You’re Not a Quitter Even If You Sometimes Quit

False narratives, for better or worse, impact our lives in dramatic (and traumatic) ways. With self-empathy, we can overcome the misconceptions, infuse compassion into our toughest challenges and embrace the idea that our failures are at once a part of life’s journey and a basic prerequisite to succeed. This understanding is something that took me years, if not decades, to accept.?

I attended the University of Virginia as an undergrad. My first year, I was elected to become the President of the Black Student Association (BSA). At 18 years old, I was the youngest president ever. The excitement of something so new and momentous gave me strength beyond my years and I pushed myself as a leader to do more and become more than I ever thought possible.

About midway through the year, a close friend of mine, who happened to be running for president of the University-wide student council, was assaulted in what eventually led to an FBI hate crime investigation. To say that it was a stressful time would be an understatement. But in response, I did what came naturally to me, I advocated for justice, healing, and change. Though I didn’t realize it at the time, leading through historic adversity was too overwhelming a task for my teenage mind. I found myself stressed and, in retrospect, likely traumatized from the events in my own way. Shortly after things began to settle down, I stepped down from my role with the BSA. Or better said, I unceremoniously quit in a way that even then I felt was shameful.?

Cut to my first job after college working at an investment bank in New York City. It was a prestigious job and one that I was surely lucky to have. I should have been happy, grateful, and highly motivated. Unfortunately, I wasn’t. I quite disliked my job. I couldn’t quite articulate why, but I knew that I was deeply unhappy. This profound unhappiness prompted me to again quit—this time about six months prior to the end of the typical two-year “analyst” stint. I’d notionally based my decision to leave on the decision to start my own company, but truth be told I just wanted to get out of there. Just like my freshman year at UVA, I felt ashamed by my decision (though still compelled to follow through with it).?

What do these two stories have in common??

Collectively, they formed a tremendous amount of shame that I’ve carried with me for two decades and reinforced the belief that I am, somehow, a quitter. This is not true. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth--It’s simply a narrative that I’ve repeated to myself over and over again. With repetition comes reinforcement, and with reinforcement eventually comes instilled beliefs.

Thankfully, now that I’m older, I’ve been able to reflect on those moments and decisions in my life with much greater self-empathy. UVA—perhaps I was just a traumatized teenager who didn’t quite know what else to do. My first job—perhaps I was a budding entrepreneur who felt deeply constrained by the bureaucratic environment of an investment banking analyst program. Could I have navigated things better on the margins? Sure. Did I deserve to sentence myself to life as a quitter? No.??

I wish that I’d been able to see these events more clearly, viewed through the forgiving lens of self-empathy. Leaving the BSA presidency and cutting my first job short were simply instances in my life when I made a choice, and if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t be where I am today. Now, as a slightly wiser, more mature, and more empathetic 38-year old, I look upon these decisions with a fulfilling sense of clarity, more readily able to accept those decisions simply for what they were.?

That notwithstanding, as I look ahead, I often find myself wondering where I’m creating these false narratives today and how they are shaping my decisions and overall happiness. The path of an entrepreneur is not as linear as the world would like you to suppose it is, just as the road to self-acceptance is unexpectedly paved with the false narratives we tell. The more we can identify what’s not true, the closer we can get to living and leading with truth.?