Your Darkness Is Your Candle..

Shadow and Light Source Both

How does a part of the world leave the world? How does wetness leave water?

Don't try to put out fire by throwing on?more fire! Don't wash a wound with blood.?

No matter how fast you run, your shadow? keeps up. Sometimes it's in front!?

Only full overhead sun diminishes your shadow.? But that shadow has been serving you.?

What hurts you, blesses you. Darkness is your candle. Your boundaries are your quest.

I could explain this, but it will break the glass cover on your heart, and there's no fixing that.?

You must have shadow and light source both.? Listen, and lay your head under the tree of awe.?

When from that tree feathers and wings sprout on you,? be quieter than a dove. Don't even open your mouth for? even a coo.

Mewlana Jalaluddin Rumi?

My first ever job was at a highly reputed corporate law firm. Despite the fact that I knew that such a setup was not likely to suit me in the long run, I went with it anyway. I felt I had something to prove - to my parents, to my peers, to the world, and to myself.

However, doing so, was in a way abandoning my true self. The naive but stubborn 24-year-old in me knew in her gut that this was not right for her. It did not align with what I really sought from a first employer, the kind of lifestyle I intended to lead in the present or future, the skills I wanted to learn, and skills I wanted to build upon from what I already had to contribute as a young entrant into the workforce.

Knowing that I would have to change, and quiet, integral parts of myself, my personality, my aspirations and my desires, in order to "fit in" to the role that was required of me - still, I chose this, and took up the job.

I thought I could leave myself aside for a period of time in order to understand what this highly coveted format of working was, to show that I could take up a challenge - that I could overcome the system, do well, and still be happy and fulfilled.

Don't try to put out fire by throwing on?more fire! Don't wash a wound with blood.

I was unhappy. I was scared. I was confused. I was struggling. It took me a long time to find my feet as a newcomer in the field and to understand how my team needed me to show up as a contributing member.

My team put in a lot of effort to train me from scratch and mould me into a person, who, at the end of three years was a proud and adept antitrust law practitioner. I was appreciated for my intelligence, proactiveness, and natural ownership towards producing high-quality work. But every time I was given any kind of assignment for the first 2 years, why did it feel like I was being punished? It almost felt like a personal attack - "Here's another way you need to conform and cancel out yourself".

No matter how fast you run, your shadow? keeps up. Sometimes it's in front!?

Every time I was put on a new project, a part of me would sink into a pit of doom. The larger the client, the deeper I sank. Not long after, I would have a panic attack, and more often than not, I could not pinpoint the precise trigger for it.

Later on, I realised, these were all ways in which the "real me", was trying to communicate to me that I was forcing myself to be in a situation and an environment that was all wrong for me. Ironically, over the 3 years and particularly during the 1.5 years of 100% work from home, I began to flourish. The better I performed, the worse I began to feel about myself, my work, my future, and my life as a whole.

In fact, haven't there been situations in which we feel like others (including certain societal / work structures) have tried to silence our voice, hide our true essence, or diminish the value of our inherent qualities? In those situations, have you observed the frustration, the guilt, the uneasiness & discomfort, the anxiety, the "gnawing feeling" that something's not right, or something needs to change, is sickeningly prominent? Those aren't your demons. That's the truth you trying to come out - that's your shadow reminding you that it's always there.

Only full overhead sun diminishes your shadow.? But that shadow has been serving you.

The better I performed, the more responsibility and independence I got at work, and the more I felt like I was moving away from myself.

When LinkedIn notified me of my 3-year work anniversary, things got really existential. A whirlwind of thoughts swarmed my mind: Where do I go from here? In the next 5-7 years, I could be where my bosses are. Is that the kind of life I'd like to lead? Who am I really? What makes me happy? Can I make money out of it? What's more important to me - stability & finances or fulfilment? Is there a world in which I can have both? I will never know unless I try to find it.

At this point, I was forced to face the fact that lots of things about my workplace at the time were highly misaligned with the kind of life (and lifestyle) I sought to build for myself. That stark realisation made it a very easy decision for me to make, even though it was a risk. There was a voice inside me, loud, clear and confident. Instead of the fear and dread that I had become so used to, the idea of taking this risk, just created an adrenaline rush within me. I was starting to feel glimmers of hope and excitement for my future held.

What hurts you, blesses you. Darkness is your candle. Your boundaries are your quest.

Your true essence will always fight to find its way out to show itself to the world. Call it your inner voice, call it your "nature", your inherent qualities... your true essence is everywhere, manifesting in so many different ways. No matter how suppressed or lost it feels, it's there, rooting for you - it never leaves you.

I had reached my capacity for everything I had to gain from my corporate law firm and the role I was in at the time. It was time my journey took a different turn. Armed with experiences that lit up the right steps for me, and also helped me avoid paths that weren't right for me, I now had a blank canvas. Thus began my quest to find myself, discover my true potential and create a life I am proud of.

The 3 months after I decided to move on, were characterised by deep introspection and reflection. I defined all the values I intended to live by, and vigorously began my search for all those people and opportunities that would help me get there. I promised myself to only take those steps in my personal and professional life that were aligned with my true essence.

This often meant saying "no" to several lucrative work opportunities or personal relationships that were no longer in sync with my desired reality.

On the face of it, these situations can be particularly challenging to navigate, with seemingly the hardest decisions to make. But in my experience, they are also the most liberating and strengthening, if you allow all your emotions to reveal themselves, and serve as your guiding light.

The unwavering and reinforced faith in my beliefs that I consciously work to embody (especially on my low days), brings me closer to my true self.

How does a part of the world leave the world? How can wetness leave water?

And just like that, you can only find yourself within. If the true you resides deep within, then it can never be “lost” - it’s just under many layers of things that aren’t aligned with your true essence.

2 years later, I am on a path of purpose, equipped with the skills, experience, and heartful intention to support those who find themselves in similar places as I've been in.

Leave your thoughts, questions and suggestions in the comments below!

Know more about me and the work I do here.

Until next time, #HappyTurtling !