YOUR SETBACKS ARE TEMPORARY

I have been living in Santa Fe for the past month. It’s a beautiful city and there is so much to see and do. Plus, despite whatever summer heat may be occurring overall in the Southwest, Santa Fe drops into the cool 60s every night (I may never come back to Boston!).

But getting here was not easy. I had an 8 pm connecting flight out of JFK and was due to land in Albuquerque at midnight where my friend Andrea was going to pick me up.

The flight kept getting delayed (thunderstorms) and oh, did I mention I had my dog Shiva with me? She doesn’t like flying to begin with — I’m her emotional support animal — and timing her next trip to the bathroom is next to impossible when traveling.

Fortunately, we did finally arrive (2:30 am). But the trip was not without its stressors.

Everything Is Harder

Whether traveling, working, or just managing the day-to-day, for most of us, life has gotten more stressful post-pandemic. Groceries are more expensive, the traffic has gotten worse, and for those in the nonprofit world, funding has become harder.

As nonprofit leaders, the challenges and emotional toll can sometimes be overwhelming. Many of my clients have confided they feel as if they are living out the old trope: It’s lonely at the top.

But they are not. It may feel that way… but it’s only a perception.

Often, leaders wrongly assume they are all alone and are not supposed to talk about what they are experiencing. But if you say to your board or to your colleagues, “I am having a hard time,” you are demonstrating vulnerability — that is being a leader.

Take Active Steps

Thankfully, there are several steps you can take throughout your day in pursuit of greater calm. I rely on many (sometimes all) of these insights and actions as the situation demands:

#1. You are not your thoughts.

It’s easy to get lost in a whirlwind of negative thinking — our ego is always telling us stories. When we start to feel that whirling dervish of thought and emotion, we need to reframe what’s going on and separate our thoughts from the truth.

Recently, one of my clients was notified by her board of an unexpected Executive Committee meeting. She said to me, “Oh my god, is my board going to fire me?” I said, “Where is the truth in that?” (There was none.)

The surest way to take power from a negative emotion is to name it: “Oh, I’m feeling anxious about this upcoming meeting.” That immediately lessens its impact and gives you the mental space to step back and rebalance.

#2. Put your catastrophic thoughts on trial.

Some of my thoughts while traveling were, “What if the flight never takes off and I have to spend the night at JFK with my dog? What if we arrive too late and Andrea can’t pick me up and I’m stuck in Albuquerque? What if Shiva shits all over the terminal?”

My mind went on a mad spiral of possible catastrophes. So I invited each of these scenarios to sit down and have a cup of tea with me. Then I looked at each one for any evidence.

Along the way, I was able to separate my emotions from the facts. That gave me the clarity to call bullshit on the fantasies and scenario plan for the real-life possibilities.

Above all, you have to have confidence that you will figure things out as they evolve.

#3. Be careful about making assumptions.

A client was reading an email he received from a colleague; he was concerned about its tone. He thought the sender must believe he was inadequate as a CEO.

So I asked him to read it to me. I said, “You are making a lot of assumptions; I don’t hear any of that here.”

I see this scenario repeatedly. We simply don’t know what’s going on with other people. The sour tone, the sideways look, the snippy email… if those are even true, in most cases, they have nothing to do with us.

I often encourage clients to respond by asking a clarifying question: “Hey, it seems like you were upset in that meeting. Is there anything you want to talk with me about?”

Instead of fixating on worst-case scenarios, always consider other possible explanations.

#4. Use the STOP technique.

Rationalizing our way out of anxiety doesn’t usually work. The STOP technique gives us back our power:

S = Stop

T = Take 10 deep breaths

O = Observe your thoughts and feelings

P = Proceed with awareness

When catastrophic thoughts take over, we are no longer in the present — we are up in our heads, worrying about the future. STOP brings us back into our body and our heart. It grounds us to the now.

I did STOP several times that night at the airport. I knew I needed to calm the fuck down and it worked.

Let Go of Control and Lean into Compassion

If all these tools and techniques fail you, remember to treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding as you would a good friend. It’s okay to have a bad day and seek help, be vulnerable, and ask for support.

Being a nonprofit leader comes with a unique set of challenges, but you don’t have to face them alone. Have faith in yourself and know you can navigate these encounters with resilience and grace.

Above all, remember that everything is temporary. Whatever you are going through will pass.

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Workwonder is a supercharger for leadership empowerment and growth. Karen partners with some of the world’s most prolific nonprofit changemakers to do their best, most impactful work through bespoke strategic planning, innovative fundraising strategy, and holistic leadership coaching. Learn more, here .

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