Is your self-deprecation harming your career?

This week, I was facilitating some training for a corporate client and, in the afternoon, was joined by a member of senior leadership who was attending to close the event.

The moment I greeted her, she told me she hoped what she was about to say would be okay and subtly put herself down.

She's highly-respected within her company - I witnessed this directly through the delegates' responses to her - yet her own self-doubts were immediately evident, even to a relative outsider such as myself.

After the event, she continued to self-deprecate to me; I don't think she was even consciously doing it, and so I initiated a chat to find out more.

Because I see this a LOT in my work, especially from introverted female leaders.

It's no surprise that Imposter Syndrome, and self-doubt, is rife amongst this demographic, seeing as the archetype of success in the corporate world is usually an extroverted male.

And, as discussed in previous newsletters, it's almost certain any introverted leaders will, over the course of their career, have been told they're 'too quiet' and made to feel who they are is somehow not enough; that their personality is a weakness.

Meaning it's inevitable they'll view their accomplishments as somehow getting lucky and continuously overthink the perceptions of others.

Misconceptions surrounding introversion are rife and few people know that research evidences that introverted leaders often make the best leaders, or appreciate what true leadership really means.

Self-doubt, and therefore self-depreciation, is therefore almost inevitable.

Understanding self-deprecation can help us communicate confidence whilst staying true to our introverted selves.

What Is Self-Deprecation?

‘Self‐deprecation’ (Owens,?1994) is considered by psychology and popular culture as a form of ‘self‐talk’ that reflects a cognitive state, or personality dimension, such as low self‐esteem or negative self‐regard.

It's sometimes also referred to as ‘negative self‐evaluation’.

In other words, it's when we make jokes, or comments, that downplay our abilities, strengths, or accomplishments.

Some studies suggest it's a gendered trait that is used more by women than men.

If you've ever dismissed a compliment with 'anyone could have done it', or called yourself an idiot for making a mistake, then you've been self-depreciating.

Whilst doing this may be due to a preference for self‐criticism over potentially being criticised by others, the effects of self-depreciation can be damaging.

There's a risk that, when you put yourself down, people will believe you.

It can also impact our own wellbeing, as we're constantly reinforcing our limiting beliefs and perpetuating a negative self-concept.

If there were self-depreciation Olympics, I definitely would previously have won a few medals. And when I was doing it, I was unhappier, had less energy and zero confidence.

Why do we self-deprecate?

There are several potential reasons underlying this type of behaviour:

1. Coping Mechanism: navigating social situations can be overwhelming for introverts. Sometimes, we use self-deprecating humour to ease tension and divert attention away from ourselves. It's like our secret weapon to handle those moments!
2. Defense Mechanism: we introverts often have a knack for self-criticism. Engaging in self-deprecation can be a way to protect ourselves from potential judgment or criticism. By making jokes at our own expense, we preemptively address our perceived flaws and gain a sense of control.
3. Modesty: humility tends to be one of our values, and we're not fans of boasting or appearing arrogant. Through self-deprecating behaviour, we showcase modesty by downplaying our accomplishments and strengths. It's a way to stay grounded and try to maintain our authentic selves.
4. Seeking Reassurance: as introverts, we may sometimes doubt ourselves and our abilities. By engaging in self-deprecating behaviour, we seek reassurance and support from others (most people will disagree if we say something negative about ourselves). Positive affirmations can go a long way in boosting our self-confidence.
5. Building Connections: we also tend to value genuine connections. Engaging in self-deprecating humour allows us to connect with others on a relatable level. By sharing our insecurities and flaws, we create common ground and foster understanding among fellow introverts.

When it works

Studies suggest that self-deprecating humour can help people feel a greater affiliation with the person speaking.

If you can admit to making mistakes, or being imperfect, others will likely be more willing to let down their guard and do the same.

By making light of your own flaws, you can help others feel more at ease about opening up as well.

