Your D.E.M.O

A glimpse of Your Determined Emotional Memory and its Output (D.E.M.O)

I am going to warn you, this is not the typical article because, I am not focused on keeping your attention by keeping it short or giving you 1, 2, 3 steps to something. I would rather provide a story that may be important to your own personal growth.

This is a glimpse into a Neuro-Coaching session I gave. Neuro-Coaching is a combination of Behavioral Coaching, neuroscience, and NLP where I tie in your subconscious triggers that impact your current emotional thought process, decisions, actions, and your outcomes. I trademarked this system of personal development called NeuroWhyology?. To learn more, I hope you will eventually read my book when it comes out. The book will give scenarios like this one below and, provide activities to help you determine your own D.E.M.O.

What is D.E.M.O?

It is said, that by the time we reach the age 30, we have an image of ourselves that will be reinforced by automatic programming which becomes our identity. D.E.M.O (Determined Emotional Memory Output) is a way to clean up the looping sounds (thoughts) and smooth out some parts of our song (life) that does not mix with the theme we want to live.

I came up with the D.E.M.O acronym by going back to when I was a part of the music industry. Music has always played a huge part in my life. Having a record deal as a young teen, working with artist as a Talent Agent, to managing groups. I loved working with such creative and expressive people.

A demo is an artist personal creation of his/her music. Back then, before social media and the many venues, along with computer software to post music, you had to do the best you could to sound impressive. Many young artists could not afford to pay for an expensive recording studio but, they could afford to work with those who had a four-track and a bathroom to record out of. A four-track was a little box that allowed you to separate four separate sounds like, a keyboard, drums, guitar, and of course your vocals. You would then put it on a tape and go anyplace you could to get in front of people like me who could hear your song and help you get a singed record deal. Every song an artist presented back then, had to be re-recorded in a professional studio due to the quality of the sound from the original four track.

Much like a demo, you have a rough draft of your life experiences…your past is your demo. You may need to “Redo” some instruments (thoughts), you may even need to smooth out some parts of your song that don’t mix well with the theme you want to have in life. Your song needs to be usable on the radio station called L.I.F.E

I recall back in those days many artists that wanted to be signed to a record label would refuse to give up any creative power. It was like they wanted to stay broke if they could not have their deal the way they wanted it. That’s how strong emotions are. We fight and kill ourselves to keep our emotions intact. It’s because it’s painful to change your creation. Just like with music, you have created an image of you that you believe to be true.

Human Nature is to make choices based off what is believed to be the closest to the feeling of pleasure and the furthest from pain.

To redo your D.E.M.O you have to be aware of the subconscious comforts and be willing to live in an uncomfortable space in your brain to discover the “Why” you are doing what you are doing. This is why so many people go back to behaviors most comfortable. Your brain will always look for ways to take you back to the most comfortable emotional experiences it is used to experiencing.

Using D.E.M.O, which is never the same with any one person, my mission is to help you become in-tune with your subconscious reactions and then using Neurolinguistics programming (NLP), I help you re-direct the built-in emotions that show up.

After coaching with this client below in this story, we put together techniques that redid her D.E.M.O. This was part of the first session. Before you read it, I have added her reply to me after our first session so you can see the impact a Neuro-Coaching session can have on someone. 

Julian! I have been telling everyone (except you!) how amazing your insights were in your email… My head is constantly spinning when it comes to all of this and this is why I wanted to work with you! I am so excited to work with you and to finally get some kind of peace up there! 

Story - Client Comments: I have grown up with a stern mom who has always been critical of how I dressed, walked, and who I hung out with as a kid. She never seemed to be satisfied with any of my actions. She would always tell me that I was a terrible kid to raise. She always critiqued me in a negative way and never showed love or a smile.

The only time I felt love from her is when we went shopping for clothing because she always wanted me to look well-groomed and appropriate. She always appeared to be on stage or very serious until she decided what clothing worked for me as a child.

We had affluent people around us all of the time due to my dad’s business and most of them were highly educated. She would always whisper in my ear to pay attention to other people’s reactions to me. She would judge if they liked me by how long they smiled or not. My mom’s education was very limited so, she always tried to appear like them and hold impressive conversations. She did this by always educating herself by reading and studying on her own to keep up or overcompensate.   

We moved when I was younger from Nashville to Arkansas and I will never forget how much I was teased and bullied on the first day of school. We dressed differently in Nashville and we always had the top of the line clothing due to trying to keep up with the affluent people. So, I was shocked when I was beat-up by the way I dressed. 

