You're not broken. You're having a normal response to a broken way of life.

"Hey Nikola, what happened in 2023?" For those who don’t know me well, I took a month off from my AVP role at Multiverse in February 2023—just one month before the end of what was set to be our biggest year yet.

If you do know me well, you know that this is something I would've always seen myself doing "over my dead body". Oh, the irony of that phrase.

So, what happened? I totally lost myself. Nikola. I felt nothing, yet everyday I put on this mask and turned up as "the persona" that I had been building for the past decade. I was so disillusioned with life, my body would barely let me leave the flat anymore. My jaw froze to an extent I couldn't open my mouth. I was prescribed antidepressants, and when things didn't improve, I was told to double the dose. I lost my love for life.

After months of trying to fight my way back to what I thought was the life I wanted, by July 2023, I finally found the courage to fully step away from work and leave London.

I left because I finally admitted to myself that I had to figure out what had gone wrong and how I could "fix" it.

I want to share what went wrong for me, because I see so many of us struggling.

Why do I say that so many of us are struggling? It's obvious something is off when:

• We’re more anxious and depressed than ever, despite having more research and medication than at any point in history.
• We consume alcohol daily just to relax and escape our minds.
• We’d rather take an electric shock than sit alone with our thoughts for five minutes.
• We feel lonely in a world that’s supposed to be hyper-connected.
• We panic when we forget our phones or headphones.

You get the idea.

Have you ever lost yourself a little, too?

If you're hyper ambitious you likely struggle with not being "all in". Whether this is a career or high performance sport - our whole life starts revolving around this one thing.

We talk a lot about how impressive obsessive passion is, but do you know what we don’t talk about? That it can strip you of everything else in life.?

If on top of that you love exposing yourself to experiences you don't feel ready for, you might quickly start to experience imposter syndrome. Loved the good old fake it 'til you make it. However, over the years I became fully immersed in the that "fake it 'til you make it" persona and lost complete sight of my genuine, unique self.

In hindsight I know that a lot of my anxiety or exhaustion didn’t come from a too high workload. Don't get me wrong, the hours were heavy. But the heaviest weight came from the mental strain of not living in alignment with who I am. I was too scared that just being myself wouldn't be enough. It was exhausting to constantly second-guess myself, instead of just taking action. It felt like I was a full time Sales Leader and full time actress starring in "Fake it ‘til you make it" at the same time.

The identity crisis - who are you really?

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest achievement. Don't wait for people to come and find you, take your true self out of the hiding and see how your world changes"

Realising that I had been living on autopilot for the last 10 years, completely losing my identity to a "productivity and results above all" mindset, marked the beginning of my darkest phase.

Have you ever been so deeply passionate about something that losing it feels like losing yourself entirely? It’s a terrifying feeling.

The world becomes a scary place when your body gives up on you and forces you to confront these questions: How did I get here? Who am I without this identity? Will people still accept me if I’m no longer this version of myself? Can I ever find true happiness again?

I know this may sound extreme, but if you've ever lost your sense of self, you’ll understand what I mean.

I felt exhausted, empty, lost and eventually numb (AKA "Depressed")

As said, I made my life unnecessarily hard. I exhausted myself by overthinking everything and doubting myself. Have you ever asked yourself how much lighter your job would feel if you just had full confidence in how you do things? My fellow perfectionists will understand.

But what I’ve learned over the past year is that the real questions we need to ask ourselves are deeper: Why are you insecure? Why do you fear not being good enough? Why are you so obsessed with your career? What are you running from by immersing yourself completely in something? What are you trying to prove, and to whom?

I challenge you to dig deeper, too. The next time you’re waiting for someone, don’t reach for your phone—sit with your thoughts. We barely ever stop to question why we are the way we are, or why we are living the way we're living. Why on earth would we not want to check in with ourselves more often to ensure we're actually on our right path? If you're a fan of Diary of a CEO, you’ve probably heard Steven Bartlett ask, "Are you being driven or being dragged?"

Personally, I avoided these questions for far too long—29 years, to be exact. I was being dragged by insecurities, superficial values, and external expectations until my body forced me to stop. We can get caught in the cycle of simply operating—day in, day out. This cycle can continue until we die, OR, if we’re lucky, until something stops us—whether it's our health, a "mid-life crisis", or a wake-up call.

I strongly believe that besides trauma, lack of connection to your true self and genuine purpose is a key reason for depression. Life feels meaningless when you feel like a shell of a human. I also think that unless you're deeply connected to yourself, you'll always struggle to deeply connect with others. Another fundamental human need.

So what's the lesson?

Take a moment to reflect. Spend time getting to know yourself. I know so many of us are desperate to hit the ground running, but if we run so fast that we never find an opportunity to check in with ourselves along the way, we risk ending in a place we don't belong. When we're still figuring ourselves out, it’s easy to chase what others deem purposeful and mistake it for our own path.

There's so much within us, but we need to break free from autopilot. We have to stop using every moment to distract or numb ourselves and instead learn to listen and care for our true selves. Only when we do this, we uncover a calm, authentic confidence from within.

This has become a big focus area for me over the last year, because believe me - I can't wait to throw everything at life again. But this time I'll be wiser.

To avoid writing a 10,000 word essay and getting carried away with building more visuals I won't go into what exactly the last 18 months of "recovery" and finding myself looked like.

But I deeply believe that the places where you have your biggest challenges you have the most to give and I'm currently figuring out what that will look like for me.

Lastly - after disappearing off the world's edge for quite a while - I want to say THANK YOU to the incredible people at Multiverse who supported me through this phase. Thank you to the few who knew what was going on and just tried to support, and to the ones who despite not fully understanding what was happening, jumped at the opportunity to keep everything up and running. You know who you are and I am forever grateful to you.

With love,

Nikola