Be Your Own ARChitect

As an armchair organizational psychologist, I can’t help but smile when I see an intersection between the content I am focusing on in my work life, and my kids’ behavior. I have recently been studying Self-Determination Theory, and learning about the “ARC” of our basic psychological needs for wellness as humans - ARC standing for Autonomy, Relatedness, and Competence (not necessarily in that order). These needs cut across all cultures and all age groups. Autonomy is about our willingness to do something, something we are ready to do of our own accord. Relatedness is about our need to feel connected with others, or the sense that one matters to a group because there is something that we can contribute to that group. Competence is about our need to feel effective and capable, to experience growth. A complementary theory is Frederick Herzberg’s Two-Factor Theory, which asserts that the powerful motivator in our lives isn’t money; it’s the opportunity to learn, grow in responsibilities, contribute to others, and be recognized for achievements.

As I have been considering these theories, my kids unwittingly helped me see how it shows up in their daily lives. The other day my college-age daughter sent me a text message saying that she “was going to a practice room.” I knew that this meant she was finding a room in which to play piano. She has been playing piano since she was 4 years old, and my only request of her was that she stick with her lessons through the end of high school. Part of the reason for that request was because I also studied piano growing up, but I gave it up in my first year of high school for reasons that I cannot remember now. I have regretted it ever since, and I wanted my daughter to get to a point where the notes and chords lived in her fingers - a kind of muscle memory that would stay with her. I instantly smiled when I read her text because now that she is at college, she is choosing to go play the piano, without any external pressure from me. Playing the piano invokes her ARC - it is an activity she is doing willingly, she is honing her skills by learning new pieces, and she experiences relatedness by sharing recordings with me (an avid listener if no longer a player). After a few text messages back and forth consisting of hearts and smiley faces, she sent me a snippet of her playing Till There Was You, one of our favorite songs. I immediately felt the connection across the fiber-verse, a welcome moment on a quiet Sunday.?

Interestingly, the video game industry has picked up on the importance of ARC, designing games that offer experiences that tap into all three basic psychological needs. My high school-age son and I have been doing a Duolingo dance for a while now, with his study of Spanish and my study of Italian. He introduced me to the app, and I quickly got sucked into a daily habit and a goal of maintaining my streak, which currently stands at 430 days. It only takes a few minutes a day to do a lesson, and I get that small dose of satisfaction that comes from “leveling up” and from being in a community of fellow language learners. When my son and I hit milestones, we share our successes with each other through the app’s automated text messages, encouraging each other to keep the streak alive - relatedness in its most basic form. Even though my son has been studying Spanish in school almost his entire life, the app’s gamification of the language enables him to get his ARC itch scratched (and if he must play a video game then this type is mom-approved).

Part of my mission as an executive coach is to help my clients examine how they can tap into their ARC while working towards their leadership development goals. And part of my mission as a parent is to help my kids explore areas and activities where they can feel the ARC in their worlds. The best days are the days when I witness it happening both professionally and personally. I try to remind myself regularly that the ARC doesn’t have to be an Everest-sized one; a rolling hill works too. During these times when I question whether “the arc of the universe (really does) bend toward justice” I strive to find it in my life, and to help others find it in their lives too.