You're Not Just a Sponge: How Personal Agency and Compassionate Support Shape Who You Become

So, you’ve probably heard the classic line: “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” Or maybe it’s “What you read is who you become,” or even the social media favorite, “Your vibe attracts your tribe.” These catchy mantras all have one thing in common—they make it sound like you’re just a sponge soaking up your surroundings, powerless to do anything but absorb what’s around you.

But hold up! Let’s not throw out the idea entirely, because there’s some truth to it. People, media, and environments do influentially shape us—but it’s far from the full story. There’s a missing ingredient that’s often overlooked in these cookie-cutter maxims:?you.?

Yep, you, with all your quirky thoughts, rebellious streaks, doubts, and flashes of brilliance.

So, before you decide to move into a monastery, delete your Netflix account, or ghost your friends to become the “ideal” you, let’s chat about the power of personal agency and how you can master your own experiences while still valuing the influences around you.

1. “I Am Not a Robot” - How Cognitive Appraisal Changes the Game

Picture this: you’re sitting at a coffee shop, listening to a friend rant about their stressful job, all while you’re reading a motivational book about finding inner peace. Do these two conflicting experiences cancel each other out and leave you in a neutral mood, like some kind of cosmic calculator? Not exactly.

Here’s the kicker: you get to choose what to do with that information. Humans have this wonderful ability called cognitive appraisal, which is a fancy way of saying that we get to decide what all this external stuff means to us. You can hear the frustration in your friend’s voice, empathize, and still walk away feeling inspired by your book. You are not a robot who’s programmed by the data input around you—you’re an active programmer, and who gets to filter, interpret, and store what’s important.

2. Genes, Jeans, and Everything In-Between - Why Your Temperament Matters

Ever wonder why some people can binge-watch five seasons of a show without feeling the urge to become a couch potato, while others catch a whiff of personal development content and suddenly think they need to overhaul their entire existence? Spoiler alert: it’s not just about who you’re hanging out with or what you’re reading. It’s about who you are at your core.

Thanks to your good old genetic blueprint, you’ve got built-in tendencies, preferences, and inclinations. You might naturally crave adventure and novelty, or you might be more of a reflective, cautious thinker. Your genetic predisposition influences how you navigate the world—and how you respond to the people, books, and media you encounter. It’s not about becoming someone else; it’s about knowing your own tendencies and choosing experiences that align with your own temperament.

3. The Choice Is Yours - Harnessing Personal Agency Without Ignoring Feedback

Okay, so you’re the one holding the steering wheel of your life’s car, but that doesn’t mean you should ignore the GPS (a.k.a. your external influences). Just because you have personal agency doesn’t mean you have to do it all alone or stubbornly reject every piece of advice that comes your way.

In fact, research shows that?constructive feedback?and?compassionate support can accelerate growth and empower decision-making. The key? Make sure your support network and influences are acting like a loving coach, not a demeaning critic. The best kind of external feedback is the kind that encourages you, challenges you when needed, and celebrates your wins—even the small ones.

The maxim “who you surround yourself with, what you listen to, and what you read, is who you become” presents an oversimplified view of human behavior that relies on several logical fallacies and creates a false dichotomy.?

Let’s break down the issues and offer a research-backed counter-argument:        

False Dichotomies and Logical Fallacies

False Dichotomy (Either/Or Fallacy):

This maxim creates a binary between the individual’s environment and their identity, suggesting that our behavior and identity are strictly determined by these external factors. It ignores the complexity of human development and suggests that there’s little to no room for intrinsic qualities, individual agency, or other internal factors that influence outcomes.

Appeal to Authority:

The phrase implies that the opinions, beliefs, and actions of those you surround yourself with are authoritative and that they unavoidably shape your identity. It assumes that influence is mostly top-down or external, neglecting the internal processing and critical thinking individuals bring to their experiences.

Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc (False Cause):

The underlying assumption here is that correlation implies causation. The statement suggests that because individuals are exposed to certain influences (people, media, and literature), they necessarily become like them, which doesn’t account for selective filtering, individual interpretation, or cognitive biases.

Research-Based Counter-Argument

While environmental factors—like social circles, media, and literature—do have an influence on behavior, research shows that human identity and decision-making are far more complex. A multitude of factors beyond the immediate environment shape who we are and the decisions we make.?

Here are three of the most relevant:

1. Cognitive Appraisal and Self-Reflection

Cognitive appraisal, the process by which an individual interprets and makes sense of their environment, plays a significant role in how they respond to external influences. Research indicates that people engage in self-reflection, actively interpret experiences, and assign meaning to what they encounter.?

This process means that two individuals exposed to the same social or media influences can develop entirely different conclusions and behaviors. For example,?Bandura’s Social Learning Theory?suggests that while individuals observe and learn from their environment, they also engage in cognitive filtering to determine which influences they choose to internalize based on personal values and beliefs.

