If You're Ever Being Chased By A Dog...

The tale of man versus beast is as old as time itself. As much as we love to celebrate the things on Earth that bring us together, it’s usually the things that make us different that somehow occupy most of our time. This is true for humans too, of course, but when it comes to animals, we tend not to trust ‘em as far as we can smell ‘em. They’re too different.

But what about dogs? Dogs are interesting. It isn’t “Man vs. Beast” like being near, say, a pesky cockroach or a wild elephant. It’s “Man and Man’s Best Friend”. In fact, the only time we don’t really welcome dogs is when they’re chasing us. That’s when it becomes Man VERSUS Man’s Best Friend. And that’s when things get weird.

It’s hard being chased by something and no matter how big or small, but being chased by your best friend; well, we need a special set of generally accepted rules of engagement. And that’s why I’m here in your inbox. Let’s cut to the...

If you’re ever being chased by a dog, what should you do? I have some ideas.

?? You can call Animal Control. I mean that’s is why they exist. It IS a dog, and a dog IS an animal. But also, it’s JUST a dog, and there are probably better ways to use our tax money. Let’s save this call for that wild elephant I was talking about earlier. If you’re ever being chased by a wild elephant, call animal control. If you’re ever being chased by a dog, don’t call animal control. But you CAN...

?? Look for its owner. How about that? Seems like a logical solution. But then again, maybe it isn’t. Look, I’m gonna tell you like one of my middle school teacher friends told me: “It starts in the household!”. Translation: The parents be just as bad as the kids sometimes. Which brings us to our next solution.

?? You could try and fight it! But if you’re going to do that, it’s gotta be tooth and nail (no half steppin’). You gotta be Leo in The Revenant with it, no turning back. With the right mentality, if it’s either you or the dog, you could probably take it down. Probably. However, if that’s a little too tough to stomach...

?? You could growl right back at it? Because sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire. I know that may seem silly, but go ahead—lose the ego, get on its level, and speak its language. Bonus points if you have messed up teeth. Sorry, not sorry.

Pro Tip: Be sure you practice that growl in the mirror first; you don’t wanna look silly.

?? On a similar note, you could bite it. Because when they go low, we go LOWER! Actually, let me stop. Y’all know that’s a bad idea, right. But sometimes when you’re being chased, you act out of character and do stupid stuff, so I apologize. Let me say it plainly: do not bite a dog. What’s next?

?? Pull a snack out of your pocket, and throw it in a different direction! Because you know and I know that you didn’t finish ALL SIX of those peanut butter crackers earlier. Share the wealth! You can always get more snacks, but you can’t get a new ass. Stop it, I know what you’re thinking; stay focused!

Crackers or not, whatever you have just give ‘em that. And if you don’t have any snacks…

?? Scream. You could always scream. You don’t wanna die having not at least screamed at some point. That’d be silly. If you can scream at a pesky cockroach, you can scream at a dog.

How’s that? All these things are fine and well, but here’s my actual suggestion:

IF YOU’RE EVER BEING CHASED BY A DOG, TURN AROUND AND WHISTLE AT IT.

Why? Because the things we run from always find a way chase us.

Why? Because putting off to tomorrow what you should do today is always bad practice.

Why? Because the silence is always louder than the riot.

Why? Because it’s better to run TOWARD something than AWAY from something.

Why? Because when something is showing its teeth, sometimes we think it’s a growl when it’s really just a smile.

For Lack of a Wetter Bird, if you’re ever being chased by a dog, turn around and whistle at it.

Enjoy Troy's short stories, cultural insights, and other random musings? You'd LOVE his books! GRAB YOURS TODAY.