Your Delicate Dilemmas #17

Have you got a workplace conundrum? I'd love to offer you a solution.

If you'd like to have your conundrum answered in future versions of Dr Doyle's Delicate Dilemmas then please head to this link

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Right then, let's go...

Dear Dr Doyle, my boss (who I generally love and respect) recently implied that I shouldn’t take on challenging project while I’m pregnant, as if I’m suddenly incapable of doing my job. She wasn't direct about it so it felt hard to challenge but I've noticed that she's definitely easing me off. I've had a difficult time getting pregnant and she's being protective more than dismissive so I don't want to go all guns blazing.

Hello! Thanks for this. Congrats on your pregnancy and I wish you well for the rest of it!

OK, I think it's always important to listen to the "this doesn't feel right" signs that we get at work. In this case, you've got a good relationship with your boss and so it's worth just being clear with her about the next few months and what you want/need, if you haven't done already. Presumably there's a risk assessment in place and it may be that you use that as a jumping off point to say "look there's nothing in my risk assessment that says I can't or shouldn't be taking on this project, so I'd really love to be on it". Be clear and open with her that these are your current desires at work and that you'll tell her if and when it becomes too much. You don't necessarily need to tell her it makes ya feel like you're incapable of doing your job, but you could do!

See how she responds to you saying "my body, my choice" in more words and then come back to me if it turns out there's more to it.

Always worth remembering a) pregnancy is a protected characteristic and b) well-intentioned though her behaviour may be, the effect it has on you also counts in law/tribunals.

Let me know how you get on.

Dear Dr Doyle, I recently assumed a colleague was straight and asked them if they had a boyfriend. When they corrected me, I realised I shouldn’t have made that assumption (I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole). I was so embarrassed I just froze and now I can feel the awkwardness any time I see this colleague at work.

Hiya -

Look, mistakes happen. We live in a heteronormative world. According to the latest census in 2022, 93.4% of the UK household population aged 16 years and over identified as heterosexual or straight. So 9 times out of 10, you'd probably be safe to assume someone is straight.

That being said, being curious and asking open questions can ease the burden on your LGBTQ+ colleagues - asking if they have a partner or are in a relationship can be really easy - the answer can simply be "yes" or "no" without it needing to be a coming out party.

In terms of handling the present situation with your colleague, the next decent thing to do is to apologise. Awkward as it may be and may feel for you, you clearly are remorseful and have realised that you messed up. You don't need to belabour the point but you can just say something like "hey [x], I've been reflecting on our recent conversation where I wrongly assumed that you were straight. I'm really sorry for that, I recognise that it was sh-tty of me." Then you can move on.

I always recommend having this conversation face to face, but you can also send them a message, depending on your relationship with them (i.e. if it's the first message you'll ever send them then don't do that and don't email them!!)

If they're still off with you then fair enough, let them take the time they need. You focus on being a decent colleague and the trust will rebuild over time. Tearing yourself apart once you've apologised only tends to centre your feelings and not theirs. So apologise and move forward.

Final thought: you've not shared the context of why you asked them if they were in a relationship, but it's also worth considering whether you need to ask colleagues this question anyway.

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Have you got a workplace conundrum? I'd love to offer you a solution.

If you'd like to have your conundrum answered in future versions of Dr Doyle's Delicate Dilemmas then please head to this link

P.S. Whilst you're here - have you signed up for the Delicate Dilemmas monthly webinar? Click here to join the mailing list.