Your First Christmas After A Family Separation Or Divorce

Article published on the Family Separation Hub on 14 November 2024

Your first Christmas after a family separation or divorce can bring a mixture of emotions, from relief to sadness, and even excitement at the chance to create new traditions. Planning for this holiday season carefully can help you, your children, and your ex-partner navigate the transition more smoothly. Here’s a guide on how to prepare logistically and emotionally for the start of a new approach to the holiday season.

Plan Ahead To Avoid Conflicts

One of the best ways to prevent holiday stress is by planning early. If you and your ex haven’t yet agreed on a Christmas schedule, initiate a calm and cooperative conversation as soon as possible. Agree on specifics like where and when each parent will see the children, and aim to divide holiday time fairly and clearly.

If your existing parenting plan covers Christmas, review it together to ensure it still meets your children’s needs. Will you alternate Christmas Eve and Christmas Day each year, or split the holiday period in half? Perhaps you’ll celebrate with the children on different days, allowing them to enjoy both sides of their family. Setting clear plans can minimise misunderstandings and help everyone to relax, knowing what to expect.

Depending on the nature of your relationship with your ex, you may want to work together on organising the children’s gifts. Whether you buy them gifts jointly or decide to each purchase gifts individually, agreeing on a budget is usually a good idea to avoid a competition with regards to spoiling the children. It may be tempting to spend a bit more this year (see the article: When Your Ex Spoils The children) to help the children through the transition but keep in mind that the more consistency you can offer, the better.

Create A Support System

Facing your first Christmas after divorce can feel isolating, so ensure you have a solid support system around you. This might include friends or family members who can be there to celebrate with you or lend a listening ear. Make plans to see others if your children will be with their other parent, or even consider volunteering, as giving back during the holidays can be deeply fulfilling and lift your spirits.

It’s also worth keeping communication lines open with a therapist or coach who understands the emotional toll of divorce and holiday times. Speaking with someone about your feelings and experiences can help you process any anxiety or sadness you may be facing and ensure that you’re in a positive mindset for the season.

Celebrate In Your Own Way If You Are Without the Children

If your children will be with your ex during Christmas, the idea of spending the day alone can feel daunting. However, this is an opportunity to redefine the holiday and find ways to make it special just for you. Start by planning meaningful activities that you wouldn’t typically do on a busy Christmas with kids. This could be spending the day with close friends, pampering yourself at home, cooking a special meal, or even taking a short trip. For those who can afford to spend a bit more, you may want to use this opportunity to travel to an exotic country where Christmas is not celebrated. This can help you forget about the holidays until you are back.

Instead of seeing this as a Christmas without your children, approach December 25th as a day to take care of yourself. Christmas can very well be celebrated several days later, when your children return to your home. You can have all the same traditions and celebrations at that stage, no matter what date it is in the calendar.

Supporting Your Children Through the Change

For children, Christmas often brings expectations of warmth, unity, and joy, which can feel disrupted after a divorce. To help them through these changes, have open conversations about the holiday well in advance. Let them know they’ll still get to enjoy Christmas with both parents, even if it will be a little different. Reassure them that it’s okay to have mixed emotions and encourage them to express any feelings they have, whether they’re excited, sad, or even anxious. It is advisable to avoid transferring your own emotions onto your children. If you are feeling sad about spending the holidays without them, they may not be thinking about it that way. The last thing you want is for them to feel guilty about leaving you on your own during the holidays.

Maintaining some old traditions can provide comfort, so try to incorporate familiar activities they’ve always loved, like decorating the tree, baking, or watching their favourite Christmas films. Many of these traditions can happen before or after December 25th, so you can maintain them even if you are not with them on the actual day. Having consistency in small rituals can help children feel more secure amidst the bigger changes in their family structure.

If your child expresses worry about missing out on either side of the family, explore creative solutions, such as virtual calls with extended family members or celebrating on different days with each parent. The goal is to reassure your children that Christmas can still be joyful, even if it looks a little different.

Finding Balance In Including Both Parents and Traditions

Holidays can become contentious if one parent feels left out or if both want to include their own unique traditions. To help avoid these pitfalls, approach the season with a spirit of compromise and cooperation. If both sides of the family have their own rituals, speak with your ex about incorporating a blend of both.

For example, you could agree to share Christmas Eve traditions from one side and Christmas Day traditions from the other. If your family has always had a special breakfast or dinner, perhaps you could continue that in your own home. Flexibility is key—encouraging your children to embrace both sides of their heritage and allowing them to explore all the traditions they enjoy can be a positive way for them to see that both parents are part of the holiday.

Managing Expectations And Emotions

Christmas often comes with high expectations, and managing these is important. Remind yourself and your children that it’s normal to have mixed feelings about the holiday this year. Divorced parents often feel pressure to make everything perfect, but focusing on enjoying simple moments rather than staging the perfect Christmas can be far more rewarding.

Let the focus be on creating a calm, enjoyable holiday that prioritises quality time, gratitude, and the simple pleasures of the season. If things don’t go exactly as planned, give yourself permission to adapt and go with the flow. The first holiday post-divorce is unlikely to be smooth, but maintaining a flexible, positive outlook can help you and your family feel more resilient through any unexpected changes.

Create New Traditions For A Fresh Start

Alongside retaining some old traditions, creating new ones can give you and your children something to look forward to and make this holiday unique. Perhaps you could introduce a new tradition, like having a family game night, going to see Christmas lights, or doing a Christmas Eve movie marathon. If you love the outdoors, a Boxing Day walk or a holiday picnic might become a cherished annual activity.

For children, new traditions can offer something tangible to anticipate, helping them build positive memories of Christmas in this new family structure. As the years go by, these traditions may become as meaningful and comforting to them as the ones they experienced before the divorce.

Moving Forward With Hope

Your first Christmas as a divorced family may be challenging, but it can also be a time to reset, build new memories, and foster a more peaceful, joyful future. With planning, a flexible mindset, and a focus on supporting your children, you can create a holiday season that is meaningful and fulfilling. It may take time to adjust, but remember that Christmas is about connection and love—values that remain steadfast regardless of family changes. Each holiday season is a step forward in creating a happy, harmonious.