Why Knowing Your Survival Instincts Can Help You Resolve Conflicts Faster

Bring to mind a specific time when you had a disagreement with a colleague. The one that riled you up and had you seething internally. It triggered some emotions, didn’t it? Trust was eroded and it did not feel good…And if you haven’t resolved it yet, skillfully I might add, then the collateral damage is everlasting cracks in the foundation of your work relationship.

Don’t wait until the house crumbles.

Often, the root of unhealthy conflict is the fear of change. We are unconsciously protecting against the loss of something important to us; our pride, our reputation, our sense of self-worth, the approval of others and more, so we dig our heels in and fight for it!

In today’s article, we give you a mechanism to address conflict through acknowledging this primal instinct (fear of change,) and intentionally responding in a way that goes beyond our win-lose default or the need for concession and compromise.

Does Win-Win go far enough?

Years ago, Steven R Covey in his book, “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” introduced us to the Win-Win paradigm. It’s a timeless approach whose premise we are attempting to extend. What if you took Win-Win one step further? By introducing one more Win into conflict situations you lower resistance, diffuse conflict faster and more easily overcome the not so uncommon struggle of trying to get to a Win-Win resolution.

Sarah & Brian...

Sarah and Brian have hit a standstill on an ongoing project. They both just want to get to the other end successfully. Brian has created a project plan that makes Sarah feel stifled and consequently stops contributing. Brian thinks Sarah is sabotaging him. The project is going nowhere.

If you believe it, it’s true

The first step in the Win-Win-Win approach to conflict management is to recognize that all perspectives are true.

Both Sarah & Brian are right because this is real in their own experience. That’s right. Brian’s approach is too constricting and Sarah’s apathy is hurting the project’s success. So, how can they go beyond their individual truths into resolution? And how can they do that without losing their sense of significance?

Losing sucks

They can get to resolution through avoiding the all-too-painful blow of a loss. A Win-Win-Win approach to conflict resolution acknowledges and works with the ‘old brain’s’ survival instinct, which is to fend off attack and win. By introducing a new beneficiary (third Win,) you can create a new paradigm that allows you to collaborate in the development of a different path.

To resolve their conflict, Brian and Sarah decide to introduce a new beneficiary into the equation; Alexia, their manager. They agree that a Win from Alexia’s lens would be to beat project timelines by 5 days. Together they define what tasks need to be completed and by when, in order to achieve their new goal.

Now, they are bought in to their idea and they feel inspired to work on their new goal together.

When Brian and Sarah moved their focus beyond themselves, they created a new paradigm which made it easier for them to get to a resolution where everyone won. The project was completed ahead of schedule (Win for Alexia, Brian, Sarah,) Brian got the project plan he needed to ensure ongoing execution (Win) and Sarah didn’t feel stifled because her opinion and ideas mattered (Win.)

It takes two to tango.

Let’s bring back that conflict with your colleague. Do you think you contributed to it? If you answered no, check out the previous article, “3 Reasons Why We Find Ourselves In the Middle of Workplace Conflicts.” (link in comments) It’s about how we all unconsciously contribute to the cycle of conflict. When you fail to acknowledge your role in conflict, you handicap your ability to diffuse it and prevent it from happening again.

Primal instincts not welcome here.

In summary, the root of conflict is resistance to change. A Win-Win-Win approach to conflict management allows you to notice the other parties’ resistance and intentionally respond to it without resorting to your primal win-lose instinct or through compromise or concession.

Bring up that unresolved workplace conflict. How can you tell if that disagreement needs an intentional approach to resolution? And exactly how do you execute Win-Win-Win, point by point? Tune in to the next article. We’ll close the topic of managing conflict in the workplace by giving you a handy one-page guide that will have you skillfully dissolving your workplace conflicts in order to WIN.

What do you think about the Win-Win-Win approach to conflict resolution?