Your VOICE and Your PERSONALITY

I’m coaching a person at the moment who has some issues with shyness. He came to me exactly because he lacks confidence in communication and doesn’t know how to express himself. And gets nervous when he has to.

He speaks very quietly and is consistently hesitant, starting every sentence with ‘ mm … um .. okay so … um I’ll just … mmm’ before he tackles the answer to a question or gives his opinion.

Three things immediately present themselves, namely:

1.      If quietness is his normal characteristic as a person, why should he suddenly become loud?

2.      Is shyness an acceptable personality trait – ie why should he change?

3.      Where does this lack of confidence come from?

If you have a not-very-outgoing personality, there is no reason for you to suddenly become the opposite of that. In fact, it’s very unlikely that you will. There is nothing wrong with being quiet or shy at all.

However, if no-one can hear what you are saying and eventually gives up seeking your opinion because it is just too difficult to do so, it is a problem.

And it is your problem! Particularly in the work situation where you might be expected to present an idea, speak to clients or simply be a sociable human being.

You might feel that it is unfair that the guy with the big voice gets the promotion and not you. It’s not so much unfair as purely expedient. The guy with the big voice makes friends easily, engages in conversation with confidence and makes the client feel at ease. That is an advantage to the company he works for.

(Of course, he also needs to know his stuff otherwise he just has the ‘gift of the gab’, as it is called. Nothing wrong with the gift of the gab – it’s a gift!! But if it comes with an insincerity or a know-it-all attitude, it will put people off immediately.)

So, my client doesn’t need to change his personality and become somebody he’s not. But he will definitely have to make some changes to overcome his problem. The 2 basic keys to all self-development, quite obviously, are (1) awareness of the problem and (2) the commitment to do something about the problem.

Otherwise why did you come to see the coach?!

Looking at question 3 above, one of the answers in this young man’s case is language. He is Zulu-speaking and works in a financial office where English is the accepted language – for everyone, regardless of their mother tongue.

He feels very unsure in English and generally afraid he will use it incorrectly.

In this young man’s case, not to make too much of a diagnosis of things, he needs to do the following:

1.      Speak a little louder – this is patently obvious but not so easy to do. If he is currently speaking at Volume 3 or 4, he needs to focus on gradually taking it up to Volume 5 or 6, each and every time he opens his mouth. He might never be a loud speaker but he needs to be a heard speaker.

2.      In spite of shyness, he needs to find a way to connect with people – I suggest you have a list of 10 questions that you can ask when you are stuck with someone and don’t know what to say: eg. Are you enjoying your work here? What family do you have? What part of Cape Town do you come from? And, when desperate, there is always the weather to fall back on.

3.      Improve his language skills. If you have to speak a certain language every day and all day, you need to get good at it, whatever language it might be. But you do not have to be perfect. I worked with Italians at one stage of my work life and it always fascinated me that they spoke English (quite often really bad English) with such confidence! It was the effort they made to communicate that impressed me and this made me, in turn, work hard at understanding them and connecting with them. In fact, they became much stronger friends than some of the English-speaking colleagues. 

He must accept that the ‘invisible’ people will always remain invisible until they can put themselves forward in some small way. Like all behaviour change or personal growth, this is all about ‘small ways’ – one bite at a time, one day at a time.

Daily, he needs to focus on taking the volume up ONE notch. Daily, he needs to simply start talking without doing the hesitation thing – zip the mouth, find the words, open mouth and speak them. Daily, he needs to read English (often aloud) – newspapers, online articles, books, magazines – and speak the language wherever he can. Even if just to himself!