Is Your Team Too Polite?

I was speaking to a client recently who mentioned that they think their boss avoids conflict. So, my client has decided to go along to get along and that it isn’t worth the energy to challenge their boss in most situations. It doesn’t mean my client won’t share their point of view. However, the discussion often doesn’t expand into a healthy conflict or debate. My client believes it is more important to maintain harmony in the relationship.

How often do you find yourself thinking the same way?

As I was pondering this discussion, I came across the podcast, “At The Table” with Patrick Lenconi, author of “Five Dysfunctions of a Team,” and the topic of the podcast on September 25, 2024, was “Conflict Scarcity”. Here is some of what was discussed.

Lenconi suggested that many teams work in “artificial harmony” with each other. Similar to my client, team members might voice their opinion on a topic but will often back down if challenged. This might be because they don’t want to challenge their boss or a senior leader which could reflect poorly on them and influence their boss’ view of them.

Some team members may not want to challenge other colleagues because they don’t want to “damage” the relationship. They don’t want to be seen as mean, argumentative, or aggressive.

Of course, we all know people who aren’t afraid to challenge an idea or the status quo. However, are they good at navigating a conflict successfully or does it leave the relationship damaged and trust compromised?

Lenconi, and his colleagues on the broadcast, Beau, and Cody, drill down on why people avoid conflict. One of the foundational pillars of a successful team is trust. They reference the concept of a trust account which was first introduced by Stephan Covey, in “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.”

Think of a Trust account like a bank account where you build up savings by making deposits. Sometimes we want to use those deposits of trust to have a difficult discussion with someone. Lenconi suggested that teams build up trust but then they don’t want to spend it. And yet, he suggests that “The whole point of building trust is so that you can have conflict.”

Why is conflict so important? Conflict involves different opinions, points of view or perspectives. Engaging in healthy conflict brings more ideas into the discussion, challenges the status quo, and focuses on finding a common way forward incorporating a broader spectrum of possibilities. Despite our reluctance to engage in conflict it can strengthen relationships, encourage collaboration, and spark innovation.

Lenconi and colleagues suggest that “Without conflict we cannot make good decisions.”

However, they did acknowledge that conflict is not comfortable, and therefore teams often avoid it. They suggested that if you can experience “coming out the other side of a conflict,” you will understand the value of healthy conflict and you will be glad you had the courage to tackle it.

Two other factors mentioned which contribute to a scarcity of conflict are:

1.???? We don’t make the space for it.

2.???? Remote work and virtual meetings make it harder to have healthy conflict.

Think about the typical business meetings these days. There are packed agendas with too much to talk about and not enough time. Team members will often avoid sharing an alternate point of view or challenge an idea because they don’t want to slow down or derail the meeting.

It takes time and attention to work through disagreements. Whereas in the past we would have stopped by a colleague’s desk to have a discussion, I find that clients are less likely to ask for a virtual meeting to have that same discussion.

I would also suggest another factor: Having the skills to participate in a healthy conflict. However, that is a discussion for another time.

My challenge to you is to find ways to have healthy conflict and observe the results. If you are struggling with a situation where you would like to have a healthy conflict discussion and don’t know how, please reach out and let’s see if I can help.