2. Genetic Predisposition and Temperament

Studies in behavioral genetics suggest that genetic predispositions and temperament also significantly shape behavior and identity. For instance, research shows that traits such as openness to experience, conscientiousness, and emotional stability have a genetic component and influence how one engages with the environment.?

Individuals with a high level of conscientiousness, for example, might selectively seek out environments that align with their long-term goals, while others with a more adventurous temperament might explore diverse experiences, filtering influences differently.

3. Personal Agency and Adaptive Capacity

Human beings have a natural capacity for personal agency—the ability to make choices, set goals, and direct their own behavior in response to external conditions. This capacity is closely linked to psychological resilience and adaptability.?

Research shows that people with high levels of psychological resilience can adapt to challenging environments by consciously selecting the influences they permit to shape their mindset and behavior. For example, studies in Positive Psychology emphasize the importance of self-efficacy and internal locus of control in determining how external influences are internalized.

So, while you’re filtering and processing all those outside opinions and influences, remember that they can be your greatest allies—if you let them. It’s all about balancing what others have to say with your own internal compass. Think of it as co-piloting your journey with a wise friend instead of giving up the driver’s seat.

The Takeaway:?You’re in the Driver’s Seat (But It’s Okay to Take Directions Sometimes)

At the end of the day, adaptive growth is about consciously choosing who and what you allow to influence you. Yes, the people you surround yourself with matter. Yes, what you read and listen to can shape your mindset. But you are not a blank slate or an empty vessel—you’re a dynamic, resilient, and complex person who gets to choose how those influences mold you.

Summary and Key Takeaways

While the maxim suggests a simplistic and deterministic view of behavior formation, a deeper understanding of cognitive, genetic, and adaptive factors shows that identity is not merely a reflection of one's environment. It’s instead the outcome of an intricate interplay between:

• Cognitive Appraisal - How individuals interpret and internalize influences.
• Genetic Predispositions - Inherent traits and tendencies that shape reactions.
• Personal Agency - The choices individuals make and their capacity to act autonomously.

By accounting for these diverse factors, we recognize that while environment has an influence, it is only one piece of a larger, more dynamic puzzle that includes both intrinsic and extrinsic forces shaping our behavior and identity. This more holistic view challenges the deterministic narrative presented by the maxim, highlighting the complexity and adaptability of human beings in various contexts.

So, go ahead: surround yourself with people who uplift you, read the books that challenge your thinking, and listen to that podcast that lights a fire in your soul. But don’t forget to listen to yourself, too. Your intuition, wisdom, and inner guidance matter just as much—if not more. Your choices, your interpretations, and your actions are what ultimately define who you become.

And if you need a little help along the way, don’t be afraid to lean on compassionate feedback. After all, even the best drivers consult a map every now and then.?

Closing Thoughts: Embrace the Messy Journey

Becoming an adaptive, fluid reflection of yourself isn’t about perfection or cutting out all the “negative influences” in your life. It’s about having the courage to make mistakes, the wisdom to learn from them, and the grace to accept that you’re a work in progress.?

So, go ahead and embrace your personal agency while valuing the support and feedback that can make your journey a whole lot more interesting—and enjoyable. After all, you’re the main character in your story, and you get a say when influencing how the plot unfolds.

Footnotes:

Empirical data consistently underscores the value of constructive feedback across various domains, including education, workplace performance, and personal development. Here are key findings from research:

1. Performance Improvement: A meta-analysis by Kluger and DeNisi (1996) reviewed over 600 studies and found that constructive feedback leads to significant improvements in performance. However, feedback effectiveness depends on how it is delivered, with feedback focusing on tasks and behavior yielding better results than feedback targeting personal characteristics.
2. Learning and Skill Development: Research by Hattie and Timperley (2007) in educational psychology revealed that feedback is one of the most powerful influences on student achievement, with an effect size of 0.79, which is higher than many other instructional interventions. Feedback that offers clear, actionable steps improves both learning and motivation.
3. Employee Engagement and Productivity: A Gallup study (2019) showed that employees who receive regular, meaningful feedback are 3.6 times more likely to be engaged in their work. Engagement correlates with higher productivity, profitability, and customer satisfaction, indicating a direct link between feedback and organizational success.
4. Psychological Safety and Growth: A study published in the Harvard Business Review (Zenger & Folkman, 2014) found that employees overwhelmingly prefer corrective feedback to praise, with 57% stating they would prefer to receive corrective feedback rather than just praise. Constructive feedback fosters psychological safety, a key component in environments that encourage risk-taking and creativity.
5. Emotional Regulation and Resilience: Research on feedback in coaching (Jones et al., 2016) has shown that constructive feedback can improve emotional regulation and resilience. When individuals receive feedback framed in a developmental context, it helps them better process emotions, face challenges, and adapt to stressors.

The empirical evidence shows that constructive feedback—when provided in a clear, specific, and actionable manner—can lead to substantial gains in performance, learning, and emotional well-being, while also enhancing engagement and fostering a culture of growth.