always squeeze something in and make time, but you can’t squeeze out more energy.”

What you’ve got is what you’ve got and taking time to recharge is key. If you’re giving away the energy doing things that you don’t want to do, you’re going to half-ass the things that you actually care about.

This year, we’ve seen women, specifically Black women, leading the way and showing us how to do it differently. Women like Simone Biles, Naomi Osaka and Nikole Hannah-Jones just straight up said “Not me and my mental health/energy.”?

Tiffany Dufu, Author of Drop the Ball and Founder of The Cru, has a simple 4-step process for saying ‘No’.?

1. Start with gratitude: “I’m so grateful that you thought of me for _____.”
2. Share a little about what you’re doing with your time instead: “Tonight I need to take time for myself and recharge.”
3. Say ‘NO’ without an apology: “This is why I will not be there.”
4. End with gratitude: “Thank you again for thinking of me and keep me in the loop about future ___.”

If you get really good at this, I promise you the way you show up to everything else will be fundamentally different.?

??This week I’m…?

?? Reading:

• Recapture the Rapture by Jaime Wheal
• A Radical Awakening Dr. Shefali Tsabary

?? Listening:

• Mars Patel w/ my daughter

????Practicing:

• Not competing in games that I don’t care to play
• Giving up behaviors that do not add to my life

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