The 3 experiences that shaped me in 2020

Our family had our fair share of highs as well as trials and tribulations last year, and in between there was a lot of growth and learning. As I turn the page on 2020 I wanted to share three experiences that stand out most and some of my key takeaways that might be useful to you too.  

#1 Leading compassionately

We started the year on a high. On the 4th of January my husband and I found out that we were pregnant. Beyond the obvious excitement of being pregnant, we had just come home from a Tony Robbins Date with Destiny seminar in Palm Beach, Florida, and one of my personal goals for 2020 coming out of the event, was to grow our family. My goals were off to a great start!

What ensued though was one of the most challenging physical experiences of my life. Every day, for 6 months, I battled hyperemesis gravidarum, fighting severe and debilitating nausea and vomiting all day, everyday. I couldn't eat or sleep, was dizzy and faint, and suffered headaches and pain throughout the day. I was hospitalised a number of times and by the time I was 7 months pregnant, had lost a total of 7kgs, bringing my weight down to 43kgs. On my best day I'd be sick in the morning and could manage a slice of dry toast. On my worst, I had been sick 11 times by midday and had passed out on the bathroom floor. I was even too weak to carry my then 2 year old and had fallen down the stairs at home after a dizzy spell. 

I'd travel to work with sick bags in the cubby, and with a toothbrush and toothpaste in my bag. I didn't want to cancel any work meetings or push anything out as I had not told anyone what I was going through.

It felt touch and go for a while, but thankfully I carried full term. On 17 August, whilst covered in sanitiser and protective gear, our beautiful baby boy Hrishi (pronounced Rishi) was born. I was ecstatic, but honestly, emotionally and physically broken from the marathon I had just run. I was thrilled to hold my son, and so grateful that the pregnancy was behind us. 

For some reason I carried guilt and was fearful of telling my manager and anyone at work about my pregnancy when I started to battle hyperemesis.

"What if they think I'm not able to do my job?",

"What if they think I'm wasting company time?",

"Will they still value me?",

"Will I still be able to manage all of my responsibilities, and what if I can't ?"

"Will my efforts be disregarded because I'm pregnant"

"Will I still be valued even though I will be out on maternity leave?"

These were the thoughts that would run through my head. Eventually, after a number of the hospital admissions, and before the 12 week safety mark, I decided to confide in my manager and regional director. Their response immediately put me at ease. I can still hear my manager saying, "Pregnancy is not a disease, it does not make you less capable". He made me prioritise my health, telling me to work from home when needed (well before Covid) and my regional director was equally supportive, encouraging me to take care of my health and family first. With their encouragement and support, I told my team soon after who all jumped in and lent a hand wherever they could. 

What I've realised about this entire experience is that because I felt guilty, I didn't want to share what I was going through with anyone, and more importantly, didn't feel I had the right to ask for help. In reality while the guilt was completely and utterly irrational, it existed nonetheless. And I have no doubt it does for millions of other mothers to be. The question is why? Why is it that despite thousands of years of the most natural phenomena of giving birth, do women still feel insecure when it comes to pregnancy and motherhood in the workplace. How many women dread telling their employers that they are pregnant for fear of being sidelined, undermined and undervalued. Also, it's shed light on how it must feel for so many that struggle with physical and/or mental illness, and suffer alone and in silence for fear of being harshly and unfairly judged and prejudiced at work. 

That is a daunting question, and so I quickly moved onto, what can I do to make this better. And so here's the first lesson I learned in 2020.

As leaders, we have an obligation to our teams to create an environment where we feel safe and supported. This foundation of safety leads to trust. Trust to share what we're going through and trust that we will be taken care of. To do this, we have to start with empathy. To lead with our hearts. To understand and truly embrace our teams not as economic tools, but instead members of our community on this journey we call life. 

Side note: I was promoted in November whilst on maternity leave, further proof that I am valued by my organisation and that my fears around my pregnancy and hyperemisis were unfounded.

#2 Finding gratitude

I come from an incredibly close family. I grew up in Klerksdorp where life was not without its challenges. My parents worked hard to put my sister and I through school and university, and the hardship brought us closer together. 

