"Your Queer Career?" ... Question from Not-So-Single-or-Str8-Sean [Vol. 01]

In this weekly newsletter, I'll answer a workplace question from LGBTQ+ (& Ally) professionals. These will also serve as the basis for my upcoming book, Your Queer Career?: Workplace Advice from The Gay Leadership Dude? which hit stores in January 2024. You can order your copy (and see some sweet bundle deals) here!

Hey Gay Leadership Dude? …?I’m a gay man married to another man. I wear a wedding ring. During a recent interview, the man who would be my boss asked me what my wife does. I froze and changed the subject. What should I have done? ~ Not-So-Single-or-Str8 Sean

Howdy Not-So-Single. Uggh, the constant “coming out” drama so many of us face. It really can wear on you sometimes, right?

Hindsight can be 20/20 (Nooo! 2020!), and while you didn’t take immediate action to share your authenticity with your potential boss, let’s learn from this situation (we’ll address the legalities of the situation a little later). But first, don't beat yourself up about it. Things happen. Spending too much time doing shoulda-coulda-woulda mental gymnastics doesn’t do you any good. Let’s focus forward.

Next, reflect on the context of the interaction and how we could address similar situations in the future when—and we all know this—an opportunity like this happens again. I know I’ve been in similar situations and sometimes it’s not going to necessarily matter to the relationship with that person or that sharing my authentic self could have put me in a potentially dangerous situation. So, educating that person in that moment isn't the right thing to do. Or, in your case, asking about your marital status during a job interview is a legal no-no, so responding with, “Thank you, but I’d prefer not to respond to that question” would have been completely in your right.

For the sake of argument, we’ll assume the context is fine and/or appropriate to educate the person you’re having that conversation with. When having a chat with someone who doesn’t know you well and they say something that indicates they’re assuming something about you (misgender your significant other, assume your gender identity, etc.), you’re being given a golden opportunity to test the waters to see how inclusive and open that chatmate could potentially be and?opinion?their mind a little bit. When these opportunities arise, there are some quick and easy things to consider to make your point be known but also be respectful of the other person:

1. Don’t Straddle De-Fence. Assume the person just made an honest mistake (and most likely was acting from their own unconscious biases). Don’t lunge into Defensive Mode but assume their intent is good, they just screwed up. (And yes: I know it’s easier said than done when it’s the 1,000thtime someone says something that assumes your identity incorrectly.)
2. K.I.S.S. Your Response. K.I.S.S. = “Keep It Simple, Silly!.” Manage your correction and move on. Something as short as, “Actually my husband, not wife” or “My preferred pronouns are they/them” makes the error known but it’s not a massive deal. Your point is made, and the cadence of the conversation continues; it’s not a stopping point just a speed bump.
3. Tone Up. Still leveraging #2 (K.I.S.S.), be sure to manage your tone. I can say (neutral tone)“What did you mean by that statement?” versus (bitchy, accusatory tone) “What did you mean by that statement?” and they send two VERY different messages. Same holds true with your correction / response. Manage your tone and don’t let your emotions get in the way of your response (even if it’s again that 1,000th?correction of the day, it’s hopefully the first between this person and you).
4. Stop-Watch-Hear. After your correction, stop, watch, and hear. Let the person’s non-verbal cues and what’s being said, how it’s said, and what’s not being said allow you to start and gather some information. Awkward silence? Maybe a clue that this person isn’t as inclusive as we’d hoped. Big smile, head nod, or even an “Oh, I’m so sorry!” can be good signals of a person who is/will be an awesome ally.
5. High Hopes, Low Expectations. Hope for the best reaction (yay!) but also be mentally prepared for some not-so-supportive ones, too (boo!). Even those little, “Oh, you’re gay. I have a lesbian friend/sister/cousin/stockbroker …” can come across as a sad attempt of support. We know there’s some close-minded?folx??out there and it can feel rather frustrating (especially depending on where you live and what your workplace is like). But also remember there’s a lot of amazing allies and support out there, too. Don’t let some unsupportive jerk cloud your day.

For the vast majority of us having these small correction sessions is part of our everyday lives as a hidden minority. (And side note: there’s a blessing to me using the The Gay Leadership Dude? title to do the “coming out” heavy lifting!). But Not-So-Single, try and look at each and every one of these moments as an opportunity to shine a light on your authenticity and remember that you have a massively awesome community who supports and loves you?– both LGBTQ+ and Straight Allies. Teaching someone a little bit about yourself will make the world an itty bit more inclusive. And hope that someday these types of corrections won’t need to happen.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Dr. Steve Yacovelli (a.k.a. “The Gay Leadership Dude?”) is an expert in diversity and inclusion, change management, and leadership. He’s worked internal for folks like The Walt Disney Company, IBM, Tupperware Brands, and several universities before starting his own consulting firm, TopDog Learning Group in 2008.

TopDog works with both Fortune 500s and not-for-profit organizations to bring about a more inclusive and effective workplace. Steve’s also an award-winning author, speaker, and catalyst. His latest book, Pride Leadership: Strategies for the LGBTQ+ Leader to be the King or Queen of their Jungle ‘came out’ in 2019, and his next book, Your Queer Career?: Workplace Advice from “The Gay Leadership Dude?” hits shelves later this year.

Steve’s not-so-hidden agenda is to make the world a bit more inclusive for us all..