Is Your Job Killing Your Sex Life?

Dear Liz,

I love my life and my job. I have an amazing husband named Eric who is the love of my life and nine-year-old twins, Trevor and Abigail, who are delightful when they aren't wreaking havoc in our playroom. I work as the Controller for a sports equipment company. My job is exciting and fun but it's taking over my personal life. 

I usually leave the office at about six but there's always email to answer after the kids go to bed. There are reports to write, and sometimes at the office there's no time to do that kind of quiet work.

Eric is a one-man law firm and he works from home. He does a lot of the stuff that I don't have time to do, like grocery shopping and paying bills.

We have a part-time caregiver after school who takes the kids to swim lessons and other activities.

I am swamped between work and home. My boss Alex is a great guy but he relies on me for everything. We talk twice a day even when he's out of town, and at least twice a month I go into the office on the weekends and he's usually there, so we catch up on priorities. 

I am burning the candle at both ends as they say! It's taking a toll on my health and my family. The other night after the kids went to bed Eric sat down with me.

"We have to talk about our credit cards," I said. "We have to move one balance to a lower-interest card and use my annual bonus to pay off the other one." 

"We have to talk about something more important than that," said Eric. "It's been five months since we made love. We are married. I love you.

"There's no reason for us to have no sex life."

Eric is right, but I'm so crazed all the time that I don't have energy for sex. Plus with two nine-year-olds in the house we don't get a lot of privacy. We could go away for the weekend, but our weekends are as busy as our weekdays!

I miss the days when we had more time for one another, but I don't know how to change the way things are now. 

Eric said "We are not Amanda and Jason." Amanda is my sister and Jason is my brother-in-law. He works on an oil rig and he's gone for days at a time.

Amanda told me that when he comes home their highest priority is to reconnect as a couple.

I want to do the same thing but it seems impossible. I am 38 and in the prime of life. I don't want the romance to go out of my marriage and I truly love my husband. 

Here is the worst part. Last Friday I had to attend a meeting out of the office and I stopped at home on the way to the office, to get some papers. Eric said "Your dad is going to pick up the kids from school and take them to the movies."

We were alone in the house for the first time in ages. I called my office and told them I wouldn't be back during the afternoon.

Eric was literally kissing the back of my neck when I suddenly remembered a critical client email message I had to send out.

I jumped up and said "Forgive me, I'll be right back!" and ran to my laptop to send the message.

It took a little longer than I expected to send my message because I had to attach some files to it before it went out.

When I got back to the bedroom Eric said "Your dad called. He and the kids will be back in twenty minutes." That was the end of that.

What should I do?

Thanks,

Janice

Dear Janice,

Many people can sympathize with you. You are married to an awesome guy and you don't even get alone time together. The good news is that your situation is easily fixable, and the person who will fix it is you.

You can re-set your priorities now that you've realized your life is out of balance.

You said your boss Alex is a great guy. You're going to take some of the mental and emotional energy you put into your job and redistribute it back to your husband and family. Alex values you and he will understand.

You're still going to be an incredible Controller, of course. You'll be an even better Controller when you are healthier in other areas of your life -- in your relationship with your husband and your emotional state, for starters.  

The love of your life is a higher priority than a customer email, and that customer would have understood if your email message hadn't arrived until Friday night or Saturday morning.

You have to stop and look at the messages you are sending.

Your message to Alex is "Call me any time!" Your message to Eric is "You can wait. I have other people who need my attention, ahead of you." That's backwards.

Before the end of the day, make a plan to get away with Eric and put your work aside for a weekend -- or even a week! Leave the children with your caregiver or your parents. You are in the prime of life, as you say. Dive into it! 

The work will always be there. It isn't going anywhere. Your reputation as a busy bee and efficient Controller will not suffer if you stop to take care of yourself and your romantic life.

Are you a drone in a suit, or a living woman with a sexy guy living in the house with you, ready to kiss the back of your neck and take it from there?

Eric gave you a sweet and caring wake-up call. Let him know you heard him. You will not regret the re-allocation of your energy away from your work and back to the people who love you more than your job ever will. 

Best,

Liz 

Study Questions

1. Since white-collar office work never ends, in the sense that we are never finished with our work, how can Janice (or you, or anyone) decide when to stop working each day?
2. Did Eric ask Grampa to take the kids to the movies on Friday afternoon, or was it Grampa's own idea?
3. Why is it hard for Janice and lots of other people to set boundaries between their work and personal lives?

Quiz Time!

What is the main theme in this story? Pick the correct answer:

A. It is important to limit your credit card debt.

B. You have more influence over your work and your life than you think, but only if you find speak up and use the influence you have.

C. Eric should have told Grampa "Keep the twins out until six o'clock at the earliest." 

Take a Step!

Here are three steps you can take to set healthy boundaries between work and the rest of your life.

Journal

Get a journal or notebook and start to write in it, every day or every few days. Not sure what to write? Here are five journal prompts:

• Write about what you're working on in your life and on the job, or your job search, right now. What is important to you at this point in your life? What are your goals?
• Write about your ideal situation. How would you like your life to look? What would you change in your job, your living situation, your activities, and your relationships if you could wave your magic wand?
• Write about your day. What did you do, and what did you think about?
• Write about your ideas. What are some things you've been thinking about? 
• Write about the people who buoy your up and increase your mojo level.. What is it about those people that makes them mojo-builders for you?

Add One Thing and Subtract One

Choose one thing that you'd like to add to your life and one thing you'd like to drastically reduce or eliminate from your life. Maybe you want to add swimming or a book club.

Maybe you want to give up working on weekends or even give up a friend who sucks away your mojo rather than refueling it. Can you add one important thing to your life and shed something (or someone) that isn't supporting your life any more, this month?

Make a Long-Term Plan

What do you want to accomplish during the rest of your life? Write about, draw about, or tell someone about your plans for your life. Are you on the path to achieving the things you wrote, drew or spoke about? What steps can you take to change your life so that it suits you? How can your work fit into your life rather than using up every ounce of your energy and every free minute of your time? 

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