Your partner is getting on your nerves?

Haven’ t we all had frustrations with our partners? Living as a couple is not easy, I believe it's one of the most difficult things if we are not willing to learn and grow together :-)

You may have asked yourself some of these questions out of frustration:

• Why are you always late?
• Why do you always have to be so direct?
• Why are you raising your voice?
• Why do you take so much time to decide where we should have diner?
• Why do you ignore me after an argument?
• Why don’t you just say it as it is? Why don’t you put away the dishes after we finish eating?

Does that ring a bell or strike a cord?

I have been in multi-cultural relationships my whole life and the above-mentioned frustrations are things that I was always faced with, both myself and my partners used to get really irritated at each other because we didn’t try to understand where we were each coming from! And if you want to grow together these need to be addressed early on.

On my journey to becoming a Chameleon (meaning staying true to myself but capable to adjust to people who think, act and behave differently) I have learned so much thanks to my and my partner's patience and willingness to learn and grow.

Here is what I tend to do:

First I will stop, look and reflect on what the issue at hand is; where are we disagreeing or not doing things the same way? Then peacefully I would ask, “honey why is it you think I raise my voice, why does it trigger you?” And this usually leads to a nice discussion where we can actually understand what the trigger for our partner is and move forward!

I would like to give you a few pointers that have worked for me over the course of my relationships but also in my work and day to day life and which you may also find useful.

I would recommend you try out those pointers when such frustrations between you arise:

• Reflect on what you said and how, but also how your partner reacted. Then when the storm has passed ask to clarify what happened.
• When it comes to time, ask why are we leaving late purposefully to arrive late at the party? Most of the time this will help you understand what their perception of time is, and remember in some cultures time is more fluid and the person organising the party might not be ready at the time they invited you for ??
• You raised your voice, was there a reason for that? Did I upset you? How did you feel, how can I address this next time? This will help in understanding why they got upset maybe it’s a childhood trigger or because raising one’ s voice is conflictual for them, whereas for you it may just be because you are passionate ??
• Also remember that sometimes in multi-cultural couples we don’ t speak the same mother tongue and as such we will use a common language which may be English. Note that this can also create discomfort and frustrations, so be patient with each other, clarify words used and what they mean, repeat in your own words what you understood. That can bring clarity and avoid a lot of additional headaches for the both of you ??
• Why do you ignore me after an argument? Here you can ask why they retreat, but first before you address it make sure both are in the right frame of mind and relaxed to discuss it.
• When it comes to decision making this can also be a personal choice, your partner needs to see all the options available and then do their own little research to come up with a decision and that is ok, maybe then ask them what information they need to help with the decision.

Have a little go at these solutions and see how it can benefit your couple ??

Do you have any personal stories you would like to share?

If you feel this is something that you would like to continue working on, do feel free to join us at the Become a Chameleon Bootcamp workshop where we will give more insights and strategies ??