Your Child is NOT Behind

The word behind.

Honestly, this word gives me chills as an adult. It's a word that I remember internalizing from a very young age because I remember feeling like it was BAD, NOT GOOD, and to be AVOIDED at all costs.

To be behind was something that caused shame. Not only for me, but even for my family. In order to avoid it, I learned that you must keep pushing, keep grinding, and never stop. I mean, if I stopped, the unthinkable would happen...

Another one of my peers would take my imaginary flag of achievement and run it without me towards the finish line. Thus, leaving me behind.

I mean, even Google defined behind as "...less advanced than (someone else) in achievement or development."

I feel this word has haunted me for years in order to validate my continuous need to run on the hamster wheel, succumbing to the rat race culture of success.

More often than not, this word behind is so strongly validated in our K-12 schooling. A child who is so-called "struggling" hears this word in the classroom from a teacher or other adult. Moreover, a parent or caretaker of a child hears it as well.

"Your child is behind on homework."

"Your child is behind on the exam."

"Your child is behind on the grade-level standards."

School is structured to be hierarchical, pitting children unconsciously against each other. If the child doesn't achieve at a certain pace or time based on the standard, then the child is officially categorized as behind.

There is irony to this word. The biggest one being that in the "real world", most individuals are applauded for taking risks and working towards a goal. If anything, it's less about being behind (besides maybe marriage or having kids), and more about spending that 10,000 hours to achieve a goal. There is a certain value of mastery and patience, than about speeding ahead without the depth of understanding or expertise.

And yet, most children in school don't get this opportunity. They come into class everyday, expected to master a skill within a 45-90 minute block. This is so fascinating since children's brains develop at different ages, influencing their focus and attention time. Not only that, there are kids who just take longer to process, have learning differences, or have home lives that impact how safe they feel to learn within a classroom.

I want to challenge the word behind in school, because I think with a hypothetical benchmark, there is no way we can truly assess who is actually behind or ahead. When a system is not set up for each child's learning style, the reality is that many students are left behind.

So, if you are a parent, how do you navigate a schooling system where the hierarchy of behind and ahead will keep showing up in unconscious ways? How do you navigate this comparison that naturally exists?

Here are my recommendations:

Change Your Mindset

Based on what I said, know that behind or ahead is an illusion of a school system that creates a hierarchy for children. It does not mean your child is dumb or too smart. It does not mean that they will not be able to achieve. The reality is that oftentimes, your child is not being assessed fairly. You know your child and this doesn’t mean you don’t get them help, but the mindset and the fear that may come up for you as a parent is one to take a pause. Re-evaluate. Understand that it is not that your child is bad or won’t be successful. It just means that what is currently happening in the classroom isn’t working for them. Make it less about the child, and more about the system.

Become an Investigator

If your child is deemed as behind, as a parent, investigate and ask questions. Is it because the teacher is not “teaching” properly? And believe me, I have a lot of respect for teachers, but ask what is it really? Is it because of something going on at home affecting the retention at school? Is it test anxiety? Is it self-esteem? Is it something unrelated to school? Sometimes we want to push the academics, when it’s really the emotions that is taking place here.?

Seek out the Right Kind of Help

If it is academic skill sets, then of course get the help that your child may need. They may need outside support with brain development, learning retention, or are just a normal kid who needs more time outside of the classroom to feel confident with their skills. Get them help, but do it not out of fear, but will love.

As Bob Marley once said, "The day you stop racing is the day you win the race."

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Want to dig deeper? Take a listen to the newly released episode of my podcast, The Parent Classroom, called "Your Child is Not Behind." Click here to take a listen now!