I was eventually kicked out of that school due to getting into a lot of trouble. I was moved to a military school, kicked out of there too. I was then moved to a catholic school. I eventually graduated but, every time I went to a new school, I always seemed to only connect with the bad kids, the smokers, trouble makers etc. Out of high-school and a bit older, I even became a stripper for a period of time. This only created more tension with my mom as I was never enough or pleased her in any way.

Question: What things would you like to change?

·      I spend more money than I should on clothing and material things even though I know I don’t have enough money to pay for it all. I tend to shop and buy top-of-the-line clothing and things for my son and many of the clothes he never wears.

·      I am always concerned about how people feel about me and I find myself intimidated with successful people. I feel like I am a fraud even though I have done alright for myself in my sales career.

·      I get bored easily and I hate that I start something, like it, and then get bored.

·      I have been told that I am extremely competitive and maybe enjoy beating people in the game and I don’t like that. I am argumentative and I seem to enjoy chaos and I don't know why.

The D.E.M.O

Determined Emotional Memory of Fitting in- Your childhood moments going to a new school plays heavily on a survival instinct.

The Output - To avoid that type of mental and physical trauma that took place on your first day of school, you have developed a personality/instinctive way of jumping in, being a leader in organizations, and your competitiveness all play a part in this emotional defense. Your cellular memory is about never being a victim again, strength, and leadership are the same to you.

This played out trying to fit in, which is why you hung-out with the crowd that where more daring, did drugs, as they seem to never get bullied but would be the bully. Also, this is why you choose the line of work you did. Your time performing…let’s call it dancing was all about control.

Determine Emotional Memory of Acceptance- Your history with your mom sharing her opinion, getting you to pay attention to people’s intentions, body language was a ruse. No offense to your mom but, at that young age, it did not give you super-powers she desired. Her intentions may have been to do so, but it only gave you a self-conscious power because you were to young and ended up taking the observations personal.

Output - Now, when you meet people, go places, it’s your mom’s voice in your subconscious telling you, you’re not dressed well enough etc. which is where your attention is held when in a crowd. When you are around people you may feel they have it “All”, but know, that is your childhood talking and your thinking is not yours but more of what you feel your mom felt around the affluent people. Understand that for you, successful people have been considered danger, which came across as judgement. You were raised to always think about what others think about you so, it's no wonder you feel they way you feel when you meet people.

Success is a perception and everyone is either on their way to it, been there already, or moving back from it financially. True success is the peace of mind and knowing that you are the same person in all of those moments.

Determine Emotional Memory of Your mom’s approval -Your mom’s back story is very interesting and her challenge to overcome her own idiosyncrasies of status, skill, and knowledge were natural.

When your mom appeared focused, subconsciously you picked up body language, breathing changes, eye, movement, and an entirely different demeanor when she was around the affluent people. She was doing what they call ‘Fake-it-till-you-make it”. This may be where your word “Fraud” is coming from with you. Your interpretation of others as a child is what your subconscious is doing as an adult.

For your mother to advise you as she did about how you dress etc., means it was more about her own inner thoughts of how she was trying not to be perceived. She was trying to protect you from her own struggles but, if you recall, we create what we fight against. Your mom’s comment “You were a terrible child to raise” is not a reflection of you…it’s a reflection of how she felt others would perceive her through your actions.

Your shopping time with your mom gave you those little subconscious body languages that validate your desire to feel accepted by your mom. When shopping, the attention, eye movements, smiles, and approval of clothing was interpreted as approval of you and may have given you the acceptance you desired.

Output – Shopping represents care and love to you and when you desire that, you do it. It’s just one way you express love to your son because that’s when you felt most loved.

Determine Emotional Memory of thriving in chaos & getting bored – This is evident based off of the fact that you moved into drastic opposites as a child. From the Nashville to Arkansas, to the drastic types of schools, and whatever else.

Output - Your DNA is conditioned for shock value. It’s like you're conditioned to jump from one reality to the next and that’s when you feel normal because that was normal. This makes your job perfect for you. There is nothing wrong with this trait! You just need to use it in your favor in sales.

After this first session, we put into place a few exercises. I am not going to provide a list of activities we are doing to Pivot 2 Change my client's actions but, know we are working hard to make her life a choice, not a reaction.

The exercises, activities and continual conversations we are having now is all about the subconscious triggers that have made her who she is. As I say to all of my clients, we all are a product of something but, we are the only creatures on the planet that can think about where we came from and choose what direction we want to go regardless of it.

Do you see any similarities in your up-bringing and how it has impacted your actions of today?