Is your controlling nature sabotaging your work relationships? ??

Welcome to Quick Confidence! This weekly letter delivers a spritz of stories, tips and simple actions that will build your confidence and your power. Each quick tip bolsters confidence in your body, mind, and relationships so you can lead yourself and others to greatness.?

Have you ever been part of an interaction like this?

Person A: “You make the slides and I’ll work on the financials, alright?”

Person B: “Okay, sounds great.”

Person A: “Uhhh…wait. You can’t use that font on the slides! Your graphics are all wrong! How come you’re not using the other slide template?!”

Whether you identify with Person A or Person B in this scenario, it’s valuable to be aware when you witness controlling behavior. It’s an interpersonal dynamic that can become toxic if left unchecked!?

If you tend to be Person A, you may see your controlling ways as the only insurance against the complete ruination of the business (and, yes that was sarcasm because in most cases the things we try to control are simply not that serious).?

What you really do when you try to control your coworkers is diminish their sense of autonomy and lower their engagement at work. And we can’t forget the added “bonus” of all the colleagues who end up resenting you!

How’s that insurance plan looking right about now? ??

The good news is a controlling personality is not something you’re stuck with. There are steps you can take to relax your death grip in any given situation.?

The key is to practice the de-escalation steps consistently. Change takes time.

So, the next time you feel the urge to control, and then control some more, try the mind-body practices outlined in today’s Quick Confidence.?

These tips will get you on the road to feeling less stressed and creating work relationships built on trust and collaboration. That’s the real insurance against the ruination of a business, BTW!

Quick Confidence Tips to End the Controlling Behavior that’s Sabotaging your Work Relationships

1. Embodied: Tell your body it’s OK to detach. One of the most powerful practices that helps me calm my inner control freak quickly is to connect with my body. I reassure my body that it can let go of control, dictating, and stress. That everything will be just fine if I do. And, guess what? My body usually listens. To help with this, I like to inhale as I say some powerful mantras in my head, and as I exhale, I picture letting go of the need for desperate control. Some of my favorite mantras include “Good things happen when I let go,” “I let go of things that block my growth,” and “Letting go is the best thing for me right now.” Can’t you just feel yourself getting lighter as you think those thoughts?!
2. Mindset: Go beneath the surface. We often feel our controlling nature is justified because of everyone else’s perceived errors. “So-and-so is late in getting me the report!” or “That person is being difficult!” But I have news for you…Those pesky irritations are a normal part of everyone’s office experience. So, if you find yourself getting worked up over every little “error,” you may need to dig deeper. My favorite way to do this is to picture a tree. The branches represent your immediate frustration that “No one can handle this task and do the job right except me.” But if you look a little deeper – at the roots of the situation – you’ll probably find something more. Perhaps it’s scary to trust someone because you got burned the last time you did. Or maybe it’s hard to let other people step up and lead because you’ve been feeling a little insecure about your own performance. By looking at the roots of the issue instead of the surface-level signs, you can better manage your emotions and actions.
3. Interpersonal: Own your tendency with others. If your need to control is coming across to others as perfectionism with impossible standards, it’s time for a change. As you work on your affinity to get involved and manage things, try calling it out with your coworkers. You can say, “I want to cop to the fact that I’ve been pretty exacting about this presentation. I’m working on being less involved and overbearing and more open, so thanks to all of you for your patience.” You can even bring some humor to the situation – “I get an A+ for overdoing it with my feedback and I want to say I’m sorry.” The key is: don’t just call it out to warn other people that this is your tendency, call it out to show you want accountability to continue working on it.

A controlling personality is nothing to feel terrible about – we all fall somewhere on the spectrum for any given personality trait. And a predisposition from your upbringing, the environment, and other experiences all play a part in the development of that trait.?

It’s when such a personality trait starts to negatively impact our lives and the lives of those around us that it becomes important to actively take steps to change.?

Let me know in the comments the last time you acted in a controlling manner… where you knew it was too much but felt like you couldn’t help yourself. No judgment here – just open discussion! ?? I can guarantee you’re not alone in this.

The more you build meaningful relationships with your colleagues, managers, direct reports and clients, the better off you’ll be professionally... and personally. But how do you do it, especially when many of us are working remotely? My LinkedIn Learning course shows you how to initiate, nurture, and maintain healthy connections (and AVOID relationships rooted in gossip and complaining).

Click here to get the course . As a LinkedIn Learning author, I may be compensated if you make a purchase.