Your Epidermis Is Showing

People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.?- Maya Angelou

Within the small cottage community where I spent my summers as a young girl–and where my daughters now spend their summers–we children were a tight-knit group. We played from morning ‘til night, swimming in the bay, clamming, sailing, playing on the jungle gym, attempting to play badminton and whatever else we could think of. ?

When I was about six, walking from one friend’s cottage back to my own, two older boys told me my epidermis was showing.?

Obviously, they didn’t just tell me. They teased me, relentlessly, even as I speed-walked back to my family’s cottage with arms-a-pumpin’ and tears streaming down my face.

I remember feeling doubly embarrassed and confused–not only did I not know what my epidermis was but it was showing for all the world to see.?

When I got home, my mom laughed in a comforting way, told me what my epidermis was and I felt better.?

A few hours later, while playing Kick the Can, I was hiding with one of the teasing boys. Like I was in on a secret, I told him that I now knew what my epidermis was. He looked at me like he had no idea what I was talking about. In one auris and out the other, I suppose.

A common thread in this true story is the use of tone.?There was the teasing tone from the boys, the “get me the eff outta here/I’m humiliated” physical tone in my speedwalking away, the knowing/comforting tone of my mother’s smiling laugh and more.?

Most of us begin to understand tone when we’re babies (as early as two to four months old) and, by the time we’re adults, we are experts at tone detection.?

So if the majority of us are incredibly perceptive when it comes to reading tone, why are so many of us convinced that we can mask our feelings when interacting with others.?

I’m here to tell you, the jig is up.

When you’re communicating with your manager, your direct reports, the C-suite, your partner, your family, etc., they can sense emotions behind your words and actions.?They may not be able to identify them specifically and, at the very least, through your tone, they can sense whether you’re feeling positively, negatively or neutrally.

As adults, there are many ways for us to check our tone–or put our tone in check. One example is to become aware of how we’re feeling and endeavoring to take responsibility for our emotions rather than bringing them with us into an important conversation (or a conversation with someone who is important to us).?

Moving closer to positive or neutral emotions within ourselves will promote deeper connection, understanding and collaboration.

On the day before Valentine’s Day, remember that your tone can say, “I love you,” even when you’re saying, “Your epidermis is showing.”?