You’re a New Leader and You Made a Misstep with Your New Team. Here’s How to Win Them Back.

Co-written with my good friend and amazing colleague Chantal Laurie Below , this article was first published in Fast Company .

Accepting the role of CEO to a national nonprofit, Liza felt energized by the board’s challenge to evolve the organization’s mission and programming. Anticipating heavy work demands, she set early expectations with her team: she would work half days on Fridays and take a monthly mental health day to reflect and restore. Liza cited research reinforcing her decision and felt pride modeling her leadership values. After talking with her team, though, she noticed hesitation, even detecting long sighs and an eye roll. She wondered, “Are they trying to sabotage me?”

In our experience coaching hundreds of executives, Liza’s story is common. Many new-in-role leaders readily assert their leadership style, prepared to deliver on promises they made while interviewing to influence the trajectory of the organization. If a leader doesn’t fully understand the context, culture, and people within the existing organization, however, their visionary zeal can land poorly. When early mistakes aren’t addressed quickly, they can fester, destroying initial goodwill and leading to irreparably harmed relationships.??

If you’ve stepped into a new role and find yourself confused by the dynamics or sense you’re losing the support of your team, here are three steps you can take:

RESIST DOUBLING DOWN AND DEFENDING

When you sense your actions are received poorly, it’s tempting to justify your reasoning and explain your goals further. Liza presumed the staff didn’t understand the benefits of her self-care schedule so she moved to prove and defend the benefits of her reduced work week . When this created more distance versus alignment with her staff, Liza felt at risk.

Our human wiring for surviva l means we often instinctively move to fight or flee when we sense the threat that we don’t belong or our perspective isn’t valued. Liza “fought” by providing more data justifying her good judgment, essentially asserting “I’m right!” which only further distanced her from her team.

Through coaching, Liza saw how doubling down and defending sabotaged her. We practiced simple breathing exercises to calm her nervous system when her leadership decisions were threatened. We also explored questions that helped her widen her aperture and move into curiosity and connection mode:

• ?How might my team be trying to help me?
• What am I not seeing that they see?
• ?How can I hold this more lightly?

In a more calm, open, and measured state, Liza felt ready to learn instead of defend, a powerful first step for any leader experiencing threat in their new role.?

INVITE OTHER PERSPECTIVES AND ENGAGE WITH CURIOSITY

Once Liza calmed, she understood that different perspectives might be at play. She knew that being a “martyr” led to burnout and resentment, so her boundary setting was reasonable. She also saw that asserting her nonnegotiables left the team without room to share their concerns; they felt dismissed, as though Liza was asserting, “This is what I need: ADAPT!”

In her next leadership team meeting she shared, “I realize in my haste to be honest, I failed to ask how that landed and what your needs and boundaries are. Can we discuss more?” When they explored the issue, rich information emerged: worries about overload in her absence, concerns she was abusing her authority by following a different schedule than the team, and fears she would be unavailable for urgent decisions. Reviewing these insights together, the team could determine how to honor self-care as an organizational norm while simultaneously ensuring equity and effectiveness.

When you’re new-in-role and feeling undercurrents of resentment and pushback, the most important first stance is curiosity. Take advantage of team or direct report 1:1 time to ask deeper questions and be genuinely curious about how your proposed changes are perceived.?Invite humility into your leadership: you’ve been hired for your knowledge and experience, but your team can offer invaluable wisdom and perspective.?

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BALANCE PATIENCE WITH URGENCY WHEN APOLOGIZING

Once Liza confirmed that her approach clashed with organizational norms and alienated people, Liza knew she needed to apologize. First, though, she had to progress through the emotional stages of 1) feeling hurt by being misunderstood to 2) feeling ganged up on, to 3) anger that her intentions were misconstrued. When Liza acknowledged her deepest negative feelings, she felt prepared to move forward effectively.?

Once you recognize a miscalculation, it’s tempting to “fix” it and apologize immediately. A “good” apology, though, has several steps according to Marjorie Ingall and Susan McCarthy’s book, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry: The Case for Good Apologies . First, listen; successful apologies ensure the other person knows they’ve been heard and understood. Then, explicitly say, “I am sorry.” Don’t couch apologies by distancing your responsibility, e.g. “I’m sorry you felt that way.” Also, explicitly share what you heard and learned from follow-up conversations to demonstrate your desire to grow and improve, e.g. “I see I asserted strong opinions that felt incongruent with the existing culture and it created understandable resistance. I should have been more thoughtful in my approach.”

Finally, “repair” relations with your team by articulating what you will do differently based on what you learned. In Liza’s case, she agreed that her boundaried schedule would be an experiment for three months and could be adjusted if it didn’t work out; she agreed to make herself available virtually for pressing decisions when away. And, she established a task force to implement restorative days that could be available to all employees.?

By taking time to fully comprehend her misstep, give a straightforward apology, and make it right with her team, Liza learned from her mistakes. She honored her values while also adapting to the needs of the organization to build trust and connection.?

The vision, ideas, and enthusiasm leaders bring to new roles are inspiring. It’s likely, though, that while finding their footing in a new context, leaders will misstep. This can erode credibility and even limit tenure. Missteps that are thoughtfully acknowledged and tended to, however, can deepen trust in a leader’s capacity and propel the organization forward.?

Incite to Leadership works with executives, rising leaders and leadership teams. Learn more here about the work we do.