You’re Not Fighting About What You Think You’re Fighting About!

I have a surprise for you.? In the work I do around conflict (as a mediator and conflict coach) I find that most of the time, what the parties think they are fighting ABOUT is not what they are fighting?FOR.

*I’m using the word fighting here because if flows better than “in conflict about”: ??

The things you fight ABOUT?are almost always NOT the things you are fighting FOR.

But there are three main themes to the things you ARE fighting FOR – we’ll get to them in a minute.

Conflict is a natural part of human relationships, often arising from differing viewpoints, values, or interests. Traditionally, discussions about conflict focus on what people are fighting?about—be it resources, beliefs, or actions. However, a deeper, perhaps more insightful approach to understanding conflict lies in exploring what individuals are fighting for.

This perspective shifts the focus from the surface-level disputes to the underlying desires or needs that drive people to engage in conflict.

So, what are you fighting for?

These underlying drivers often boil down to?three primary themes: power and control, care and closeness, and respect and recognition.

1. Power and Control Power and control are fundamental aspects of many conflicts. These elements are not inherently negative; they reflect a person’s desire to influence their environment and make decisions that affect their life and wellbeing. When people or groups feel powerless or controlled, conflict can arise as they strive to reclaim autonomy and assert their agency.

In relationships, conflicts over power and control might manifest as disagreements about decision-making processes, roles, or responsibilities. For example, in a workplace setting, an employee might clash with a manager not just over a specific task but over a perceived lack of autonomy in their role. The underlying issue here is not merely the task itself but the employee’s desire for greater control and recognition of their capability to make independent decisions.

2. Care and Closeness Another core driver of conflict is the desire for care and closeness. This need is particularly evident in personal relationships, where individuals seek to feel valued, loved, and understood. When these needs are unmet, conflicts can arise as people express their dissatisfaction or hurt.

For instance, a common source of conflict in romantic relationships is the feeling of emotional neglect. Partners might argue about time spent together, but the deeper issue often revolves around one partner’s need for emotional intimacy and assurance of care. Addressing the conflict effectively requires recognising and validating these emotional needs, rather than merely resolving the surface disagreement.

3. Respect and Recognition Respect and recognition are crucial for maintaining self-esteem and social harmony. Conflicts often arise when people feel disrespected or unacknowledged, whether in personal or professional settings. The need for respect and recognition encompasses both acknowledging someone’s worth and appreciating their contributions.

In the workplace, conflicts over respect and recognition might emerge when a person feels their efforts are overlooked or undervalued. This can lead to frustration, resentment, and ultimately, open conflict.

Similarly, in social or familial settings, perceived slights or lack of recognition can cause significant emotional distress and conflict.

So, it’s not about the rubbish not being taken out after all?

To address these conflicts, it is essential to focus on recognising and validating the other person’s feelings and contributions. This approach helps to de-escalate tensions and fosters a more respectful and appreciative environment.

Focusing on What You’re Fighting FOR

Shifting the focus from what you’re fighting?about to what you’re fighting for requires a deeper understanding of the underlying needs and desires that drive conflict.

To manage conflicts constructively, consider the following steps:

• Identify Underlying Needs: Reflect on what you are truly seeking in the conflict. Is it control, closeness, or recognition? Understanding your needs helps clarify your position and motivations.
• Communicate Clearly: Express your needs and desires openly, without placing blame. Use “I” statements to convey your feelings and needs, such as “I feel undervalued when my contributions aren’t acknowledged.”
• Listen Actively: Focus on understanding the other party’s perspective and needs. This involves active listening, asking clarifying questions, and avoiding assumptions.
• Seek Common Ground: Look for shared interests or values that can form the basis for a compromise or solution. This approach fosters collaboration and reduces adversarial tensions.
• Develop Empathy: Try to understand the emotions and perspectives of the other party. Empathy can bridge divides and create a more compassionate dialogue.

By focusing on what you are fighting for rather than what you are fighting about, you can navigate conflicts more effectively and empathetically. This approach not only resolves immediate disputes but also fosters deeper understanding and stronger relationships in the long term.

Everything counts.

Written by Michelle McFadyen.

Michelle McFadyen is a workplace wellbeing thought leader with over 25 years of executive experience in local government. As the principal at Michelle McFadyen Consulting, she specialises in workplace wellbeing, strategy, governance, conflict management, and organisational development, empowering teams to thrive. With a background in positive psychology, leadership, communication, and stakeholder engagement, Michelle's superpowers drive impactful change and holistic growth. Explore more at https://michellemcfadyen.com .

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