Is your personality affecting your children’s behavior?

"That stubbornness comes from her father" How many times have we heard this statement (or similar) when talking to other parents?

It is normal for children to inherit not only our sense of humor and charisma, but also those qualities we are not too proud of, and we wish no one notice them. However, kids are really good observers, and they copy everything they see…good and not too good!

We talk about how our children’s behavior affect our mood and sometimes even our behavior. Every day, I get to take my daughters to school, and I really enjoy this, but there are mornings when I need to drag them and beg them to eat, get dress, brush their teeth…everything!!! So by the time I drop them off, it’s only 8:30am and I am exhausted and not on my best mood! The worst part is that I have this weird feeling all day. At least until I see them again and their big smiles and love fills me with joy. I’m sure this happens to a lot of parents. We constantly ask ourselves, what should our kids do different or how should they behave, so MY mood or behavior does not get affected?

But what if I tell you that it may be the other way around? That it is our behavior the one that influences our children’s behavior? If you think about it, this could be very powerful... This gives us parents the power! If we want to change our children’s misbehavior, maybe it is time to analyze our own behavior and make some changes, which I am sure will directly influence in our children’s the behavior.

Eric Berne, psychoanalyst, creator of transactional analysis (theory humanistic personality, human relations and communication) suggests that there are three Ego States of Personality:

·        The Parent,

·        The Adult and

·        The Child.

The Parent: This is the state where we speak, think and behave according to the patterns we learned from our parents, or other parental figures in our childhood. It is made up of hidden and overt messages such as “you / I should”, “always” or “never forget”. We are in this state when we take care of another person, who could be a parent, a child or a friend. We are constantly giving directions and correcting.

The Adult: This is the most rational and realistic state; the least emotional. Here we are receiving, processing and transmitting information that will determine our actions.  .

The Child: It is the more impulsive and spontaneous state. When we act from our “child state”, we are transported to our childhood and we feel, think and behave as when we were children. It is the most emotional part of the human being

All humans operate in all three ego states and we will change them depending on how we feel, how we act and in what situation we find ourselves. You can change from one State to another in a matter of seconds.

According to Berne’s theory, when we communicate we are doing so from one of our own alter ego states, our Parent, Adult or Child. Our feelings at the time determine which one we use, and at any time something can trigger a shift from one state to another. (businesballs.com)

Whenever we remind our children to take their jacket because it’s getting cold outside, or when we ask them to eat their vegetables because they are healthy, we are operating from the Parent state. When our kids come from school and they tell us all about their day and what they learned, and we listen and process the information they are giving us, in order to give them feedback, we are operating from the Adult ego state. And when we are laughing out loud, playing with our kids and having lots of fun with them, we are at the Child ego state.

As we can imagine, children spend most of their time in the child Ego State. Parents, when we are with our kids, we spend most of that time on the Parent state: ordering, directing and correcting them. The most time we spend telling our kids what to do, how to do it, the most power struggles we are going to have. No matter what ages your kids are.

Think about the time you spend with your kids…. How much time are you spending on each state? If you are spending more time in the Parent state, then maybe this is one thing you can change today to reduce the power struggles you are having with your kids.

Sometimes we are so focus on “educating” our kids that we forget to just enjoy them and have fun with them. The most time we spend on our Child Ego state with our children, the stronger the emotional connections we are building, because at this state is where we activate those good brain chemicals like oxytocin and opioids that help the parent-child bond get stronger and stronger.

Until next time,

Be well, and have fun with your children!

Carolina 

Parent and Life NLP Coach