You're not a robot.
Photo courtesy Matan Segev from Pexels

You're not a robot.

"Honey, when you don't listen to Dad, he gets frustrated and sad."

If you're a parent, I'm willing to bet that you've had that conversation at least once with your child(ren). The "for-the-love-of-would-you-please-just-do-what-I-want-instead-of-whatever-it-is-you're-currently-doing" conversation.

Here's the problem with that conversation: It's not true.

I'm not frustrated and sad because of my kid's behaviour. To believe that I am is to believe that my children are able to "push my buttons" or "pull my trigger" (two pretty common phrases).

I don't have buttons. Neither do you. We're not robots.

To believe otherwise, that we do have "buttons" that other people are able to push to get a reaction out of us, is to also accept the following;

  1. That we aren't responsible for our emotions and the behaviours that follow.
  2. That, therefore, other people should bear the responsibility of managing our emotional wellness (I use children in this example, as a father of three it's always top of mind, but outsourcing responsibility and control of our emotional health to ANYONE is probably a recipe for disaster).
Giving my 5-year old access to my emotional or behavioural "buttons" is like giving her the keys to my truck...I shouldn't be surprised if she crashes it into the garage.

In fact, I should assume that's exactly what would happen if I did.

Fundamentally, this conversation is about our "locus of control", the degree to which we believe that we, as opposed to external forces, are in control over the outcomes in our lives.

Obviously, we are neither fully in control, nor are we fully subject to the whims of the universe, and the idea of "internal" and "external" are on a spectrum that we all move around on. Right now, we're all dealing with the disruption to our routines and circumstances caused by the COVID-19 pandemic. There are things that are obviously outside of our influence and control.

But what is ALWAYS within our control, or must be if we're to have any agency, autonomy or power in our lives, is our emotional state and the moment-to-moment choices that we make as a result.

To believe otherwise, is to risk disempowering ourselves, placing an unfair burden of responsibility on others to "manage" us, and to risk the blame, shame and resentment that will inevitably follow.

If you're interested in hearing more about this, have a listen to this short podcast episode, where I dig into it a little deeper.

Be well, and make sure you find a way to hide those buttons from the 5-year old.

-Jeff Couillard


Evan Weselake CSHR PCC

Executive Coach | Facilitator | TEDx Speaker | Improving Focus & Communication for the whole Team

4 年

I remember learning about Locus of Control in MSc Sport Psych, it's a fantastic tool for recognizing when/how you are 'giving away the power'. Thx Jeff.

要查看或添加评论,请登录

Jeff Couillard的更多文章

  • That's Billion (with a B)

    That's Billion (with a B)

    The estimated total cost of addiction and mental health treatment in North America for 2020 is right around 330 billion…

    3 条评论
  • The Power of Choice

    The Power of Choice

    Yesterday my truck was broken into while I was facilitating a workshop on the Right Use of Power, Compassionate…

    1 条评论
  • Trauma's Not the Problem

    Trauma's Not the Problem

    Trauma is a problem, no doubt about it. We know that people with Adverse Childhood Experience's (ACE's) are more likely…

    4 条评论
  • No war? No frontline.

    No war? No frontline.

    If you've been following along with me the past while, you'll notice that I have a tendency to focus on the language…

    2 条评论
  • You don't have 'triggers'.

    You don't have 'triggers'.

    As people begin to develop or work on their self-awareness, a common practice is "getting to know your triggers"…

    8 条评论
  • Don't be the squeaky wheel

    Don't be the squeaky wheel

    I have a lot of conversations with frontline practitioners and leaders about "managing up", trying to influence their…

    2 条评论
  • It's not your fault, (but)...

    It's not your fault, (but)...

    This is a follow up post to some thoughts I've been having about The Problem with Trauma Informed Practice (and…

    2 条评论
  • Why Goal-Setting Sucks

    Why Goal-Setting Sucks

    Me (as a young, frustrated youth worker): "Hey, guys, I know that setting treatment goals and doing your case plans…

    4 条评论
  • The Problem with Trauma-Informed Practice

    The Problem with Trauma-Informed Practice

    The conversation about Trauma-Informed Practice is happening everywhere. You can't throw a stick at an education…

    16 条评论
  • Feel free to unsubscribe.

    Feel free to unsubscribe.

    Today is #BellLetsTalk day, a day to continue reducing the stigma around mental health in society. This post isn't…

    2 条评论

社区洞察

其他会员也浏览了