"Your Queer Career?" ... Question from "Annoyed Advocate [Vol.08]

In this weekly newsletter, I'll answer a workplace question from LGBTQ+ (& Ally) professionals. These will also serve as the basis for my upcoming book,?Your Queer Career?: Workplace Advice from The Gay Leadership Dude??due to hit stores in January 2024. You can pre-order your copy (and see some sweet bundle deals) here !

Hello “Gay Leadership Dude?”… I’m exhausted. Like you, I live in Florida, and between the “Don’t Say Gay” fiasco and the “Stop WOKE Act ” shenanigans in our state alone, I’m feeling frustrated and lost; like we’re going backwards. I try to promote equity both in our community as well as in my workplace (I’m one of the heads of our Employee Resource Group). What do you suggest I can do to keep up my spirits and continue the fight, and not get frustrated and give up? ~ Annoyed Advocate

Hey Annoyed: I completely hear you. The legislative attacks both here in Florida and in many other states against our LGBTQ+ Community definitely are not changes in the right direction, and it has made me feel the same way as you: frustrated, sad, angry, and a myriad of other emotions all mixed up in an icky giant ball. Compound that with the ongoing effects of a pandemic, economic worries, unjustified wars, etc. etc. etc. and it’s no wonder people in our Community (and beyond) are struggling to cope with it all.

One of the things I do for a living is change management, or how to manage (usually workplace) changes. New business processes, a new software implementation, a company merger; these are all types of workplace changes that smart organizations think about and strategically plan to adopt (and adapt). Sadly, some organizations just throw the change to their peeps, with lots of drama and consequences. While learning the right way to implement change in an organization, I was exposed to the concept of resiliency, or how us humans adapt in the face of change, adversity, trauma, tragedy, or significant sources of stress. While the concept of being resilient involves simply “bouncing back” (or in some cases just surviving), it can also be an opportunity for profound personal growth.

The good news: there’s a heap of strategies we can leverage to help facilitate that growth. If you open your favorite web browser and search for resilience, you’ll find a ton of resources. Years ago, I gobbled every resilience book I could find, and I saw some themes among the suggested strategies. For me, the top 3 strategies to be resilient in times of change (like the time we’re facing right now) are:

(1) Having a Positive View of the World. … Studies show that if we tend to look at the world in a more positive manner, we tend to bounce back from adversity faster than those who have a more “doom-and-gloom” perspective. No, it’s not the “Everything is Awesome!” rose-colored glasses thing but being able to find those bright spots even when it’s a crappy time is the key. One trick from psychologists is to create a “What-Went-Well” journal, where at the end of each day you find five things that went well for you (big or small; doesn’t matter). As you find those five things (and yes, some days it will be hard to find just two), you’re technically rewiring your brain to look for those bright spots.

(2) Having a Healthy Self-Concept. … Think back to your past, have you ever been in a low spot? We all have (and if you think you haven’t, you’re either lying to yourself or insanely lucky!). A healthy self-concept is knowing that you have survival skills and abilities—you’ve done this before. It means you don’t feel like a victim of changing times, and you know your actions influence those around you. To realize you indeed have a healthy self-concept go back to that low point and ask yourself, “What got me from that lower point to that higher point?” Chances are it was things like drive, motivation, support, determination, etc. Yes, you’ve been in low points before and know that you WILL get out of any future ones as well.

(3) Handling Ambiguity. … Finally, this is the hardest one for anyone in the throes of change. Humans by nature don’t like change; change is uncomfortable and challenges the part of our brains that crave safety. However, when things start to get rough, we sometimes focus our energy where it does the least amount of good (but the most amount of frustration, right AA?). Here’s a strategy that can help:

A. ? Think about a 3-ring bullseye. Now think of a current issue (concern) of significance to you in which you don’t know the final decision or outcomes. (Like, “My state government is against my Community!”). The key is selecting an ambiguous situation that causes confusion and anxiety.

B.? ? After thinking about this issue, make a list of your biggest concerns (“We’ll be erased.” “Queer/questioning kids will feel further alone.” “I’m a teacher and I don’t know what I can/can’t say.”).

C. ? Review your list. Plot each concern on that 3-ring bullseye. If it’s something in your CONTROL, it goes in the dead center. Can’t control it but you can INFLUENCE its outcome: next layer out. Finally, if it’s something where you have NO CONTROL NOR INFLUENCE: that goes in the outer ring.

D. ? Take a step back and consider where your energy is being focused: inner ring (you can control)? Outer ring (not in your control)?

E.? ? Make a plan to take action on the concerns you can CONTROL or at least INFLUENCE. For those in that outer ring? Pull an Elsa and (as hard as it may be), “Let it go!”

Look, I know an article with some “these are good tips!” may not be enough to alleviate the frustration we’re all facing at this time, AA. But the best advice is to take one step at a time. One effort or action that we know will make an impact—even if just a little. The great thing about this fight is you are NOT alone: there are heaps of us trying to make a difference and we have a lot of allies who are trying, too. Stay positive, remember your value and worth, and focus your energy on the things in that inner bullseye that we can indeed control or influence, and allow yourself time to rest in between the fight. We’ll all need it.

A version of this appeared in Watermark Online at https://watermarkonline.com

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Dr. Steve Yacovelli (a.k.a. “The Gay Leadership Dude?”) is an expert in diversity and inclusion, change management, and leadership. He’s worked internal for folks like The Walt Disney Company, IBM, Tupperware Brands, and several universities before starting his own consulting firm, TopDog Learning Group in 2008.

TopDog works with both Fortune 500s and not-for-profit organizations to bring about a more inclusive and effective workplace. Steve’s also an award-winning author, speaker, and catalyst. His latest book, Pride Leadership: Strategies for the LGBTQ+ Leader to be the King or Queen of their Jungle ‘came out’ in 2019, and his next book, Your Queer Career?: Workplace Advice from “The Gay Leadership Dude?” hits shelves later this year.

Steve’s not-so-hidden agenda is to make the world a bit more inclusive for us all