Are your older relatives or loved ones living in the family home all alone? Time to downsize, or consider a homesharer....?

Hi. I’m Sarah Kaye and I’m the founder and CEO of Homeshare Living.

Our aim is to reduce loneliness, by matching older people who have spare room and need some companionship and support, with younger sharers who are working or studying and who live-in and provide around ten hours of practical help each week. It’s a mutually beneficial arrangement for both generations and a win-win.

We delighted to be running an interview series around the viability of homesharing as an option for older people as they age, and want to stay independent in their own homes and today I'm joined by Caroline Romero, who runs Grey Matters Consultancy.

Caroline provides a very wide range of services to the older generation including decluttering and downsizing, bespoke form filling - Attendance Allowance, Blue Badges, dealing with the DWP, writing your Will, advising on Power of Attorney or handling your final tax demand. Welcome Caroline.

Caroline Romero:

Well, thank you very much indeed, Sarah, for inviting me along this morning. I realised when I was in my thirties, that the older generation really do need the support. And that was highlighted to me by my own father. He retired at 65, but when he got to 75, things just went slightly off the boil. And I realised then that I was ‘the ham in this crusty sandwich’. He was very much the top layer and my kids were the bottom layer and I was the meat and mustard in between. So that's when really Grey Matters was first conceived which is 25 years ago now.

Sarah Kaye:

So how do you think older people, the over 75’s say, are managing on their own at home?

Caroline Romero:

For some older people, it's their choice, it's their lifestyle, they are okay. But I know from interviewing many, many elderly people over the last few years, that actually, decisions have to be made around about the age of 75. That to me is the tipping point. I used to work for a retirement company selling retirement flats, and nine times out of ten, you'd get them in there just on the cusp of 75. They knew they had to downsize from their house and move into a two-bedroom flat or whatever, and the decision-making process was easy, because they could see the vision.

Once you get past 75, your home can become a prison. You come downstairs, you move your bedroom downstairs, you sleep downstairs, you don't go upstairs. Is there a bathroom downstairs? Probably not. Lucky if you got a loo downstairs, if it's an older style house. And so they have to adapt their lifestyle.

Caroline Romero:

And they are trapped in too big a house, that really, really doesn't meet their needs. And is actually a health hazard, because there are probably rugs on the floor, the kitchen might have not been upgraded in the last 20 years, and that sort of thing. One of my clients, I went in there, and the gas fire was dangerous. All these things should be checked. So that's my philosophy. You should make a decision pre-75 how you're going to live, and plan it well. If you're past 75, then you are leaving yourself, your life, in life's chances. That's my take on it.

Sarah Kaye:

I've really never thought about it in those terms, but that's so interesting. That's a really good point. I mean, I know people obviously, who have downsized and it turns out to be very well thought out when one half of the couple passes away. It makes things a lot easier for the surviving partner who is settled in a smaller home. I also know many older people who have been in the same houses for 50 years.

Caroline Romero:

And it's the family home where all the memories are holding you back ... "This is where little Johnny learned to play the piano. This is where Mary lost her tooth," etc.  One of my clients, I was moving her from a four-bedroom house to a two-bedroom bungalow, said, "I haven't got space for any of my stuff." I said, "What do you need? Put into storage what you need, and then if you haven't looked at it in six months, then we'll get rid of it." One of the things she really wanted to house was her mother's tea set. And we touted it round the rest of the family, her daughter, her daughter-in-law, etc. None of them wanted it. So, I said, "So you need this tea set in your life, because it's your mother's, then use it. Get it out. Use it. Enjoy it. Break it. It doesn't matter, because your kids do not want it."

Sarah Kaye:

And did she take your advice?

Caroline Romero:

She did. Yes, she did. And then she was able to downsize, but it was the tea set that was holding her back from moving from a four-bedroom house, because she couldn't see where she would be able to put a glass cabinet in the flat to store it. I said, "Use the cups. Use plates. Just use them. Enjoy it."

Sarah Kaye:

People have sentimental attachment to things that mean so much. It’s hard to let go.

Caroline Romero:

You could be attached to this, to a stapler. "Oh, I bought this in Ryman's in whatever town. I've had this all my working life, since I first started up the business. This is my first stapler." Chuck it! Get rid of it!

Sarah Kaye:

Their children won't want it!

Caroline Romero:

No, they don't. They don't.

Sarah Kaye:

So what challenges do you think that they face, those people who remain in their home alone? They may have become a widow, widower.

Caroline Romero:

Well, they lose people. One by one their friends die, so their social community goes. Their comfort blanket ... "Mary would be on the end of the phone to me 6pm on a Sunday evening, and we'd have a chat about the week." That's gone, because Mary's dead. And you've got to really think about how the house is. It’s quiet, empty. You need the companionship. Humans are social beings.

Sarah Kaye:

We're not meant to be alone.

Caroline Romero:

We're not meant to be alone. It affects your brain, affects the makeup of the brain, your neurons don't like it. We have to be continually having the challenge of somebody else, and we also need to be needed. I used to look after a 91-year-old, who was at Bletchley Park in the war, and he was an amazing guy. He was obviously highly intelligent. Well, he would business mentor me. Every Wednesday and Friday, he'd come into my restaurant, have a cup of coffee. We'd sit down for an hour, and he became one of my best friends, because we would sit there and talk about business. I gave him the stimulus. He needed me to supply the coffee and the conversation, but I needed him as the guru to give me some best advice. So, there's a two-way street between old and young. Two-way street.

Sarah Kaye:

There's a lot to learn from the older generation, from their wisdom, experiences.

Caroline Romero:

And their interesting stories.

Sarah Kaye:

And so, how do you think the future looks for them and their families?

Caroline Romero:

Well first of all, these days their kids are time poor, and they probably live miles away. And there is nothing worse than when you have to go and see Mum and Dad, and you live 50 miles away. When you go, there's always jobs to be done. There's always, "Is the fridge full? Is there a leaking tap? Does the light bulb need changing? Have you changed your sheets, changed your bed?"

All these routine boring tasks have to be done when the children visit. And actually, what they want to do, is go along and have a cup of tea, and enjoy time with Mum and Dad, and not think, "I've got to go to the shops and buy food and change a light bulb" which takes more time out of your visits. So by doing homeshare, I think it's brilliant, because the older person has got a younger person there to help and support them with the general running of the home, in a soft sort of way. And it must also give the youngsters a taste of responsibility.

Sarah Kaye:

Exactly. It's all about giving, helping, supporting. It's a win-win for both.

And that way the families have peace of mind, and when they do come and visit Mum or Dad, they can actually have a bit of fun. Have a nice chat and catch up. Maybe go out for a walk and whenever allowed again, out for a meal perhaps. It's a bit more of a joyful experience.

Caroline Romero:

Rather than a chore.

Sarah Kaye:

Well, it’s been great talking to you today and hearing your thoughts on the challenges that older people face. Thank you, Caroline.

Caroline Romero:

My pleasure.

Thanks for reading. If you’d like to be featured in our series, please connect with me and direct message me on LinkedIn here:  https://www.dhirubhai.net/in/sarahkaye1/

 If you would like to discuss whether a Homeshare might be suitable for an older relative or loved one, please get in touch on 020 3137 6421 or at [email protected]