Your mind is yours to command. Are you at the helm?

“I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.”

(Mark Twain, a pseudonym used by Samuel Langhorne Clemens, a North American writer, humorist, entrepreneur, editor, and speaker.)

?Among the ideas used in Neurolinguistic Programming, there is a distinction between territory and map. The territory is the reality the way it is. It’s simply there, with no intervention or human interpretation. The map is how we see reality in our minds. Inevitably, it will carry a level of interpretative component – conscient or not – reflecting our experiences and beliefs. The big question is: in what world do we live? Territory or Map?

Our mind is amazing because it is in constant movement, creating scenarios and interpreting events. In other words, building maps after maps about what happens to us, what people tell us, and their looks. We are always looking between the lines for a hint, a clue, or anything that has not been said, and over these aspects, we create theories and interpretations that, at the end of the day, guide our decisions and actions. But like Mark Twain brightly affirmed, many of these “truths” have never existed.

How often have I put intonation over a received email or a WhatsApp message, as if the person was challenging or criticizing me? Right after, I put myself on the defensive, answered in a nearly rude manner, and added the author to the list of opponents. How often have I taken over something that has not been said as truth and have refrained from speaking, making things clear, and, worst of all, have I defined steps of life and career based on this incomplete information?

And, just like that, we move on, holding on to grudges, resentments, doubts, and, many times, sorrows according to things that have never really happened. We guide ourselves through maps drawn in our minds influenced by fears, vanity, pride, false optimism, and values that we bring with us. We forget to challenge ourselves, to question our truths, we are afraid of going there and querying, asking a question, and confronting. At the end of the day, we choose non-communication.

Our mind is sensational, but it plays tricks on us. At the same time, it has the power of problem-solving since we have a clear consciousness that we don’t know everything. Sometimes we think we do but the vast majority of the time, we don’t. And the way to learn is to always search for clear communication with those that interact with us.

There are many references, techniques, and widespread concepts by many authors. If we want to make the best decisions, build healthy lifelong relationships, and, at the end of the day, be happier and free from these feelings that don’t help us, I understand that some good and easy strategies include:

·????????Challenge our conclusions: we need to disarm our minds from our preconceived ideas and interpretations. In a given situation that bothers you somehow, grab a pencil and write what the facts and known data are. In other words, straightforward evidence. What you know for fact based on what you heard and observed. Next to it, list the interpretations, judgments, and inferences that you are making. Now, ask yourself: What are the conclusions that the facts support? Which conclusions are not supported by the facts? Throw them away with no mercy. What else do you need to know to get to a rational conclusion? What do you need to test and, mainly, ask? Go after the information. You can get surprised by how wrong you were at first. It happened to me: as an expatriate, living in the United States, I really wanted a transfer that did not happen and I received another position, even more important. I took it and carried that sorrow with me for not getting the one I wanted. More than a year later, in a conversation with my superior at the time, I mentioned that. He looked surprisedly at me and said, “I have never known you wanted that position. Actually, I thought it would be too little for you and that’s why I have never even offered. I looked for something that would be more challenging for you.” I stopped to think about it and the penny dropped – I had never made my wish clear. It seems I thought people would guess by themselves. And worst, I carried resentment simply because people were not mind-readers. It seems ridiculous, but believe me, it happens all the time.

?·????????Get off the high horse for real: because, actually, it doesn’t even exist. We created it and we put ourselves there. The exercise here is humility. To understand we do not know everything and to open ourselves to new realities and new learnings. We don’t need to be right all the time, things don’t need to be the way we want all the time, people don’t need to follow our formula all the time, and we don’t need to have a theory or a solution for each and all situation or conversation. Have you ever been into a conversation where you simply wanted to talk about a situation with someone just to hear yourself, and share, but the person comes with that “script” about the theme, and what you should do and feel? Have you? Dull, right? We don’t want to be this person, do we? I can mention here the wise Raul Seixas, a talented Brazilian composer and singer: “I’d rather be this walking metamorphose than having the same old opinion set about everything.”

·????????Put aside the judgments: we need to observe more and judge less or, in the worst-case scenario, delay the judgment. We tend to always think about “right and wrong,” “moral or immoral,” and so on. We are inclined to label people or events. The problem is that these concepts, the majority of the time, are ours, based on the rules we create with our values. They’re not absolute. Marshall B. Rosenberg, author of Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, mentions these judgments as being “life-alienating” because they kick us to the curb in the field of communication, creating barriers and blockades. Frequently, we hear speeches like this at work feedback. Judgments and labels used in the form of hollow adjectives say more of those who speak than those who hear. They don’t bring facts or observations, they don’t bring feelings or needs, and worst, they don’t bring any specific requests. The result? They drag people down, destroy their self-esteem, and simply, don’t help at all.

?Many times, when we are very worked up, it’s worth it to exercise the “disassociation,” in other words, abdicate from the agent position involved in the matter and put yourself as the third party observing the situation through many angles. You will exercise seeing yourself from this point of view as a third person. Let the judgments aside, the feelings out, and observe from the outside. Analyze, coldly, what makes sense and what does not. Where the data are, where the interpretations are. If you, as a third party, were to give your worked-up self a piece of advice, what would you say?

Our mind is ours to command. The stoic philosophers say that the mind is a fortress that can’t be taken by the outside. It can only be delivered from the inside, in other words, if we get carried away by the events, if we react, unexpectedly, if we make wrong decisions, we can’t blame anyone but ourselves. If we open our minds’ gates and give them away, we cannot hold someone else accountable.

In this line of thinking and not to break the tradition, I leave here a quote from Zeno, founder of the Stoic school: “If you lay violent hands on me, you’ll have my body, but my mind will remain with Stilpo.” In this case, “Stilpo” was a Greek philosopher, whom Zeno considered his master.

Hugs and see you next time!