Your Mind On Grief
“…My husband didn't have COVID, but I still feel like he was a victim of the pandemic,” ?actor Jean Smart told Fresh Air’s host Terry Gross.
Jean Smart’s breakout role was in the 1980s as Charlene on the sitcom Designing Women. The beginning of the COVID pandemic in 2020 coincided with a “career renaissance" for Smart. She appeared in a string of popular, critically acclaimed television shows including Fargo, Mare of East Town and Hacks.
Yet as her career rose to new heights, she faced a personal tragedy. Her beloved husband, actor Richard Gilliland, died unexpectedly in March 2021. They’d been married for more than 35 years.
His death was heart-related, but Smart speculated that COVID may have indirectly contributed.
Maybe the Urgent Care clinic assumed his symptoms were vaccine related? Maybe that’s why they didn’t run an EKG or refer him to the ER? If it hadn't been for COVID, might he still be here?
Smart also talked about sometimes fighting irrational self-blame. She admitted, “… there was a part of me, in dark moments, where I thought, this is the universe looking out and saying, oh, you thought you could have it all, huh? Not so fast.”[1]
?Such is the reeling nature of a mind in grief.?
Grappling with Loss
Near-death researcher Elizabeth Kubler-Ross said humans “pretend death doesn’t exist.”
I’m not sure we’re pretending. I think we have a hard time wrapping our minds around death.
Yeah. I mean, for me, it's as unreal as if the Martians landed on my front lawn. --?Rob Delaney, talking with This American Life host Ira Glass about the death of his two-year old son, Henry.
How can a human being be here, and then, not here?? How can they disappear before our eyes, even with their corpses lying in plain sight??
Worse than that, death sometimes seems so unfair.
Children die. So do young adults with promising futures. And perfectly healthy elders who eat birthday cake one day and get wrapped in a shroud the next.
The randomness of death can make our logical minds short-circuit.
The Mind In Grief
If left to its own devices, your mind won’t let go of trying to understand why someone died.
If it can’t find a good reason, it will return over and over again to the experience. It’ll churn through the what-ifs of the blame-and-shame cycle:
?And, in doing so, it increases our suffering. ?
So what do we do with these thoughts?
Stop Resisting Your Thoughts
The first step is to recognize your anxiety and stop resisting it.
It means learning to step back and observe the thoughts. Realize they’re a normal reaction to a confusing situation. Your mind is just trying to understand what happened to prepare for future danger.
It takes some self-talk.
I often use this technique from Action and Commitment Therapy. ?When you feel stressed, say “I notice I’m having the thoughts again about how I shouldn’t have moved Dad to assisted living” or “I notice I’m having thoughts again about how ?the assisted living place wasn’t careful at the beginning of the pandemic and my mother got COVID.”
Stop Believing All of Your Thoughts
Our minds are filled with facts and beliefs. Facts are observable. Even if you ignore or argue against facts, they don’t go away.
Our beliefs, on the other hand, are created by us. We form them to make sense out of our experiences.
Which means we can change them. And sometimes, questioning our own beliefs can help us see things from a new, less painful, perspective.
For example, many of us believe no one should die alone. Or, at least, it’s unbearable to think of our loved one’s passing with no one by their side.
Yet it happens often. Family members stick close to the dying loved one.? Sometimes for days. Then, in a brief period when everyone takes a break for a shower or a nap, the loved one slips away.
Family members can have a hard time letting go of guilt. They think, “My loved one died alone. I failed them.”
The first sentence is a fact. The second one is a belief that might shift under scrutiny.
In fact, it’s a belief that many hospice workers would argue. Those who work with dying people believe we humans have some control over our moment of death. That means many who pass alone choose to do so.
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Maybe the person can’t bear to leave when their loved ones are nearby. Maybe they want to protect others from the trauma of their death.
Who’s right?
It doesn’t matter.
What matters is that you can open your mind to alternative explanations. You’ll find relief in the fact that your beliefs might be wrong.
You don’t have to control your thoughts. You just have to stop letting them control you. – Dan Millman, author
Learning to identify and question your beliefs is a powerful skill, but it helps to have a concrete method for doing it. If you try to simply mentally reframe your beliefs, it usually won’t work. You’re still relying on your logical mind to solve your emotional experience. You’ll find more success with a method of inquiry designed to shift beliefs at both a cognitive and emotional level. I recommend The Work ?of Byron Katie.
Give Your Mind Solvable Problems
You can’t think your way out of grief. You need to lean into the emotional experience of loss. Give yourself time. Incorporate rituals to help you integrate your loss. (I wrote about this in my blog post “Wading Into Grief.”)
Yet your mind as a brilliance for certain tasks. It’s great at problem solving. Making plans. Coming up with ways to execute those plans.
The mind responds particularly well when it’s presented with a question.
So, when your mind is fussing around, mulling over false beliefs or unchangeable facts, give it a question to work on:
Finding Peace
The world has been through the mental ringer since 2020. We're haunted by trauma.
When I catch myself flipping through grievances and regrets, I initiate my action plan:
And I let my mind take it from there.
Note: Jean Smart's quote comes from the transcript of a Fresh Air Podcast that aired May 12, 2021.
#ManagingAnxiety #StressRelief #CaregiverSupport #MentalWellness #LetGoOfStress #grief #griefsupport #griefcoach #lifecoach
Want To Know More About Grief Coaching?
If you've recently lost a loved one, you may find anxiety to be as challenging as your grief. It makes sense. Your life gets turned upside down with the loss of a loved one. Adapting to major change creates incredible stress.
When I work with clients, we often must focus on the other intense emotions that come along with grief. In fact, we often have to address anxiety before we can even start griefwork.
If you want a proactive approach to dealing with your grief, let's talk . Working with a grief coach can be life-changing.
Through coaching, I can help you spend focused time on the sources of your stress. Because of my research and experience, I can help you find the coping strategies that are best suited to your unique situation. It saves time and gives you emotional support that helps with healing.
You'll start feeling more like yourself and seeing the possibility of a fulfilling, enjoyable life after loss.
You can learn more about my program by visiting my Work With Me page.
I also offer free discovery calls for anyone who wants to meet me and ask questions about my program. These are free informational calls, and there's no obligation to work with me. You can call if you’re interested in working with me or referring me to someone you know. You can schedule a call today.
Not ready to call? Feel free to message me or email me at [email protected] .
Download My Grievers Guide
Have you recently lost someone dear to you? Or are you worried about someone who has? Download your copy of A Griever's Guide to The Shadowlands of Loss . It covers some key elements of grieving and a few helpful strategies that can ease your experience of grief.