Your SOC is Broken (And Here’s Why Your Analysts Are Googling for ‘Jobs That Don’t Suck’)

#InfoSec #SOC #SecurityOperations #AlertFatigue #InfoSecBurnout #SOCFail #ManagementFail

As Always: 
Views expressed are my own, intentionally provocative for shock value and emphasis, and ABSOLUTELY do not represent those of my employers, past or present, or any potentially affiliated organizations. Heck, they may not even represent my own views on any given day.  This is edu-satire. Reader discretion is advised.         

An Ode to the Security Operations Center.... That special place where caffeine addiction meets alert fatigue, and where your analysts' will to live goes to die. Let's talk about the elephant in the room: your SOC is probably broken, your analysts are burning out, and throwing more Red Bull at the problem has stopped helping.

The SOC Life: A Horror Story in Three Shifts

1. First Shift: The Morning Crew

Walking into 69,420 alerts from overnight, most of which are due to Dave from Accounting's repeated failed login attempts because he can't remember which password goes with which day of the week.

2. Second Shift: The Afternoon Warriors

Still dealing with this morning's alerts while new ones pile up faster than romance scams in your LinkedIn inbox.

3. Third Shift: The Night Watch

Three people trying to monitor a global infrastructure while fighting sleep and wondering if that anomaly is a nation-state attack or just the cleaning crew plugging in the vacuum on the same circuit as the border sensor suite again...

Why Your SOC is Failing (It's Not Just the [lack of] Quality Coffee)

1. Alert Overflow: Drowning in Data

- Your SIEM is screaming about everything

- Your EDR thinks everything is suspicious

- Your threat intel feed thinks everyone is a North Korean hacker (Especially Dave from Accounting. Again. Damn it Dave! It's Monday. MOOONNNNDAAAAYYYY. [SMH])

- Your analysts have stopped caring about any of it

2. The "Follow the Playbook" Paradox

Today's Playbook:

- Step 1: Check alert

- Step 2: Follow 42-step procedure

- Step 3: Realize it's a false positive

- Step 4: Question life choices

3. Tool Sprawl: Because More Tools = More Security (Right?)

- 18 different security tools

- 26 different dashboards

- 5 different login credentials (each)

- 4 different undocumented MFA procedures

- 0 actual integration

The Human Cost: Beyond the Burnout

1. The Three Stages of SOC Analyst Evolution:

- Junior Analyst: "Every alert could be a breach!"

- Mid-level Analyst: "Most alerts are noise, but we should check them all."

- Senior Analyst: "Everything is fine until proven otherwise. Twice. Tomorrow."

2. The Great SOC Exodus

Why your analysts are updating their resumes:

- 12-hour shifts that become 14-hour shifts

- On-call schedules from hell

- "Urgent" alerts that are neither urgent nor alerts

- Pay that suggests infosec is a hobby, not a career

Building a SOC That Won't Break Your People

1. Alert Sanity: Quality Over Quantity

- If everything is critical, nothing is critical

- Tune your tools or throw them out

- False positives should hurt vendors, not analysts

2. Automation That Actually Helps

- Automate the boring stuff

- But don't try to automate the thinking

- Give your analysts tools to make decisions, not replace them

3. Realistic Staffing (Revolutionary Concept, I Know)

- 24/7 coverage needs more than 5 people

- On-call shouldn't mean "always call"

- Budget for humans like you budget for tools

4. Training That Matters

- Not another CBT module

- Real-world scenarios

- Time allocated for skill development

- Budget for actual certifications

5. Work-Life Balance (Yes, It Should Exist)

- Shifts that end when they're supposed to

- On-call rotation that doesn't destroy families

- Vacation time that can actually be used

- Mental health support that isn't just a [de]motivational poster

Actually Fixing Your SOC

1. Rethink Alert Priority

- Not everything is CRITICAL!!!!!!

-MOST things aren't CRITICAL!!!!! (I miss blink tags. Anyone else miss blink tags? Reverse type? Just me? Too soon?)

- Build context into alerting

- Trust your analysts to think

2. Tool Integration or Elimination

- If it doesn't talk to your other tools, it's just adding busywork

- Consolidate or die trying

- Quality over quantity

3. Career Development

- Pay people what they're worth to the business

- Pay people what they're worth to the business (Now with TWICE as much emphasis!)

- Create advancement paths

- Support skill development

- Accept that some turnover is healthy

4. Process Improvement

- Playbooks should help, not hinder

- Regular review and updates

- Feedback loops that actually loop

Remember: A burned-out SOC team isn't protecting anything except their Indeed.com search history.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go acknowledge 149 alerts about a printer that's apparently trying to mine crypto... Or maybe it's just low on cyan. At this point, who can tell the difference? [I'm looking at YOU, HP! At least if it were just mining crypto, it could offset my toner budget...hmmm....]

P.S. To all my SOC analysts out there: Yes, you may use this article as evidence when asking for a raise. You're welcome.