Your Secret Weapon to Turn Workplace Enemies into Allies

Imagine this scenario. You're at the office, and tensions are flying high over a workplace misunderstanding. Someone said the wrong thing in a meeting leading to a major blowout between staff members. Now emails are terse, meetings are awkward, and productivity is plummeting.

But work demands have not stopped.

Deadlines still loom large. Customers still must be attended to. And money still must be made—otherwise things will really fall apart fast. But how can anyone be productive when heated disagreements between team members threaten to rip apart your very office culture?

In recent years, I've come to see declining communication skills as both a societal and professional issue. This realization inspired me to write my new book, Hidden In Plain Sight: Communication Secrets You Are Just Not Seeing .

The good news is resolving this conflict might be simpler than you think. Instead of complex strategies or lengthy mediation sessions, the answer could be as straightforward as showing a little empathy.

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Defining Empathy

So let’s dive into empathy, a central part of the book. What exactly is it? Empathy is the heart of emotional intelligence , often referred to as EQ. EQ encompasses your ability to understand and respond to the emotional needs of those around you, including friends, colleagues, even loved ones. It’s about being attuned to others' feelings and reacting in a way showing genuine care and understanding.

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Techniques to Try

Sound advice comes with concrete steps, and you'll find plenty of those in my book. Here are a few to get you on your way.

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Active Listening

In their book, The Plateau Effect: Getting from Stuck to Success , Bob Sullivan and Hugh Thompson explain the scientific reason behind our difficulties listening. They note the human brain can process up to 400 words per minute, but even a fast-talking New Yorker speaks at about 125 words per minute. This gap means that while someone is talking, most of our brain is free to get distracted by other thoughts.

Active listening, on the other hand, is a critical technique for resolving workplace conflicts. It involves fully concentrating, understanding, and responding to what the other person is saying. Here’s how to practice it in a contentious office setting as described above:

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• Sustain eye contact and avoid distractions like planning your retort.
• Use verbal and non-verbal cues, such as nodding or saying, "I see" or "go on," to show you are engaged.
• Let the person finish their thoughts without interjecting. This can be hard, but it shows respect and allows for complete expression of their concerns.

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Validating Feelings

“We want to connect with other people who can help validate what we’re going through and venting really does a pretty good job at fulfilling that need,” says researcher Ethan Kross , author of Chatter. “It feels good to know there’s someone there to rely on who cares enough to take time to listen.”

Validating feelings—even upsetting ones, means acknowledging and accepting another person’s emotions. This helps them feel understood and respected. It can de-escalate conflicts, creating a more cooperative environment.

Here’s how to do it well:

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• Recognize and name the emotions the other person is expressing, for instance saying: "I can see you’re really upset about this."
• Refrain from making judgments or dismissive comments about their feelings. This can make the person feel invalidated and/or defensive.
• Show willingness to find a solution together. For example, say: "I’m here to help. Let’s see what we can do to resolve this."

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Using Non-Judgmental Language

Using non-judgmental language involves communicating in such a way it does not blame, criticize, or assume negative intentions. This approach fosters a more open and constructive dialogue. Here’s how to use non-judgmental language:

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• Stick to the facts without adding emotional or judgmental language, such as "The report was submitted late" instead of "You’re always late with your work."
• Steer clear of words like: "always" or "never." These can exaggerate the issue and escalate the conflict. Instead, say: "This happened a couple of times" or "I noticed this recently."
• Encourage two-way dialogue by asking questions requiring more than a yes or no answer, like: "Can you tell me more about what happened?" This approach invites the other person to share their perspective fully.

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Here’s a quick story on non-judgement before we finish up. Hopefully, you can relate. I once found myself stuck in the middle seat on an airplane, squeezed between an aisle passenger who had spread out and a larger seatmate who had taken over the armrest. Initially irritated and convinced this neighbor was deliberately invading my space, my frustration grew.

But then I noticed the man’s custom-tailored European suit and expensive watch, concluding that he was likely successful and intelligent, possibly from an unconventional field. Choosing empathy over annoyance, I introduced myself. By the end of the flight, I discovered he was an executive VP of a biomedical research company, originally from France, with a Ph.D.—and quite nice!

My perspective shift from irritation (or enemy to ally) required empathy. Seeking to understand him allowed me to see this man as a normal, flawed human being. It’s all about shifting your perspective and base assumptions.

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Wrapping Up

Empathy plays a crucial role in changing workplace dynamics, fostering an environment where former adversaries can become allies. An empathetic approach fosters open dialogue, making it easier for team members to share ideas and concerns without fear of judgment.

As you ponder this today, consider a quick thought exercise. Think about the way relationships in your life have likely been more dynamic than static. For example, your initial annoyance with authority figures might have morphed into appreciation in your later years. Likewise, classmates who once irritated you may have become friends after genuine conversations. Everything is subject to change—that’s life’s one constant. Ask yourself: what dynamics in your life could benefit from the power of empathy?

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While mastering communication is a continuous journey, it is certainly achievable with the right mindset and tools. If you're ready to harness the transformative power of empathy in your professional and personal interactions, I invite you to explore this further in my new book, Hidden In Plain Sight: Communication Secrets You Are Just Not Seeing . For more insights or to discuss how empathy can revolutionize your workplace, feel free to contact me .