Self-deprecation can therefore be a form of vulnerability that can increase trust and like-ability; for leaders, it can make them appear more down-to-earth and relatable.

We can also appear more agreeable and humble.

When speaking or facilitating, I'll generally be open if I'm feeling anxious, having a rosacea flare or if I've messed up - and although when I started doing this it wasn't at all intentional, just who I authentically am, I found it did indeed bond my audience to me.

However, there's a difference between being vulnerable, humble or owning your mistakes and putting yourself down.

Are you doing it?

Most of us aren't aware of our self-deprecating behaviour. Some signs you may be habitually putting yourself down are:

1. You are uncomfortable receiving compliments or praise.
2. You worry acknowledging your accomplishments will be seen as bragging.
3. You are very concerned with how others think about you.
4. You never feel you're 'enough'.
5. You feel like you are going to be 'found out'.

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The impact of self-deprecation

If self-deprecating is your default, and you are habitually putting yourself down, then you're not only signalling a lack of self-confidence but there's a risk that others will eventually believe you, and perceive you as less capable even when your accomplishments prove otherwise.

Just as the actions that we take in response to our limiting beliefs often become self-perpetuating, when the root of this behaviour is fear and self-doubt, it can lead to doubt from others.

When it comes to introverted leaders, this can also feed the existing misconceptions surrounding introverts, as you're clearly signalling a lack of confidence to your peers and colleagues.

It can also further decimate your own self-esteem and keep you stuck, potentially also negatively impacting your mental health.

How to break the cycle

As with other types of limiting beliefs, the secret sauce to breaking free is through self-awareness: you need to know exactly when, and how, you are engaging in self-deprecation.

To develop self-awareness, try to build the habit of reflecting upon conversations you've had and identifying any self-deprecation - journalling, or speaking to a coach, may help with this. Eventually try to move to being able to identify negative self-talk in the moment.

You could also ask a trusted friend or colleague to let you know when they hear you putting yourself down. Some people have found snapping an elastic band on their wrist when they become aware of what they're saying helpful to de-programme themselves.

Once you're aware, work on challenging the underlying beliefs (Is this thought helpful? Is it true - is there evidence to support it?) and replacing them with positive beliefs (I am skilled in presenting and I have evidence to support this).

Be intentional with your language choices: just as replacing an apology with 'thank you for...' (e.g. Thank you for your patience instead of Sorry I'm late), either omitting the self-deprecating comment entirely, or simply replacing it with 'thank you', can signal confidence (even if you're not feeling it!).

Practice accepting compliments and praise by simply responding with 'thank you'.

Keeping a record of your praise and accomplishments can help you with the mindset shift.

Remember also to practice self-compassion so that you can truly begin to embrace your authentic self.

Ultimately, our thoughts condition our behaviours, which shape our reality.

Negative self-talk is therefore powerful and it's important to take action to counter it so that it cannot hold us back, perpetuate stereotypes or damage our wellbeing.

As introverts, we have so much to offer - especially as leaders - and we only have to believe the evidence, rather than the narratives our brains are feeding us, to step into being our best selves and begin to collectively overturn the workplace bias towards extroversion.

Do you agree? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments!

Please also share if you found this content helpful ??

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About Me

I help introverts develop authentic confidence, through coaching, training and digital products, so that they can thrive without having to change who they are, and companies through training, coaching and consultancy, to address the workplace bias towards extroversion.

Through developing my own authentic confidence I have been able to build a life on my terms, working part-time for full-time income, travel solo around the world, work with companies like Google and speak, with confidence, to entire auditoriums. I've already helped thousands of individuals, across 169 countries globally, to develop confidence and communication skills, as well as manage Imposter Syndrome and limiting beliefs. Helping others feel enough is my passion.

If you are an?introvert looking to feel more confident, set boundaries to help you balance your time and be able to understand, and communicate, your value to others; a leader looking to better support your introverted talent;?or?a company committed to achieving intersectional equity and inclusion,?DM me?or?visit my website, to find out more about how I can help you.

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