YOUR NEW STAR SIGN By Charlie Hankin (Esquire March 2018)

I think we can all agree that the number one problem facing Americans today is that the signs of the zodiac could be better. “Aquarius the Water Bearer”? Astrologic signs are old, boring, hard to remember, and –honestly? – very Greek. What follows is a much improved zodiac featuring modern star signs for today’s needs. I mean, seriously – who wants to be a Cancer? Here is your new sign and accompanying monthly horoscope.

 TREMINI January 1-February 4: The “Three Guys” symbolize being a bunch of guys.

You have the classic Gemini trait of wisdom, plus the strength of one additional guy. DO not be afraid to try a Sudoku, or to open a weird, old jar. But beware – the jar is haunted, and the Sudoku is really hard.

DANGERFRIENDS February 5-March 9: The “Scorpion killing a Lion” represents serenity.

Remember that guy you used to date? What’s his name? Kept bragging how he did a stick and poke tattoo on his left arm when he was 14, but when he finally showed it to you, it looked professional, and also he’s left handed, so how could he have done it himself? Well, he’s going to text you. Just ignore him.

CHAIRIES March 10-April 12: Constellation Chairies is where Orion veges out.

You love the great indoors. Go curl up with a good book: Then immediately start screwing around on your phone. Ooh, there are updates for like six apps. Definitely deal with them right now – trust me, Donna Tartt won’t mind.

GEODE April 13-May 16: Geode represents bad presents that suck to ship.

You’re tough and craggly on the outside but colorful and craggly on the inside. This month, open yourself up to strangers. Show them your beautiful, sparkly interior. Leave tiny ships of crystal on their shelf when they try to use you as a bookend.

EVAN May 17: Constellation Evan symbolizes my buddy, Evan.

You’re not afraid to fight for what’s right. You’re loyal, honest, and hardworking. You are my best friend, Evan, and I love you. Class of ’06 forever! ‘And if you’re reading this on May 17, happy birthday, dude!)

SCRUTINUS May 18-June 20: The “Nitpicker” symbolizes being very popular.

Everyone loves how principled you are. They seriously think it’great. But listen: Becky is coming over, and she’s gluten-free, and while she say it’s celiac, she’s going to eat a muffin she thinks is corn-based but that you know contains wheat bran. Let. It. Go.

CANTSER June 21-July 22: The “Tennis Man” famously “can’t serve.”

Congratulations, former Cancers, you are now Cantsers! You are open minded about change. Why don’t you try getting a makeover? Or giving a makeover? Or making a giveover? What would that even be? Thanks to your open mind, you’re not afraid to contemplate such dangerous and frightening ideas.

NIHILO July 23-August 24: This one is nothing. You are nothing.

You are nothing. You fell nothing and you have nothing because you are nothing. Do nothing. Go nowhere. Don’t touch anything, don’t look at anything, don’t talk to anybody. But most of all: Be yourself!

CRAYNINE August 25-September 26: The canine hunts his own tail, because he is cray.

You have an unfortunate tendency to self-sabotage. Embrace that. Really try to undermine yourself. I’m suuuure you’ll succeed this time. Get it? You see what I’m doing there?

MULLIGAN September 27-October 28: The official sign of do-overs.

You are tenacious. When you get thrown off the horse, you get back on the horse. When they tell you “stay of the horse” or “that’s actually my horse” or “that’s not a horse, it’s a mule, which is technically a horse-donkey hybrid,” you look them dead in the eye and say: “Oh, wow, interesting.” Then you get back on their mule.

IKEO October 29-November 29: The “Build-It-Yourself-Dresser” symbolizes defeat.

You are great at following directions. So: Make a left up here. No, your other left. Wait – did you signal first? Okay, now pull up ahead and make a right and pull over. Get out. Give me the keys. I’m driving.

CIRRUS November 30-December 31: The “Cloud” interferes with other constellations.

Your heart is pure, your intentions are good, and you are a great friend. This month, help a person in need. Do you know anyone who is a Danger-friends? Go give them some support – they’re going to open a text from an ex they should have ignored.