Your Emotions are Normal and Valid

YOUR EMOTIONS ARE NORMAL & VALID

ALL of them - even the so called 'negative' emotions.

I was having a conversation in a group last night and a friend of one of the members had been going through a difficult time. The friend didn't want to 'bother' anyone and felt the need to be strong for everyone else.

I find this such a shame.

Because that pressure is totally destructive.

This nonsense has pretty much come from a variety of different but very influential sources.

1. Culture. Some cultures (British in particular) advocate that it's wrong to get emotional and advocate the 'Stiff Upper Lip'.

2. The work environment. We are told to leave our personal stuff at the door and be 'professional' - there is no room for emotions.

3. The whole coaching and personal development world where anything but being outrageously positive at all times seems to indicate that you're inadequate somehow.

Let me help you put these ideas firmly where they belong - IN THE BIN!

WE ARE NOT MACHINES. WE ARE HUMAN BEINGS. EMOTIONS ARE A NATURAL PART OF THAT.

First of all - there is a big difference between allowing yourself to get stressed out and emotional at silly, small inconveniences such as someone stealing your parking spot. In these situations, you really DO need to get some perspective.

But it's a very different matter when dealing with something huge or potentially life-changing - such as losing someone dear to you, serious sickness (yourself or a loved one), receiving some shocking news, or the break-up of a long term relationship. In these cases, the phrase 'keep calm and carry on' is a curse and an insult.

Let's address the sources of the 'carry on' brigade:

1. Those cultures where emotions are suppressed are not happy and rife with stress, poor mental health and damaged relationships. I don't have the answer to whole cultural issues, but encourage you to create your own culture of open-ness, tolerance and being able to share how you feel with those around you.

2. The work environment. First of all, it's true that falling apart openly at work isn't great for your professional image, especially if you're in a customer-facing environment. However - you can take steps to manage the situation when warranted. If something extreme happens, confide in whoever you report to and your closer colleagues. Maybe you need to take a day or two from your holiday or sickness allowance, or take a back-office role rather than customer-facing role for a while. This is far better than trying to keep on and then exploding at the wrong moment like a pressure cooker.

3. The personal development world. It's become an easy cliche to say that you can change how you feel in an instant and that you can choose how you feel. Those who push this message look down smugly on those of us more emotional beings as though they're some kind of saints. This is total BS. To some degree, there is some truth in this idea - and, let's face it, choosing to focus on the good things in your life and be happy is way more sensible and enjoyable than choosing to focus on the bad things and be miserable. But let's add some perspective on this. If you just heard that a close friend or relative just passed away, it's absolutely normal to feel that loss. I remember when I lost my Mum, I beat myself up for not choosing to feel better - until my coach asked me how appropriate that was. Certain things WILL trigger emotions that are natural and very valid.

The key is not to try and deny your emotions - but to acknowledge them, process them and, when the time is right, to move on.

Only YOU can decide when that time is right.

Of course, wallowing forever in a pity-party is not the answer, but to deny your emotions entirely will push them inside and allow them to fester, causing emotional, mental and physical stress and even sickness.

So learn to embrace your emotions - ALL of them! And remember that a problem shared is a problem halved. Choose who you share with wisely though.

Managing all of this is tricky, and that's where a coach comes in. A coach can offer you an ear (without judgment or advice, unlike well meaning friends) and then help you process your thoughts and decide what to do next. Sometimes, you don't need to do anything. Sometimes you do.

And if you want to work with a coach, choose wisely! Not someone who has read a bunch of books and now thinks they have all the answers. Someone you feel safe with. Someone kind and non-judgmental but wise.

If you feel that could be me, reach out and I can let you know how I work and what my coaching credentials are (more than just reading a bunch of books! )

Above all - GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO FEEL. That's what being alive is all about.

Big hugs and lots of love. xx