Your Life Doesn't Happen Without Talking To Strangers
If you’ve ever been on the subway or in an elevator, you know the rules. Don’t make eye contact, stay as far away from other people as you can, and whatever you do, don’t talk to strangers.
But what if the rules are wrong?
Somewhere, in some town or city or village at this very moment, a baby is being born. From this moment on strangers will shape and determine her life.
Her family will love her but strangers will grow her food, manufacture her clothing, give her a job, make her laugh and cry. Strangers will surprise her with opportunities and lucky breaks. Strangers will talk to her, date her, comfort her, heal her, invest her money and service her car.
Whatever she wants in this life—romance, a dream job, a ticket to the Rose Bowl—chances are she’ll need a stranger’s help to get it.
To understand this is to recognize one of life’s simplest truths: Your life doesn’t happen without talking to strangers.
So what’s holding you back?
Talking to strangers in public can be a challenge. Most of us grew up being told not to talk to strangers. But it’s not the greatest advice for kids and it's even worse advice for adults. Surely, it’s better to teach your kids how to identify who they can and can’t talk to and what to say if they get separated at the mall, or to listen out for a secret phrase if a “family friend” offers to drive them home after school.
Surely it's better to convince adults of all ages, that talking to the right strangers can not only make their lives safer, healthier and more fun, it’s pretty much the only guaranteed way to meet new people and find new opportunities.
In study after study when people are asked how they’d feel about talking to a stranger in public they say they’d feel uncomfortable because no-one would want to talk to them. But it turns out they are wrong.
In a report in The New York Times, behavioral scientists Nicholas Epley and Juliana Schroeder approached commuters in a Chicago area train station and offered them a $5 Starbucks gift card in return for taking part in a simple experiment during their train ride. One group was asked to talk to the stranger who sat down next to them on the train that morning. The other group was asked to keep to themselves.
By the end of the train ride, commuters who talked to a stranger reported having a more positive experience than those who had sat in solitude. Not a single person reported having been snubbed – and the conversations were consistently pleasant.
Everyone benefits from talking to strangers.
It’s is a fact of life. In a social setting it’s the only real way to find opportunities, make new friends, find love, get a life. In our careers, we meet strangers as bosses, clients and coworkers. In our communities strangers make us laugh, feel safe and happy, get creative, stay healthy and live longer.
On a recent BBC radio program about the rapid rise of conversation clubs and salons in cafes and pubs around the British Isles, Marci told the host “My generation can talk to each other but we can’t hold a conversation. It’s killing us in interviews and dating. That’s why I come to this club.”
Meetup.com, one of over a thousand clubs around the world, boasts over two million members in fifteen hundred cities in 70 countries all getting together to perfect their conversation skills. Pubs in the UK have started Pub-talk groups as a way of attracting customers and there are thousands of English as a Second Language Schools and Club that benefit from talking to strangers.
An eye for strangers and a few catchy words.
Strangers are Everywhere
The math is simple, the more people you know, the more opportunities you have. A couple of years ago the New York Times reported that the average American knows approximately 600 people. A British survey conducted by the Daily Express concluded the average Brit has 40 friends. Let’s say a typical person knows about 250 people on a first-name basis. That means if you meet someone new at happy hour or on the trade-show floor you’re only a handshake away from 250 times 250 people. That’s over 60,000 possible connections. Sound crazy?
An eye for strangers helps you engage:
? Familiar Strangers, people you see frequently but never speak to
? Consequential Strangers, people you deal with to make your life happen but don’t really know, like your child’s teacher or the mechanic who fixes your car
? Total Strangers, people you didn’t know existed until the moment you met them
? Perfect Strangers, people you haven’t met yet but you know can help make your dreams come true
? Danger Strangers, people who set off your fight or flight response the moment you see them
A few catchy words let you:
- reframe the limiting don’t-talk-to-strangers rule with a positive directive, and learn how to recognize and react to the five different categories of stranger
- revive the dying art of conversation through connecting with strangers
- bridge the generation gap between strangers, and fill the hole of loneliness, isolation and self-absorption
- make your own good luck by stepping out of your comfort zone by talking to strangers and seeing things from different points of view, discovering new ambitions, sparking creative ideas and discovering new horizons
- reap the unexpected benefits that talking to strangers have on your overall happiness, health, longevity, creativity, security and love
For full-blown extroverts, talking to strangers is thrilling, but for most of us, there's at least a slight tinge of anxiety when meeting someone for the first time. We all know the importance of making a first impression, and we all want to be well-liked from the start of any interaction so ere are seven simple tips for becoming a temporary extrovert.
- say hello to everyone throughout your day
- notice the color of their eyes
- synchronize their body language
- become a temporary talk-show host and ask “talk-show host” questions (a statement followed by an open question). “I hear Seattle’s a fantastic place. If I only had 3 hours what should I see?” Or become a temporary news reporter with endless curiosity,
- nod and grunt - give physical and spoken feedback
- make it about them: not you, listen to their hopes and dreams
- find common ground
Start small and safe and grow from there. Some socially reserved people frequently look at socially outgoing types and think, Why can’t I do that? Why can’t I just walk up to a group of people and start talking?
Striking up a conversation with the person sitting next to you on a park bench, in a coffee shop, on a flight can give you unexpected pleasure. Talking to strangers is one of the most important things you do as an adult. It builds bridges between ordinary people from different walks of life and different cultures. Strangers bring us new ideas and opportunities and it’s truer today than ever before that it’s not what you know, it’s who you know.
And remember, not everyone is in the mood for talking all the time – even you.
Find out more.