Are Your Conversations at Work Getting Harsher?

It seems that the most of the calls for consulting lately have been about difficult conversations, broken work relationships, and what seems to be more unproductive confrontation. There seems to be a convergence of it being a contentious election year, more acceptable harshness via social media, and a lack of appreciating differences. Whatever the cause, people at work are more anxious and more easily offended. Responses seem to have a harsher tone and non-verbal language that shows contempt. As I told one group years ago that they reminded me of a Taylor Swift song I heard my teen daughter once sing, "Why you gotta be so mean?"

We talk lots about valuing diversity in the workplace. And we must recognize that when we come from different worldviews - which are derived from our values and beliefs - we often find ourselves in conflict. It takes a bit more work to understand other's perspectives with empathy and understanding. If we follow social media or cable news, we don't see any good models of empathy or listening to understand. Rather, we see defending one's own position with little regard for the actual truth and demonizing the opponent.

In the workplace, we have to collaborate in a more constructive manner, but it does seem we just are not doing a great job of it. We must recognize that conversations in the workplace are often stressful and high-risks for us. I appreciate the research from Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen, authors of Difficult Conversations and Thanks for the Feedback. They found that although it is important to have skills in having the difficult conversation it is even more important to learn how to receive feedback in a more constructive manner. Managing our triggers is very important, which include triggers about the relationship (I can't hear it because of you personally), the content (I just don't agree with what you are saying), or identity (My ego is too fragile and I'm too overwhelmed to deal with it). These triggers keep us from engaging skillful in the conversation.

Here are five ideas for navigating through difficult conversations, especially if you are in a leadership position.

1. It is the responsibility of the more senior person in the relationship to make it safe for others to speak the truth. Managers often complain that people don't speak up in meetings. When they don't, look in the mirror and ask, "What am I doing that causes people to feel unsafe?"
2. The longer you've been in leadership and the power you gain, your skill of empathy actually diminishes. When we start in leadership, we usually seek out input but for some reason as time goes on we become less coachable and seek feedback less. Arrogance sometimes replaces humility.
3. If you really feel contempt for someone, the other person usually feels it. Even our kids pick up on our non-verbals and tone. Be careful when you are feeling this way about someone because your tone and body language speak volumes and often does not match your words.
4. Watch how people communicate on social media and cable news, then do the opposite. Civility has been replaced by vilifying those that disagree with us. If we are truly going to appreciate diversity, we must find ways to live and work with those with a different perspective.
5. Approach your work with a "seek to understand" mindset; listening is the greatest validation. People are ok if you disagree or say "no" as long as they understand. What they are not ok with is not feeling heard, ignored, dismissed, or validated - especially from a leader. Listening, paraphrasing, asking others for input - it does not take more time as some argue. It actually saves you time in the long run.

We'd love to hear your thoughts.

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