Is Your Communication Approach Helpful Or Hurtful? How To Tell In 5 Minutes

Part of Kathy Caprino's series "Communication That Fosters Positive Growth and Impact"

I spend a good deal of my week writing, speaking and training, so becoming an effective communicator (and helping others do that as well) is very important to me. Despite my experience - as a former corporate director, then family therapist, and now as a career coach and leadership trainer - I obviously don’t always get it right. Not by a long shot. And when I blow it, it really hurts. But when you're in a service profession as I am where how you make people feel is a critical factor in the degree of progress they'll experience working with you, it's vitally important that your communication is productive and uplifting.

In the past years, I’ve attempted to focus on understanding more deeply what makes our communications helpful, productive and inspiring, versus language and approaches that are hurtful, mean, and irrevocably bridge-burning.

Here what I've seen are 5 quick and easy ways to tell if your communication has crossed the line into hurtful and destructive, and needs revision now:

1. It’s all about you, what you didn't get and what others did wrong

Over many years of managing people, I've had to engage in some tough talks with colleagues and folks who work with or for me regarding projects we’re working on, deadlines we’re chasing, and outcomes we’re striving to achieve. It’s usually clear to all of us when we miss very important goals and milestones.

But the line of inquiry shouldn't be, "OK, who blew it here?” (translating to "Who is at fault?") or "How could you let us down like this?"

The question should be, “How are we going to handle this jointly and collaboratively, to analyze what happened that didn't work well, and how to engage in the process differently going forward?"

Can you do this type of important questioning and probing without leaving body parts lying on the floor? Many can't.

One key to constructive communication is to help identify where the process is falling down, and that involves everyone, including you as the leader and manager.

If you neglect this essential self-introspection, you're going to fail. And here's 10 ways that being more positive can dramatically improve your success.

2. You don’t really want to listen. You’ve made up your mind.

I’ve seen in meeting after meeting (especially in the corporate arena), that so many professionals share their opinions as if standing on a soapbox, not wanting to expand on or enrich the topic, or learn and hear more (and examine different viewpoints that will be helpful). The only goal, it seems, is to give time to how they see it and nothing more. Their eyes are shut to other, more diverse or innovative perspectives that are most likely critical to the conversation and the ultimate goal. These folks are emphatically clear – it’s my way or the highway.

This type of communication is unproductive and damages your reputation and success. To enter into a conversation or a meeting without granting the other parties the chance to speak their truths, from their unique perspectives, and being open to different views, is egocentric at best, career-killing at worst.

3. The relationship is shattered at the end of the conversation.

I heard once that “you can say anything if you say it with love.” While “love” might not be the exact word we want to use to describe what’s in our hearts during any given business day, I would say this:

You CAN share very difficult messages productively and have a positive outcome, but only if you say it with the utmost care, emotional self-mastery, and compassion in your heart. And only when you truly want to find a resolution.

But if you don’t neutralize your emotions before you speak, and learn to come from a place in your heart of openness to and respect for the other individuals involved, a typical outcome will be that you’ll shatter your ability to relate in any meaningful way to the other party, and they’ll feel the same toward you.

Further, in your meetings and communications, do you need to share every little thing on your mind that’s bothering you about this person? Or can you leave some (or a majority) of what’s annoying you out of the mix and focus only on what will move you forward in that moment? Often we want to dredge up tons of angry material from the past, and smear the other person with it because we're fed up.

As my beloved dad used to say, “Leave the past in the past.”

If you’ve experienced a shattered relationship or two in the past six months, it’s time to look at how you can communicate differently so that you can get your point across and feel heard without cutting off someone’s arm to do it.

It's time to get better at saying what needs to be said, but also hearing what needs to be heard.

4. Your “honesty” has a cruel edge to it.

I remember when I was just starting out in my first job in publishing and marketing, I lived in Brooklyn with three other young professionals, on a very limited budget. I didn’t have one cent of extra money for anything, let alone new clothes. I used to wear one black skirt over and over, with different tops. It was in the style of “culottes,” which had gone out of fashion a few years before, but I was stuck with it until a bit more money came in.

One day, after my birthday when my parents generously bought me a few additional pieces of work attire, I walked in wearing a new outfit. My boss (who was about as hurtful as a human could be to a young professional like me just starting out), said “Oh, Thank God! You got rid of that old black skirt! About time!”

Wow. That's something I'll never forget. And I remember thinking, "I NEVER want to be anything like this individual, ever."

I think it’s self-evident that this type of comment has no positive, redeeming value.? It’s about meanness and tearing someone down. Yes, it was an honest comment, for sure, but did it really need to be shared? Was there any productive point to it? (Hint: the answer is no.)

Another example came from a friend who told me that a woman she worked with said, “Claire, you really should stop wearing white pants. It makes your legs look so much bigger than they already are. I’m just telling you this a friend.” Oh, a friend, huh? I don’t think so. This type of friendship is not something we need in our lives.

Watch that your “honesty” isn’t simply cruelty or meanness in sheep’s clothing.

5. Your reputation and integrity are tarnished.

Finally, you can tell if your communication isn’t working and has crossed over to hurtful, when your reputation becomes tarnished and people complain (usually behind your back but not always) about how you treat them, and have stopped trusting and respecting you. Hurtful people lose integrity, supporters, friends, and impact. Over time, they aren’t trusted, relied on, or believed in.

I’ve generally seen that often those who gravitate over and over toward hurtful people are also in pain themselves. And many of these folks who are suffering from pain and trauma from the past often can't stop from being hurtful in their own communications.

Here's more about how we often allow our past trauma to continue to shape and define us:

Or deep inside, they don’t feel worthy enough of drawing a line - a strict boundary - where they can say a strong "NO!" to damaging behavior and instead, consciously commit to seeking out people who are more loving, respectful and kind.

Being a positive communicator and a beacon of light in your words and actions will make you one of those people who positively impacts the world.

Click the image below for more information on how to make a positive difference in our work, relationships and communication:

If you can’t stop yourself from uttering hurtful words, it’s important to take a deeper look at why. What's at the root of your pain and lack of self-control?? But be kind to yourself. Know that you're not alone - virtually everyone you know has at one time been hurtful and acted out. But it's what we choose to do about it going forward that can make the real difference.

Perhaps it's deep childhood wounds that haven't healed, or trauma at work that you haven't overcome. (I've lived both of those experiences, and they can have lasting, damaging effects.) If so, get some outside help from a mentor, friend, therapist or supporter who can help you shift to become more loving, caring, and compassionate in your communication and actions. Your career, your life and your heart will thank you for it.

Finally, here's more (from an early episode of my podcast Finding Brave ) on how to understand if you're facing any of the 7 most damaging power and confidence gaps that can impact the way you relate to - and communicate with -others:

If you sense that your communication needs a shift, who can you reach out to in your life right now who can offer you great help, support and guidance? We can improve and shift the way we communicate and relate to others, and now more than ever, we need to.

To build a more rewarding and successful career and professional life, visit KathyCaprino.com and her Career & Leadership Breakthrough coaching program. And to address and close the 7 damaging power and confidence gaps that impact our behavior, communication, relationships and leadership, read my book The Most Powerful You and take my 8-module Most Powerful You video course .