Your Feelings Aren't Facts

I’m practicing that space between the stimulus and the response. I’m practicing.

I’m quick to emotion. I’m trained to be. I used to practice tapping INto it. Accessing it quickly until it rested right at the tip of my tongue and the top of my heart. 

I have a Masters degree in Musical Theater (yep they have Masters degrees for that).

As a trained performer and actress I was TAUGHT to find my emotion. It was a discipline.

Find the emotion and THEN sing. Access the heartache and THEN start your scene. Imagine. Remember. Recall. Pretend. There was no space between. The space between meant your audience was bored. The space between meant go home. (Can you believe people give you grades for this? They do. Can you believe this is something people STUDY? They do. It’s an incredible blend of psychology and artistry. Training people how to USE their vulnerability?! Incredible.)

Holding emotion at the tip of my tongue and the top of my heart serves me. I empathize. It connects me more deeply to other people. I honor where other people are. It teaches me about myself. It sparks an innate curiosity - why does this feel this way? I observe. I witness.

And then.

A colleague says something obnoxious to me. And I’m mad. And I feel mad. And because I’m trained to recognize my feeling, I actually SAY OUT LOUD “WOWWWWW I’M SO MAD YOU JUST SAID THAT”. 

Believe it or not, this is me actually practicing the space between. Because instead of firing off what I wanted to say (which surely would have gotten me fired), I instead said OH LOOK A FEELING.

And I can’t believe it but he actually looks shocked. He’s not shocked that I’m mad - he’s actually shocked that I SAID I was mad.

Because this is a colleague. 

And someone wrote a rule somewhere that said that professional boundaries are designed to keep feelings out of the workplace. AS IF THAT’S POSSIBLE.

I get mad all the time. Because life is hard and people are annoying. 

Now let’s be real about something else. Let’s talk about boundaries. Boundaries are a concept designed to keep us feeling safe. And they sureeeee do come in handy sometimes. And also sometimes - the boundaries we’ve designed for ourselves? Not so helpful.

Most of the boundaries we hold as adults were created by or for us when we were children. And those boundaries probably REALLY served us when we were children. But today, it’s our responsibility to QUESTION if they still do.

The truth is, most of us are carrying bags of old concepts and beliefs from our childhood into our adulthood and setting up shop like it’s normal. (Control issues, anyone? Bueller?) But we’re grown ups now. The risks and threats that concerned us as children are not likely the same threats and risks that concern us as adults. 

Ya know what concerned me when I was little? AM I GETTING ENOUGH ATTENTION (and that’s all you need to understand why I went to theater school). Ya know what concerns me most as an adult? AM I GETTING ENOUGH ATTENTION. Wait just kidding. It’s actually WHY IS OUR WORLD ON FIRE.

So when I was little and my parents left me to play in my room by myself, my reaction was “WHY DON’T THEY LOVE ME ANYMORE”. But now as an adult, when I am also a parent, I have the perspective to recognize “OH THEY NEEDED TO LIKE, MAKE ME FOOD AND WORK TO PAY FOR MY ENTIRE LIFE ”.

Now, contrary to popular belief, vulnerability has boundaries. Because (AND LISTEN UP): emotions aren’t facts. Feelings aren’t facts.

They point you toward a threat to your values. They point you toward a risk. Something is saying “Hey! Wake up to this! Something you care about is being threatened!” Me feeling mad doesn’t mean my colleague is wrong and I’m right. Me feeling mad means I’m feeling mad. 

I feel like this is important enough to say again.

Your feeling isn’t fact. You feeling sad or mad or resentful or jealous or WHATEVER doesn’t serve to validate your opinion on the matter. It serves to ALERT you.

Got me?

So we have options.

Option 1: When these feelings rise up in us (in all environments) - we can take a beat. Take a moment to get quiet to just say HIYA ANGER SO CUTE OF YOU TO DROP BY WHAT’S SHAKIN. This is honoring the space between the stimulus and the response. Cuz look. If you don’t take the first step of addressing and acknowledging your feeling then you don’t get the opportunity to ask: “what’s being threatened here”. 

When you choose this option, you get to DECIDE what your beliefs are. You get to have influence on your own concepts instead of them being dictated by what you needed at another point in your life.

And also. Because it’s worth reminding you. It’s GREAT that your boundaries and beliefs got you this far. You needed them. But we’re evolving. We’re longing for more connection with other people. We gotta show up in a new way.

The other option? Stuff it down. And sometimes professional environments can look like the Olympics of stuffing down your real life feelings. But the truth is: this doesn’t work. This is how you wind up burned out, throwing computers, and sinking deep.

So my advice is take the beat.

Give yourself a minute to experience your feeling before you add whatever story you’re going to add to it. Interrupt the story you’re attaching.

“I can’t believe he said that. Ya know I never liked him anyway and he’s the worst performer on our team.”

“Clearly he has no idea what it’s like to be me. Must be nice for him way up on his high horse”

These don’t help.

These stories don’t give me the chance to say WHAT HOLD UP WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED HERE. WHAT AM I MAD ABOUT.

I’m mad because something I care about feels threatened.

That gives me a chance to actually have a conversation with him about this (if I choose). I can go back to him and say “Listen, here’s what happened for me when you said that thing. That crosses a line for me.” 

ORRRRRR

I can decide “Yeah what he said actually isn’t threatening for me. I’m feeling pretty secure that his commentary on my life doesn’t have anything to do with me.”

This is hard. This is hard during COVID this is hard during not COVID this is hard. Remember: that which you practice is that which you strengthen. So we practice.