Your mind does not work unless opened

Reading a book has been my habit since childhood and now become such a past time activity post retirement, but is very good at keeping the mind sharp and especially educational material. Even today I continue to read books and watch educational TV shows and the news. Another great help is not to isolate yourself more with the covid-19 pandemic gave me more time and opportunity of socializing online with other people and getting involved with communities on things you are interested in is very mind stimulating.

Now if you ask me do you want to open someone's mind? I happen to have some thoughts about that like first of all, I’ll tell you how I open other people’s minds. Second, I’ll discuss the ethics of opening other people’s minds. One my way to open a mind is that I often discuss controversial subjects with people, and these discussions tend to go one of two ways.Sometimes the discussants don't really listen to each other. Instead, they basically put their fingers in their ears and preach to their own topics and this is very common in online discussions.

And sometimes the discussants do listen to each other. They are open to new ideas -- even when the ideas support the "other" side of the issue. The first kind of discussion is shaped by a “Debate Frame”. This frame sets the discussion up to be a competitive game with a winner and a loser, and tends to be the default. The second kind of discussion is shaped by a "Dialogue Frame". This frame sets the discussion up to be a cooperative endeavor where all the parties are willing to hold their assumptions up for scrutiny, and the goal is to explore the issue together. This frame is not there by default. It takes effort to establish and maintain.

We can frame the discussants as two or many souls on the same journey. Secure permission for both or all parties to “take things back” when they need to and discourage bad behaviour. Frame the discussants as two souls on the same journey and when trying to establish a dialogue frame, it's good to frame the discussants as being on a similar journey. So, when discussing a controversial subject, once I've learned that we have different viewpoints on the issue, I’ll say something like this:

“Ah, we see things differently. This is good. You know, when we were babies, we didn’t believe anything one way or another about these issues. We were each brought up by adults who told us what was good and what was bad in the world. And, as we grew up, we each held on to some of what they taught us, and changed our minds on other things. So I’m curious, how did you come to have your current views on this subject? I’m not asking for your reasons we’ll get to those. I’m interested in listening to your story.”

As they talk, I will try to empathize with them. I will try to imagine being them as they were growing up and figuring things out. I try to see why it might make sense that they see things the way they do. Nothing good would come of questioning their experience. And there’s no need to. They had the experience, and it led them to where they are today. Once you've done this, you've earned the right to tell your story. So tell it. Try to tell it very factually. Don’t overstate your evidence. Just rehearse some of the high points that explain how your views got to their present form.

And I must warn you, though. In doing this you might learn that your own views aren't as well grounded as you thought they were. You might be the one who winds up opening his/her mind to new alternatives. Secure permission for both parties to take things back. Human beings feel a need to be consistent. This is good in many ways, but this tendency stands in the way of having an open mind at times. If you want the other person to open their mind, you have to make them feel safe opening their mind.

“Have you ever been in a discussion, defending a point, and then, in the middle of it, you realized you didn't really have much confidence in your own argument? But you kept arguing anyway, because you didn't want to lose the debate? I've done that many times. 

And later I feel dumb and wish I would have just stopped and taken my statement back before I dug myself into a hole. If we’re going to talk about this issue further, I want to feel free to take things back if they don’t sound as good after I say them as they did in my head. And, of course, I’ll give you permission to do that, too. Does that sound good?"

The idea is just to establish some mutual awareness that you are each free to take things back. You might also want to establish permission to not have all your ducks in a row with something like this: "Or have you ever been in a discussion and you think you have a good case, but you can’t remember all the reasons? 

The other person asks for an example, and you can’t give the best example, or you don’t remember all the details from something good you read? I also want permission to say, 'hey, I think I read something about this that’s really good, but I can’t remember the details, is it OK if I get back to you on this?' And, of course, I’ll give you permission to do the same thing. Is that OK with you?”

That way it's not a competition. There is no winner and loser. You can both feel safe exploring the issue together rather than trying to win a debate. Discourage bad behavior and one thing people do when they fear their case isn't as good as they want it to be is change the subject. If you want the other person to open their mind, you should probably discourage this tendency. Otherwise they won't really see any need to explore alternative points of view.

In order to do this, I say something like this at some point:“You know, I like talking with you. In my experience, most of the people I've talked with who come from your viewpoint don’t seem to play fair. Whenever I bring up something that counts against their view they change the subject instead of just saying “hey that’s a good point. I’ll have to think about it more.”. You’re refreshingly honest. I’ll try to be just as honest as you are as we talk.

Moreover, this will usually keep them from changing the subject when things get tough for them. If you do this, though, you must commit to not changing the subject when things get tough for you as well. And, if there are other forms of bad behavior that you run into, you can discourage them in pretty much the same way as well. Believe me, if you do these three things at some point in the conversation, it will set up an environment where you can share the experiences and considerations that have led you to your view of things, and your discussion partner will be much more likely to actually hear what you’re saying and take your considerations seriously. Cheers!