You're absolutely right, just because your child is 'fine' at school does not mean they're fine.

Imagine your child is particularly tall. Not just tall for their age but tall even for an adult. Really tall.

There’s nothing wrong with being that tall, their height is just different to other kids. But it does mean they experience the world differently. They have a different vantage point to most people, a different perspective. Your child can see things that are higher up which the other kids, and some adults, miss. Equally they don’t see things which are lower down. They don’t notice them or, because they’re so far away, they’re less clear and they have to take a moment to work out what they’re looking at all the way down there.

Being super tall wouldn’t be a problem except somewhere along the way someone decided that there was an optimum height. And that the way people of that height saw the world was better. So your child is constantly hearing that what they can see, and their perspective, is wrong. That they’re noticing the wrong things. That they should be able to see what others see. So they spend all day squatting down, trying to peer at the world in the same way the other kids do.

But if you’re constantly squatting down how are you meant to run around? How are you meant to join in? It leaches the fun out of everything. It’s hard and it’s tiring.

Then there’s the furniture. They might be twice the height but they still have to cram their knees under the same tables as the other children, perch on the edge of the same chairs, hunch down to walk through the same doorways. They still have to use the same tiny toilets and bend over to use the same miniature sinks.

They bump into things, they knock their head on the doorframe because they duck a moment too late, they knock things over trying to squeeze through spaces their peers can navigate without issue. They’re so high up they mis-hear what people say and give the answer to a totally different question.

But they’re a good kid, they know what’s expected and they want to fit in so they get on with it.

And sometimes it’s not so bad, when it’s playtime they can run around, they can stretch, they can stand up straight. And maybe they meet a teacher or another child who understands what it’s like to be exceptionally tall.

They meet someone who lets them use the grown-ups’ bathroom, who finds them a bigger chair and table, who lets them stand up and stretch when they need to, who repeats the question to check they’ve understood. They make a friend who reaches up to share a toy so they don’t have to keep bending down. A friend who asks what they can see from up there then pulls over a chair to join in. They meet someone who understands that whilst being tall means their experience is different it’s no less valid.

Because the thing is, trying to be shorter all day every day is, at best, uncomfortable and sometimes just plain painful. And what makes it worse is being repeatedly told that there’s something wrong with being tall, that being shorter is better and that they need to work out how to shrink themselves to fit.

Your child is constantly hunched and slouching and squeezed into spaces which just don’t fit them. So when you collect them from school they’re over it and they’re fit to burst. They’ve held it together in school, they’ve played the game, they may even have been so convincingly short that their teacher genuinely believes they’re the same height as the other kids.

But now they’re tired and it doesn’t feel fair and they’re sick of feeling they should be shorter. They need to stretch, to stand tall. And out it all pours. No, you didn’t do anything wrong. It wasn’t something you said. With you they just know that no-one’s judging or trying to fix their tallness. With you their height is just part of who they are and they know that you think who they are is really rather fabulous.

At home rather than investing time and energy in ways to teach them to be shorter you’re investing time and energy in understanding what it’s like to see the world as they do. In finding out how you can help them navigate the world from their different vantage point without needing to shrink themselves. You’re their safe space.

And that’s not always easy but the world needs more people who know that how you experience the world when you’re tall isn’t wrong it’s just different and more than anything else your child needs you to be one of those people.

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I support parents & carers of children with additional needs to understand their child’s needs in order to support & navigate the SEND system calmly, confidently & effectively without burning out.

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Email: [email protected]

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