My Mum is someone who I look up to greatly. In a completely effortless way she strikes the delicate balance between being an incredibly strong and tough woman (the kind that would break you out of a Thai prison) and being a loving, nurturing, kind and doting mother. 

In October this year, just 2 weeks before her 60th birthday, we received the hardest news. Mum fell ill. There were dark clouds in the sky when I received the news and whilst driving in the heavy rain I struggled to make sense of it all. Mum was seemingly healthy, in great shape, and happy the one day, the next she was ill.

Mum received great medical treatment and thankfully within a few months she was operated on and at home healing. Besides losing my Ba (my paternal grandmother), I had not felt that much sadness, confusion, emptiness and anxiety before. It made me realise how quickly life can change. 

Of all the experiences in 2020, this one hit me the hardest. It made me connect with the reality of how lucky we are to be alive, and how uncontrollable life is in this regard. One thing we can control is our gratitude for life and for those around us. This gratitude manifests in how much of the magic in our lives we recognise and pay attention to, how openly we love and how present we are. The thing about gratitude is it is like a muscle. You start out being grateful for the small things, which help you to recognise and be grateful for the bigger things. It's this muscle that also helps you to be grateful for all the things that don't necessarily appear to be acting in your favour, like Mum getting ill.  

When I look back on what was a really traumatic couple of months for us all, I realise that the gift in this experience is that Mum has dramatically changed her approach to life and how she spends her time. She's realised the importance of slowing things down, learning to say no and put herself first, taking a break when her body tells her so, and the importance of resting instead of just running at 100mph all the time.

This has also forced me to take stock and prioritise what's most important in my life like health and family. I've started with small things like being more disciplined about taking my vitamins and drinking enough water, cutting out sugar, prioritising training and regular exercise, meditating and getting enough sleep. I've also incorporated the Tim Ferris 5MJ (5 Minute Journal) and Loving Kindness Practice in my daily routine and I've diarised family responsibilities in my work calendar which is visible to all. 

#3 Embracing change

Covid has been as disruptive for our family as it has been for everyone else's. Dinesh and I went from working in comfortable offices and being able to more readily focus on work or being parents and a couple, to turning our living area, bedroom and kid's rooms into revolving office space. We'd take shifts "booking" rooms, depending on the importance of our meetings; living area for low priority meetings i.e. where the audience wouldn't mind the sound of Old MacDonald playing on repeat (as we tried to keep Rai Mila entertained), and our bedroom for high priority meetings (game changer being the door lock to try and avoid any BBC Dad type of situations - though as hard as we tried there were still many of these moments and eventually we just embraced them). 

It was also tough being pregnant during a pandemic. Dinesh wasn't able to accompany me to my regular appointments, and our family went into complete isolation seeing no-one due to the risk posed to the pregnancy. With two full time jobs, homeschooling was super interesting and somewhere in between all the daily craziness was meal prep which was 10Xed because everyone was hungry, all of the time.  

If there is a single thing that I've learned through the upheaval of the past 10 months, it's the ability to respond quickly and embrace change. It's so easy to get used to doing something a certain way, and getting bent out of shape when you can't. But in reality, things change and we must adapt quickly. We must come back to first principles of what's true and what we are trying to achieve, and if circumstances require we find a new path, then so be it. 

In our case, all the structure, routine and plans, that I thrive on, went out the window, and for anyone raising kids, you know just how important structure is for a child. The lesson for me has been to not be attached to anything, and certainly not old, familiar ways of doing things. To be adaptable and to teach Rai Mila to do the same.

Rai Mila is back at school this week and I'm back at work on Monday after 5 months of maternity leave. The blessing is that I'll be working from home so I get to nurse Hrishi and see Rai Mila after school.

I'm facing the new year with an open heart and mind, grateful for the gift of life and all my blessings, and ready to embrace what will no doubt be a year of many changes. 

A blessed 2021 to you all. 

Some resources:

Meditation resources: 

• The Art of Living - life changing
• Insight Timer App
• Loving Kindness Meditation 

Reading:

• Tim Ferriss Tools of Titans. An incredible read highlighting the tips and behaviours of some of the most successful people in the world. 5MJ Practice (5 Minute Journal) from his book