You're not a robot.

"Honey, when you don't listen to Dad, he gets frustrated and sad."

If you're a parent, I'm willing to bet that you've had that conversation at least once with your child(ren). The "for-the-love-of-would-you-please-just-do-what-I-want-instead-of-whatever-it-is-you're-currently-doing" conversation.

Here's the problem with that conversation: It's not true.

I'm not frustrated and sad because of my kid's behaviour. To believe that I am is to believe that my children are able to "push my buttons" or "pull my trigger" (two pretty common phrases).

I don't have buttons. Neither do you. We're not robots.

To believe otherwise, that we do have "buttons" that other people are able to push to get a reaction out of us, is to also accept the following;

1. That we aren't responsible for our emotions and the behaviours that follow.
2. That, therefore, other people should bear the responsibility of managing our emotional wellness (I use children in this example, as a father of three it's always top of mind, but outsourcing responsibility and control of our emotional health to ANYONE is probably a recipe for disaster).

Giving my 5-year old access to my emotional or behavioural "buttons" is like giving her the keys to my truck...I shouldn't be surprised if she crashes it into the garage.

In fact, I should assume that's exactly what would happen if I did.

Fundamentally, this conversation is about our "locus of control", the degree to which we believe that we, as opposed to external forces, are in control over the outcomes in our lives.

Obviously, we are neither fully in control, nor are we fully subject to the whims of the universe, and the idea of "internal" and "external" are on a spectrum that we all move around on. Right now, we're all dealing with the disruption to our routines and circumstances caused by the COVID-19 pandemic. There are things that are obviously outside of our influence and control.

But what is ALWAYS within our control, or must be if we're to have any agency, autonomy or power in our lives, is our emotional state and the moment-to-moment choices that we make as a result.

To believe otherwise, is to risk disempowering ourselves, placing an unfair burden of responsibility on others to "manage" us, and to risk the blame, shame and resentment that will inevitably follow.

If you're interested in hearing more about this, have a listen to this short podcast episode, where I dig into it a little deeper.

Be well, and make sure you find a way to hide those buttons from the 5-year old.

-Jeff Couillard